Guide To Ivy League Presidents

http://www.dartmouth.edu/~news/releases/2007/05/images/wright-crist.jpg

Name: James Edward Wright
University: Dartmouth
Type: Old Money
Major Accomplishment: Shooting a 12 under par, even with one of those South American-type caddies.
Favorite Food: Alcohol, used-up power ties
Looking For In A Mate: A cousin and member of the country club.
Last Seen: Putting the finishing touches on his list of “Friendly Colored People”.

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Name: Catherine Drew Gilpin Faust
University: Harvard
Type: Cat Lover
Major Accomplishment: Finally getting Mr. Mittens to wear the cat jacket/bow tie she knit for him.
Favorite Food: Whiskers Giblets and Gravy
Looking For In A Mate: Too busy with career/hobbies
Last Seen: Awarded honorable mention at Norfolk County Cat Show, flying into a rage.

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http://www.brown.edu/Administration/News_Bureau/2000-01/00-049b.jpg

Name: Ruth J. Simmons
University: Brown
Type: No-nonsense
Major Accomplishment: Becoming the first Admiral of Brown University
Favorite Food: Punks like you
Looking For In A Mate: Tall, articulate, epaulets
Last Seen: Telling David J. Skorton to get her dry-cleaning.

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http://www.columbia.edu/cu/news/02/04/images/leeBollinger.jpg

Name: Lee Bollinger
University: Columbia
Type: Sensitive, Transexual, Murderous
Major Accomplishment: Finishing up the design for his “woman-suit” Favorite Food: Ovaries
Looking For In A Mate: Comforting, good skin, headless
Last Seen: http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/24/leewantedfj4.jpg
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http://www.cornell.edu/presidentsearch/images/gallery/0-skorton-portrait-low.jpg

Name: David J. Skorton
University: Cornell
Type: Mama’s Boy
Major Accomplishment: Making it through 2 years of med school, thus almost winning mother’s love
Favorite Food: Egg salad sandwiches, Fruit By The Foot
Looking For In A Mate: A strong woman who knows how to pack egg salad sandwiches, and only cuts them diagonal NOT horizontal, mom!
Last Seen: Asking Ruth J. Simmons if the J in her name stands for “Jeremiah” too; Asking Amy Gutmann if she wants to get coffee; Asking his mother if she wants to go to the movies.

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http://graphics.boston.com/bonzai-fba/AP_Photo/2007/05/10/1178820362_1469.jpg

Name: Amy Gutmann
University: University of Pennsylvania
Type: Bubbly, smiley
Major Accomplishment: Contributing a theory of deliberative democracy to political science; Getting more valentines than that skank Ruth J. Simmons
Favorite Food: Flavored martinis
Looking For In A Mate: Career-minded, well-read, starting QB
Last Seen: In the girls’ locker room, through a hole drilled in the wall.

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