chapter nineteen: education

-o-o-o-

Though I saw no need to enroll in the local school, I appreciated Jumba's knowledge and good humor, and spent a fair amount of time studying with him. He taught me as much about security hacking and dirty jokes as principles of physics and genetics. Some months after David and Nani's engagement party, I lounged around his lab, perusing his collection of books. Lilo lay in the corner on her stomach, busily working on another of her many colorful drawings.

"So hyperdrive," I began asking Jumba while I skimmed diagrams in a book about space travel. "Is when you accelerate beyond the speed of light, and bypass time and space?"

"Yes," Jumba responded. He was seated at his desk, tinkering with a cooking device Pleakley had asked him to repair. "That is the general idea."

"So it's like warp drive." I remembered my travels through interspace, the strangeness of the space between Worlds and the difficulties in navigating it. "But then what is hyperspace, if you bypass space and time? How does it exist?"

"Hyperspace is simply another layer of reality, beyond the physical space that we know and see, understand?"

I nodded, tracing the book's drawings with my finger. Hyperdrive seemed like such an enormous feat. You would have to have the technology to build a ship that could move faster than light, and then you could go anywhere in the universe. But it didn't add up to my experiences, to the things I had Seen. My mother and I had needed only a raft to travel to worlds far away from home.

"And hyperdrive… this is the only way to travel to other worlds? What about the Doors? And the Pathways?"

Jumba ended the movement of his busy hands and looked over at me, grinning slightly. The abrupt silence of Jumba's clings and clangs caught Lilo's attention and she looked up as well, suddenly interested in our discussion. "Ah. Now, you see, you speak of a realm of physics that is beyond my three-hundred and… well, my many years of experience."

I cocked an eyebrow. "You're kidding. Something you can't explain?" It was the first time Jumba didn't have an answer for my question.

The old scientist nodded, scratching his giant belly. "I was very fascinated, of course, when the worlds began to disappear. While we were marooned in Agrabah, I attempted to conduct research on this strange phenomena. But the existence of Doors and Paths and Interspace is nearly incomprehensible. Even the most brilliant of minds, Riku, which naturally includes myself, cannot ever understand the true nature of Lightness and Darkness. It is simply beyond our brain capacity; we lack the language to articulate it. One thing I can tell you that may help your understanding is this: there are worlds, and there are Worlds. There is outer space, and there is interspace. Within a World, you can travel from world to world; from planet to planet. This can be achieved through basic principles of physics and space travel. But to travel through interspace is to transcend the laws of physics. To travel from World to World, one travels from one plane of existence to another. You can never travel along a purely physical line from, say, Wonderland to Agrabah. Interspace is not made up of physical matter, and of course the only physical matter we have knowledge of yet that can penetrate it is gummi."

Jumba sat up from his desk and began scanning the endless shelves of books behind him. "Science can reveal nearly everything to us, I believe, if one has the desire to investigate. But there are some things, my young student, that only faith can explain. If you so desire to have such a thing, I suppose."

"Faith?" I asked. "You mean God?"

I had stopped believing in such a thing the day my mother died. And yet the role of fate, and the truth of my Sight, had led me to believe that there was some kind of order and divinity in the universe. Why else would Kingdom Hearts have brought me here?

Jumba only shrugged. "For some, yes, that is the easiest answer. I prefer science to guide my life, but sometimes one needs philosophy to fill in the blanks which are beyond our understanding. The line between science and philosophy is difficult to discern, of course. Where do the Doors come from? I do not know. But I did stumble across some very old writings in the Agrabah marketplace. They speak of an old religion, old philosophers' understanding of the universe." Jumba chuckled. "Our Worlds are now awakening to the role of Light and Dark in the physical universe, which we once thought had never been spoken of. We always think we are new, that we are seeing things never seen before. But history tells a different story. The ancients knew of these things, experienced them, and left behind their relics to remind us."

He let out a sigh of relief as he at last found the books he was searching for. He blew off the dust that covered them and handed me the tattered texts. I touched the illuminated manuscript cover, decorated in faded gold symbols and images. It was labeled in a language that was foreign to me, and yet when I squinted, in only a moment I understood it. I could See it.

It was titled Dugris.

And in the next moment, though I had been pure and clean for months, maddening sickness struck my heart in full force. Knives and needles of darkness seared my flesh and insides. The pain swelled and swallowed me, the pressure against my skull so strong that my mind literally felt like it would burst. I could barely feel my body or hear my own screams as I flailed on the floor in agony.

"Not again!" I screamed.

Before, this kind of pain had bewildered me. But now I understood what it meant. It meant I was Seeing. I was Seeing something that was too strong for my physical body to withstand. It could kill me, I realized. If I didn't control my Sight, it could kill me, just as the King had warned.

The physical world vanished from view, and I found myself surrounded by an ethereal nothingness. An eerie kind of Nowhere. But I had been here before. I had Seen it, I had Known it.

Within this Vision my body seemed present and tangible, and so I stepped across the familiar colored glass beneath my feet. Before, I had no name for this place. But with my Sight I found that I Knew that it was called the Station of Calling.

A woman appeared before me, a glowing white nymph in flowing silver robes and long tendrils of silver hair. "You are dangerous to your kind," she said, smiling and shaking her head. "You are too powerful for your own good."

I cocked my eyebrow at her vague accusations. I could not even begin to respond to them. I was certain those words had meanings and implications that I wasn't ready to understand. I stuck to what was pressing. "Who are you?" I asked. "What is this place?"

She stepped closer, bringing her cloud of light closer to me. "You ask the simplest of questions, Riku. You ask questions even though you know you have the power to See the answers at will." She shook her head and continued. "Perhaps it is to the fortune of your kind that you do not yet understand your power. You could have destroyed the universe by now, if you really knew what you were capable of."

"But… who are you?"

"I am no one. I have no name or existence. I am Knowledge. I am a physical image of an entity that you could not comprehend—at least not yet. You can see me in this place because this is the easiest place to See. By enveloping yourself in a Vision, by hiding your mind here while your body remains lifeless, you are escaping the agonizing pain of Seeing. This place is a projection of what Mortals believe the Stations to look like. This place does not exist, either. It is Nowhere, just as you thought."

"You can read my thoughts?"

"Your thoughts exist to me as plainly as your hair or your hands. I am the Infinite. I See all. I Know all."

"So what then? You have something to tell me? Going to tell me my future or something?"

She exhaled deeply, smiling coyly and shaking her head at me. "I will tell you all that you wish to know; or rather, I may tell you all you are capable of knowing. You may obtain from the Infinite only that which your Sight will allow. You would do well to continue searching and studying for answers… you are too young and stupid yet to wield the power within you."

"I'm tired of hearing that shit!" My voice echoed through the endless nothing. "I thought I was past all this! I want to live a normal life! How do I make it stop? How do I make these visions go away?"

She laughed. "Do you think that visions really come to you? Riku, you come to your visions. The hearts of Mortals seek the truth. When a heart is strong, it can latch onto the Infinite and receive visions of that which it wishes to see. For most Mortals, such visions are fleeting. They cannot be controlled. But you are different. Your heart is different. You can See at will. You opened Jumba's book for answers, and your Sight revealed those answers to you."

"I was just trying to read a book! I never asked to See it! I can't See at will at all. It's completely out of my control."

"The power of your Sight is so profound, Riku, that you cannot possibly comprehend the power you have. If you ever want to see something, you can See it. If you ever want to know something, you will Know it. The mere desire to know something calls forth your Sight, whether you think you are doing it or not. For instance, I am not a woman, as you see me."

She paused and held up her hands, turning them back and forth. She twisted her finger around a lock of silver hair. "You have conjured up some version of your mother in front of you, and she is explaining these things to you in words that you can understand. But I am not a being; I am Knowledge. That you can access these truths from me, however rudimentary the delivery, is a feat few other Mortals have ever accomplished. For most Seers, the challenge is to summon the ability of Seeing. But your ability to See is beyond that of any Mortal. For you, Riku, the challenge will be not to See. Because you have the potential to See all, you must learn to only See what you need to see. You should be dead by now; no human body was ever meant to touch the Infinite as you have. You must simply learn how to control this gift. Conquer your Sight, or it will conquer you."

"Why me? Why am I here?"

"You still don't understand. I have not brought you here. You have chosen to See. I have not come here to see you. You have come to see me."

And then the Station began to fade, as my Sight bled into my memories. The Vision dissolved and for some reason, I could hear my mother's voice. I could hear her singing, singing to me in the ancient language of Dugris, singing to comfort me on our long journey…

-o-o-o-

My eyes opened, and I was lying in my bed. Lilo stood at the bedside, clutching my hand and watching me with teary eyes. "Are you dead?" she said.

"No," I croaked, gently easing into consciousness. "Not dead, kiddo."

Jumba appeared behind Lilo and gave a gentle pat to her tiny head. "That was quite a seizure you had back there," he said. "I have given you a sedative. You should feel better soon."

The bedroom door burst open and Jim ran in, still dripping wet from the ocean. "I came as soon as I heard," he said, plopping onto the edge of the bed beside me. He stroked my hair. "Are you okay?"

I hadn't been less "okay" in nearly nine months. But I nodded, and let him place a kiss on my forehead. "I really just need some sleep," I murmured, even though it was a lie. Despite Jumba's seditive, my mind had never been more awake and terrified.

Acquiescing to my request, everyone slowly emptied out of the room and shut off the light. I sighed, lost in fearful thoughts.

An entire adolescence of torture finally became clear to me. The Infinite, the All-Knowing, lived inside of me. If I ever grew strong enough, there was nothing I could not do. For one sparkling moment, I was tempted by the prospect of that power.

But then I remembered in horror the monster I had been when I had let Darkness into my heart. What if the power to See all fell into the hands of Darkness? I could never let that happen. The Infinite had already told me I was too dangerous for my kind. I knew that I would have to control my Sight. I would have to teach myself to See nothing at all, for the good of everyone.