On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
9 ladies dancing...
Wow, what a gift! That sounds entirely yummy! It is the holiday's afterall. Oh, what fun we'll have, dancing and frolicking and...well, you know where it'll lead after that. I doubt we'll even have to get them drunk. Think of the pictures that'll come out of that exchange!! Woohoo! Since this is a gift I suppose I can use it however I want, right. That means I can share it with my friends. I think I am going to be wildly popular this season.
Wait a minute! Where in the world would one find 9 willing women to give themselves as a dancing Christmas gift? Why would any woman do such a thing, let alone 9? Unless...
It is a trick. Do you know what is meant to happen when someone tries to give you 9 dancing ladies?
Well, the song was written in 1780. So that tells me that the gifter was likely a serial killer. He or she'd give someone 9 ladies dancing and the next thing you know they'd get "the pox". In those days "the pox" was a term referring to "general venereal complaint". By New Year's day all of our bits will be pus laden, itchy, flaky and probably falling off. EW!! Nice gift.
Let's suppose that Frederic Austin, the song's composer, was getting his ideas from older sorts of festivities...
Going back much further to Ancient Greece (really ancient not Classical Greece. I'm qualifying it because for some reason some people can't seem to let their small minds go back that far and think Classical Greece is as old as it gets.) So we're back in Ancient Greece and someone gives the gift of 9 ladies dancing. Guess what happens next. Nope not that...
This one's for the fellas.
9 naked dancing women show up and they have picked you. Oh what luck!! So, you're dancing and laughing and wondering why everybody else is watching you expectantly and ...why isn't there any food at this event? Posing as Maenads they love you up and screw your brains out in front of everyone and then.... they tear you to shreds and eat you. Nice gift! Now you're dead, Merry Christmas;) You have become a sacrifice to the god Dionysius. This was called festival of Lenaea or Festival of the Wild Women. If you get an invitation to this festival don't go unless you're asked to dress as a Maenad or are in fact a eunuch. Nothing good can come from dancing with 9 naked women in Ancient Greece. [I have heard that there are groups in "certain districts" of some major U.S. cities that are trying to re-popularize this festival. Only, the 9 ladies dancing aren't ladies at all and once your flesh has been "had" and then consumed your major organs are sold on the black market for underground transplantation. Where did you say you were having Christmas this year?]
So, friends, beware of the gift of 9 ladies dancing and if your true love tries to give this gift to you go immediately to the first domestic violence shelter you can find. You could lose more than your holiday spirit.
Happy Christmas to all.