Well, JSGarrett (sp?) recommended this story to me long ago, sorry if I didn't get to it in a timely manner - I had a lot on my plate and I haven't heard anything about it from other Sasami fanboys. But now I had time for reading and TMFFA is down and having had problems for weeks and the whole TM fanfic scene is slow - a good a time as any.

That said, I don't think I will go on as I don't enjoy it very much. I have several criticisms:

1)The first four chapters are all notes. No one wants to flip over 4 'chapters' of notes just to read the first real chapter. Cut the notes down to size (really!) and put them at the end of the first chapter.

2)Okay, chapter 1. Well, I think you took a lot of attributes away from Sasami and made her look sufficiently skanky - I mean really, sex for sex's sake, not love:( It pretty much killed what I liked in the pairing right off the bat - much as TMiL2 did the same for me on the Tenchi side - so I have to wonder if you know your audience that you are shooting for? But it also raises a series of questions: "series of boyfriends?" If true, why isn't Aeka keeping an eye and a pair of guardians (episode 2) with her little sister? I'd expect that of her. Also, why does Tsunami wait until the last second and not get Sasami to go out with Tenchi in the first place?

It boggles the mind.

Personally (and OAV3 showed this, but there's a strong case for OAV2), I think that Sasami already knows she loves Tenchi as a little girl and the first chapter came out as unbelievable but let's say author's perogative on this one.

2)Ken. It's mentioned several times that he loves Sasami dearly. But then he spooked out of the relationship for good simply by a ghostly 'twin sister?' that appears out of nowhere? Even when Sasami approaches him later. Your narration, what you are saying is utterly contradicting what you are showing.

3)Okay, in the second chapter, Tenchi appears. 7 years later and he's almost the same utter boy he was in OAV1ish. I mean, what is he now? 23ish? He changed more in between OAV1 and OAV2 than he did here. Still stuttering at Washu's innuendo? Where did he grow up? Apparently not his own place. I don't remember his shyness pronounced at all by the latter half of OAV2 - not that it wasn't there. But it wasn't pronounced anymore meaning he got used to the girls.

Sorry I couldn't go farther. There's simply better T/S stories out there for me to read. I would cite an excellent example is the unfinished GeekyOmega's "Rise of Tsunami." Email me if you want a copy, it's not available off the net.

I think the lessons here are two-fold:

Know the characters.

Know the audience.

Not speaking of the OOCness that everyone had noticed, there's other things that you haven't noticed.

1- I think that Sasami got too little screen time for her to justified her romantic claim for tenchi. But that's Sasami, she's not that useful in a Action pack adventure, is she?

2- You gave Ryoko too much screen time,for a character that is going to bow out. I know that Ryoko's more exciting and more useful for plot advances(just like Washu), But basically what Tenchi did was just being a jerk, and ignoring her feelings(But He did do that in Tenchi in Tokyo, hasn't he? So it's not OOC.) But Ryoko would never quit, unless got told right in the face to 'Get out' (like in Tenchi Forever).

Try a more smoother landing next time. It was interesting, but there was just no plot to advanced on. And I agree with everyone. This is just you putting the character to act the parts of an unknown play. It hadn't enough Tenchimuyo in it, to be called one.

Sorry._" I hope I didn't offend you. But that's what I percieved of your story.

Wow! Thanks for going to all that effort on my behalf. It's appreciated.

Take care,

Net

Hi... I read your story. This is what I thought of it:

Follow the following link:

.com

Why ask why?

The tip? You're welcome; we aims to please!

And, of course, Your Mileage May Vary...

Ok. My last point and I'm done with this.

You have admitted that your story comes first and that you will make the characters do whatever you want them to do to fit that story. So here's my question:

Why not make an original story where you don't have to worry about characters becoming OOC?

You yourself say that the characters will be off so that pretty much means that you are only riding the back of a popular series for whatever reason. Popularity maybe? Can't think up an original past for characters? You just like Tenchi Muyo! and wanted to put in a fanfic about it? I don't know.

I've said this to others and I'll say this to you: If you can't keep the characters how they should be then just write an original story and put it up on fictionpress.

Oh, and thanks for the tip. I will never read another story by you again.

Still Boring.

And Someguy is right: Tenchi was born in 1977, making him 15 in 1992 when the first ova came out. In the first TV series, cira 1995/6, his birthday was bumped up to 1979 to accomodate the lag between ova and tv production. Nobuyuki was a junior in 1970 (they go back 26 yrs) as per the first movie, so bump that date back 2 yrs to come inline w/ the ova as well. So honestly, he should be around 52 or 53.

There's my 2 cents worth.

Of course I'm allowing the story I wanted to tell to shape the characters: that's the essence of telling a story. I think I said as much in the introduction. In fact, I did: "I've tried to project character development and personalities based on the OAV and within the needs of my story." The fact that I don't own the characters is completely irrelevent: it's my story. Anyway, if you allow the characters to shape the story there's no growth or change; just the same characters doing the same stuff again and again. Sort of like "Gilligan's Island" or the Okuda manga.

Was the 'frat party' scene a bit contrived? Yepper. However, I needed a shortcut to show the growth of a friendship - a growth that would have easily taken an entire story in itself. I didn't want to spend that sort of time, so I used that scene. Frankly, I thought Ryoko's reason for not tearing the guy in half - she didn't want to risk getting kicked out and upsetting Tenchi - was perfectly plausible. I liked it anyway.

And, again, ultimately this story is worth exactly what you paid for it. If you didn't like it, you're out only your time and in the future you can avoid anything with my name on it.

Thanks again for reading and take care.

You don't seem to get it. Of course the characters are going to act differently if you put them into a situation that would probably change them, but my point is that you are not shaping the story around the characters (which you did not create and do not own). You are shaping the characters into your own story.

Let me make an example that might let you better understand this. During one of your flashbacks at the beginning of your story you have Ryoko go for a walk with a guy. They come back and Ryoko is in a somber mood while the guy is excited and brags to his buddies. Ayeka asks Ryoko about this and she pretty much says he sexually harassed her and later threatened her if she told anyone they didn't have sex. This took place not even a year into what you have change her: school. In fact, it sounds more like a couple months. Now, as a response, what would Ryoko do?

a)Beat the shit out of the guy and hang him upside down by his underwear on a flag pole.

b)Run and tell the nearest authorities.

c)Accept quietly and later run out crying.

If you've seen any of the series you would probably say a). If Ryoko was trying to settle down and get less flak from everyone you might say b). Under no circumstances would she ever do c). You know what? She accepted the threat quietly and later ran out crying.

This is OOCness. And it fit into your story as it let Ryoko and Ayeka become closer freinds-something that might not have happened had Ryoko beaten the tar out of the jackass or gotten him in trouble with the GP. You forced the character to act differently then they would have. There are endless examples of this, I just wanted to show you one where you couldn't pin it on changing over time and experience.

And by the way, Tenchi is 15 and Sasami is 8 (or 708 if you include the time spent frozen with Ayeka). It is fact. Can't argue with fact. You can say it was 11 years instead of 7, but you didn't. And I don't remember anything about Sasami (or any of the girls for that matter) menstruating in the series. I could be wrong about that, but I'm pretty sure it was never brought up.

Again, I'm not trying to be mean, but you are making excuses for the story you've written. This is human nature and all, but you are almost trying to make the reviewers look wrong and you and your story look right and good. I know that many reviews are based on opinions-I'll be the first to admit that-but your story is based on things you did not create, so there is a point where opinion becomes fact and your word doesn't matter anymore.

Sorry for not reviewing all the other chapters but I have read all of them. I have enjoyed this fic and am gladly waiting for the conclusion. Yes, it does lack some action but that doesn't really bother me. Some fics have action, some have drama, and some have romance. Others contain many elements but because a fic only contains one or a few doesn't make it any worse to me. Though I am saddened by the fact that Ryoko may not get Tenchi, its okay, maybe Tenchi really doesn't love her like he loves Sasami (Tsunami) as portrayed in your fic. Of course, that's my biased opinion. I'm just glad you shared your Fanfic with us and I wish you luck with future fics to come.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts; thanks for reading.

First: it's not *quite* over yet... True, the major plot points are resolved, but there's still a little to come.

Second: I'm pretty confident in my age guesses. Tenchi strikes me more as 17 than 15; he's certainly more mature in the OAV than Seina is in GXP and Seina is clearly stated to be 15 several times. My age guess on Sasami is based on "Hello, Baby" in which she's given a cake and left out of the action because she's started menstruating. Eight seems a little young, so I figured 12 or 13.

The sex scenes? Well, it was originally written to be a lemon. I took the exlicit stuff out, but the basic conept stood. I wrote this to explore - and perhaps exploit - the characters under a different circumstances.

And that brings me to my final thought: OOC-ness. Yeah, of course they're out of character. Since I'm going places the OAV has never gone, pretty much anything I do is going to be OOC; unless I'm writing filler material (like "Washu's Lullabye" or "Love Hime") or material that's specifically written not to interfere with canon (like Okuda), I really can't help it. Ultimately, you like it or you didn't; in any case: it's probably worth what you paid for it.

Thanks for the critique: this is only the second complete work I've ever written. I think my writing is improving and, hopefully, the next one will be even better.

aw that was cute! .

You really did a good job on this story and you had quite a lot of imagination...unlike me! lol

Well, I read the whole story finally so this won't be another review about little mistakes. It's a good story, but like everything has it's mistakes.

First, let me state that I'm biased towards Tenchi/Ryoko so I might be a little harsh concerning Ryoko.

Anywho, for the not so important things, I only have one semi-legit problem: Ryoko and her past with Kagato. It was stated somewhere that Ryoko was actually in control for most of her time with Kagato and did enjoy the destruction (but not death seeing as how she avoided that for the most part). That makes the scenes with Ryoko crying about the past a little...off. But seeing as how this is a common mistake I can accept it.

Next there is the problem with OOCnes. Just about every story has it, you only have it to a lesser extent. It's hard to put but I'll say it as best I can. You tried to put your story into the characters instead of the characters into your story. The result was sometimes very bad. Ryoko cries way too often. I don't care how bad the events are around her, there must have been over a half-dozen seperate scenes when she's caught crying by herself. Not right. Then you seemed to try to keep Tenchi away from her by having other characters comfort her (Misaki comforting Ryoko? Odd. Washu speeaking three words to her and quitting? Really odd). Overall, Tenchi's character is really off. I don't know what you were thinking but he is both more straight forwad and more uncaring to the girls. You forget who Tenchi is, my freind!

To get off Ryoko and Tenchi for a bit, I'd like to talk about the sex scenes. Perfect example of fitting characters into your story. WHAT IN THE UNHOLY HELL WERE YOU THINKING? These are some of the most forced sex scenes I've ever laid eyes on! Tenchi wouldn't do this crap no matter how old he is and how much aphrodisiac he's taken!

Now for my next little complaint, you really seem to underscore the whole love concept of the series only to replace it with...I don't even know. Some kind of weird freindship/family thing with sciences and sex mixed in. It's hard to describe, but what you write in this story is a real dummed down version of the love we might see in a romance-such as Tenchi Muyo!. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Finally, to end this all up, your romance is predictable (I looked at the chapter titles and guessed correctly), your conflicting characters are traditional, underdeveloped and create a fairly good plan in a bad way (killing supporters is a good way for any great idea to fail miserably and get the leader caught) and you fail to let the characters become a solid part of the story smoothly.

You have a good idea and a solid writing style, you just don't know how to bring it together without forcing peices in and highlighting major areas. I'd tell you to go for a rewrite, but it's a long story and you've gotten too many good reviews to listen to some guy.

Otherwise it's a good story and there is a lack of Sasami romances. Keep up the good work and remeber to smoothe down the concrete before letting it set.

Note t self: read whole chapter before reviewing.

Also, Sasami would appear 15 as she is only 8 by the end of the OAV. Washu is the one who appears 12. I have no idea about Noboyuki, but 50 sounds a little old.

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just bored and wanted to clear a couple things up.

Just thougth I'd let you know, Tenchi would be 22 seven years after the OAV ended. He's only 15.