Disclaimer: I don't own CSI:NY.

No Satisfaction

Why doesn't anything go right in my life? Did I do something wrong in a past incarnation that warrants such punishment now?

All my life, I've tried my hardest to please those around me.

I practised baseball everyday and night; more vigorously than the other kids on the team, so that when my father finally came to a game I would be on top form. But I never saw his face on the other side of the chain link fence.

Louie was the coolest kid anyone ever knew. He was in with all the big boys and knew the best places to buy booze and cigarettes. I wanted to be like him so bad; popular and handsome. New Jersey made me realise he wasn't as cool as he made people think.

Coach was disappointed in me when I broke my arm fighting off the mugger who attacked me. I should have been quicker apparently; or I should have just let him have my wallet, it wasn't worth the effort. Never mind that I had almost $300 in cash in it; it had been payday, after all.

Then there was Mac Taylor; Ex-Marine and all around grumpy bastard. Stella once told me that he used to smile before Claire died but I never saw it.

The smile must be reserved for everyone but Daniel Messer; I wonder if it states that on the packaging.

So, I shot that cop? Big deal! I reacted on gut instinct; anyone being attacked would have done the same thing. Even Mr Infallible.

I admit that talking to IAB wasn't the smartest decision, but it's human nature to want to defend yourself and all I was doing was stating my case.

Of course Mac doesn't see it like that; everything's my fault. He's been looking over my shoulder ever since; watching me, waiting for me to make another mistake.

He's looking for a reason to fire me, I know it; he even confessed that he was discouraged against hiring me. Obviously, he's realising that what 'they' were saying was right.

Maybe I should just quit before he had chance to.

I just don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he drove me off the force.