How to dress for revenge

They say it's lucky if it lands on your head...

Honestly, nobody will know it's a shotgun wedding...

A family wedding is the one time when you can get dressed up to the nines, right? Wrong. It's the time when you can use fashion to get back at family and foes for all the grudges you hold against them.

When shopping for a wedding outfit, your main concern should be revenge.

Let's start with the bride. She's the one who allows herself to be dolled up in an unconscienable meringue dress with layer upon layer of chiffon and silk....until you want to slap a Wide Load sign on her rear end.

But any self respecting bride also knows the only way she's going to come out of this experience with some modicum of decency is to make the bridesmaids wear something even more ridiculous. Floral patterns, puffed sleeves, evil pastil shades and strange hemlines are all fair tactics here. And of course the choice of the bridesmaid's headgear - preferably with feathers, flowers and sequins incorporated - is the chance for any bride to avenge herself on her alleged best friend for all those times when she was left to snog the geeky freak.

The wildcard at most weddings though is always the bride's mother. Depending on how much she despises the groom (and deep down they all do), she will set out to humiliate the happy couple by dominating the wedding photos. The most common tactics here are usually through selective use of the colours cerise and turquoise or in extreme cases, bold patterned prints. A broad brimmed hat can be used to great advantage too... in particular as a means of obstructing family members she doesn't want to appear on the wedding photos at all.

The mother in the example on the right, however, has teamed up with her fashion designer to completely upstage her daughter and that cretin she's thought fit to marry, by wearing a concertina. Nobody will ever even look at the happy couple in those photos. Mother-in-law: game, set and match!

If it is your wedding, remember, you are setting the dress code. This gives you the ultimate power over the others. But don't forget, it is war. In particular if you are the wrong side of a size 10, pregnant, short, tall, or in any other way different from a supermodel, do not shop for a wedding dress with another female. Certainly not your mother, best girl-friend, and under no circumstances with your future mother-in-law. Remember, you are shopping for the most humiliating outfit you will ever wear in your life already. People who know you, also know this is their one chance to get back at you for any grudge they may bear (and this includes the pain of giving birth to you or some playground incident from 20 years ago).

The advice they give you will be wrong. Your bum does look fat in that ruffle. Puffed sleeves do not suit you - hey they don't suit anyone else, so why should you be an exception? Trust your own judgement and nobody else's.

Remember, wedding day fashions are all about revenge. It's your big day - use it wisely.

Comment on this | Back To Top