In one of the greatest QB performances in the history of the NFL playoffs, Tim Tebow came up large! Larger than life and larger than...oh, no I can't say it!

WOW! Just WOW! You GO Tim Tebow...yo Da MAN! What a great game! A performance for the ages! What a great player! A winner! I'd like to say I was there...but I'm in my basement wishing the Chicago BEARS were roaring!

GO Tim Tebow - GO! In one of the most astonishing performances in football history - Tim Tebow Tebow'd!

I have never Tebow'd...don't think I ever will Tebow...but this was simply INCREDIBLE!  His faith is truly remarkable...does HE know something the rest of us should know?  What kind of faith does this kid have?  Lordy!

I can imagine....

Cities that float through the sky,       

    cities in the form of spheres on the Earth to Mars trade route....       

A band encircling our Sol, a place of agriculture and science,     

   Designed to expand as Sol slowly turns into a red giant.      

   It was once an asteroid belt.

And Earth?

After a 10 billion years it still exist,

   towed into a higher orbit near Saturn,       

   As an honored living museum of Origin....

All because of the questioning of reality,     

All because scientists discovered God in a particle,     

   And learned the true secret of mass.... 

University of Phoenix too expensive for you? No worries! Leafydebater offers top of the line courses fit for any person's needs at absolutely no cost!

Today's topic: HOW TO TALK LIKE MICHELE BACHMANN.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Step 1: Analyze the question thoroughly.

This step is the most difficult, because all five brain cells need to be used. Take the question at hand and pick it apart. What is the main objective of this question? Is it a mere discussion of policy, or is it trying to back you into a corner? Is it about something you really care about? Is it nonpolitical? Do you know what that really big word means?

For this lesson, we're going to use a moderately-difficult question. You are asked the following:

As President, what would your plans be for the future stability of the Middle East?

Notice immediately that this is a backing-into-a-corner question, because you, or rather, Michele neither knows anything about, nor cares about the Middle East. However, to appear honest you must answer the question as clearly as you can. What are the big topics in this sentence? There are only three big things worth paying attention to: President (this should be an immediate alarm), future stability (you don't know what this means), and Middle East, (the Island next to Australia on the map).

Now that the question has been analyzed, you must form your response. This leads us to step 2.

Step 2: Use the text given to you in the question.

This is the most important step, because it will make you look like you know what you're talking about, while letting you dodge a question you know you won't like. Use the implied position, in this case, you are the President of the United States. You must also use the subject, in this case the Middle East, no more and no less than once. Here is your response to this point:

As President, I _______— the Middle East ___________.

For those of you who don't know what those symbols mean, here is the response written out in long form:

As President, I blankety blank blank blank the Middle East blankety blank blank blank.

Step 3: Use several related topics to fatten your response.

Because you only have a slight idea of what a "Middle East" is, you now must think of related subjects to insert into this response. In an average response, use a historical figure, a location, a reference to the constitution, and an idealistic Conservative policy. Sometimes, you may even have to insert other things, such as a fruit, into your response. That's not needed.

Your response so far:

As President, I will follow the example set by Thomas Edison, whose foreign policy directly reflects the Constitution's nonrestrictive gun laws, to keep the middle east from fighting with Israel so they won't take all of our oil.

In that statement, you have Thomas Edison, who in Michele's opinion is one of the finest Presidents to ever exist, setting the slaves free and fighting for our independence from the Koreans. You also have Israel, which is that annoying waste of space (location) that Sarah Palin is in love with. You also have the Constitution's true gun policy, and the promise of more oil. That works nicely, but it is not complete yet.

Step 4: Insert an attack on Obama, combined with liberalism and gay marriage.

Obama and gay marriage are the two things that you (and conservatives) hate the most, so it's best to attack him every quarter sentence or so. Always mention gay marriage (and your dislike of the practice) at least once a line. It appeals a lot to mainstream America.

Your response so far:

As President, I will follow the example set by Thomas Edison, whose foreign policy directly reflects the Constitution's nonrestrictive gun laws, to keep the middle east from fighting with homosexual-controlled Israel so they won't take all of our oil, therefore getting rid of Obama's big-government healthcare influence and freeing the region from the chaos caused by a liberal agenda.

Looking pretty good, but you're missing the most important and final step.

Step 5: Praise Jesus.

The center of your existence should always be made known to America and your faith should influence your Presidency thoroughly. Therefore, for every response to a question, Jesus should be present more than once in the answer.

It may not always be possible to weave Jesus into the current response. That is ok, just add a small sentence at the end and dedicate it fully to the Lord. It doesn't even have to be related to the subject at all. In this case, I've done both.

Your question, and final response:

As President, what would your plans be for the future stability of the Middle East?

As President, I will follow the example set by Thomas Edison, whose foreign policy directly reflects the Constitution's nonrestrictive God-given gun laws, to keep the middle east from fighting with homosexual-controlled Israel so they won't take all of our God-given oil, therefore getting rid of Obama's big-government healthcare influence and freeing the region from the chaos caused by a liberal agenda. This is a policy that I will pursue aggressively because Jesus has not yet saved the Middle East from Chinese elitists and I know that Jesus wants what I want for the starving children in Africa.

Sometimes Jesus can be your fallback to creating a decent response. If you're left with something that looks like Step 3, just insert Jesus between every word. It may not appeal to the intellectuals on Wall Street and the Pentagon, and the gas pumpers from the Shell station on exit 3, but there's a larger, more diverse portion of America that is far too stupid to know what the Middle East is. They will be satisfied by the "proper" use of Jesus.

To them, your response sounds like this:

As President, I will _______________— some guy, whose __________________— Constitution's __________— God-given gun laws, to keep _________________________homosexual-controlled __________________________God-given NASCAR stuffs, therefore ____Obama's _______— _____________________________— ___________________________________________________— __________________________Jesus ________saved _______________________________________Jesus ______________— _____________.

As long as you remain one of the most intelligent people on planet earth, it does not matter what your responses sound like to the average American, because they will vote for you because you are Christian, you are sexy, and you appear to be on top of every issue that they want resolved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations, you have successfully passed the "How to Talk like Michele Bachmann" course. You may now go out into the world and respond exactly as she would to any question that you are asked. 

Class dismissed!

• by BK Lim (written in May 2011, updated 1 August 2011)

These series of pictures were taken between 15 May to 31 May 2011 during a holy pilgrimage. I had wanted to post them earlier but something held me back. There seems to be a message and the timing of these images in the sky could not have been more fortuitous. Will fill in the details in later posting.

Are these just figments of my imagination or evidence of GOD's existence? Is there a message from all these images?

If GOD is all powerful and merciful, why are all the disasters happening with increased ferocity and frequency?

Perhaps, the readers can help decipher the message.

Representative Anthony Weiner has his "weenier" in a roast of a political fire that looks like it might end his fledgling porno career even before it takes off. 

Sending a photo of his scrawny weenier on Twitter is an act of desperation for a horny teenager, but for a man 46 - it is indicative (no pun intended) of a Congressman so lame he doesn't know enough to call an "escort service" when he is romantically inclined and his wife is out of town?   How slow is that?  Not Congressional material.  Washington D.C. has more hookers per square inch that square inches , noted an unnameable source from the Washington, D.C. Tourists and convention bureau, "many are serving in Congress".

Congressman Weiner admitted that he is a "sexual freak", but that shouldn't keep people from voting for him.  His spokesperson says that he is considering accepting the "lucrative offer" from Fox TV Network News to join their staff of sexually disgraced political pundits, including: 

1. Bill O'Reilly, who dodged a bullet by paying off a female staffer with a 3 million dollar settlement for sexy harassment;
2. Dick Morris busted as a "political adviser" for paying for toe sucking sex from a prostitute with campaign funds;
3. Newt Gingrich, the thrice married wannabe Republican nominee for President of this "cheer" USA; adulterer par excellent.
4. Sarah Pal-in, confessed adulterer whose soon to be ex-husband is en-snarled with a prostitution/massage parlor bust in their bustling cosmopolitan city of 7000;
5. And, Ann Coulter who recently came out as a man thanks to extensive counseling from Chaz Bone.

Congressman Weiner would be a "Winnie "if he accepted the millions that Fox is offering him to join the staff of the cable network that he has criticized so veraciously for their lack of journalism decorum.  Tony has also criticized the partisan Fox TV of perversion of journalism.

"Politics makes strange bed fellows," a political sage was quoted as saying the first time he got caught with his pants down, "but, I don't know who this guy is or why he was in my bed.  Maybe he is part of the hotel staff and was making my bed when he fell asleep," the sage offered, then, immediately was stripped of his standing as a "sage" for a non-sage like ex-cuse.

A spokesperson for Tony (soon to be stripped of his Congressional garb)  Weiner has hinted that Hustler's offer to photograph the soon to be former Congressman are "on going and look pretty good".

A spokesperson for the Democratic Party stated, "This is inappropriate behavior for a Democrat but expected of CONSERVATIVE, EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN, RIGHT WING, REPRESSED REPUBLICANS, civility speaking, of course, horse."

To Whom it may concern:

My name is Agapi, from the United States. You may say that I lead a triple life, something hard to pull off in this day and age. One life is my normal life, where you may find interest in the fact that I am Christian. My second life does not concern you nor anyone who may read this message. My third life is displayed in my email; I am a prominent writer on the site newsvine.com, where I, as a humble 16 year old, am able to find a voice in today's headlining issues, and make my own opinions known to a variety of people.

I have watched your church grow in the national spotlight for several years now, and with your messages comes much curiosity. Like many, as I am sure you are aware of, I disagree with. I have friends and family that identify as homosexual that I am quite attached to as people, though I myself am straight.

My question to your church today spawns from years of thinking and writing. It concerns several choice passages in the bible that seem to contrast your views as a deliverer of messages from God.

From Mark 12:31: "Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."

From Luke 6:31 "Do to others as you would have them do to you."

And finally, from 1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

You claim that you travel to spread God's word, as many other churches do. We both know your message varies from mainstream churches, and I am not here to dispute whether your message is true or not. However, your signs often read "God hates _____". The passages above, taken directly from the bible, state that it is God's will that you love your fellow people and treat them the way that you would want to be treated. Instead of following these guidelines, you traditionally spread HIS word through hatred. Why do you choose to go against God's word in this manner, especially when you claim to be spreading it? Wouldn't a more positive tone echo the bible and God's teachings?

I do have one other curiosity, and I apologize for the lengthy email. If you look back in history to the time of Jesus, you will realize that Christianity through Jesus spread from the commoners to the aristocrats, as many religions have done. Jesus gained popularity through his teachings of love and kindness, and his initial followers would have included but were not limited to homosexuals. Would you be so kind to explain this and also why you would wish to diverge from Jesus Christ, the son of God?

I thank you for your time, because I do know that it is precious. Any response to any of my queries would be vastly appreciated and would contribute to my growing high school knowledge about this world and beyond into the heavens. I must let you know that this email will be published onto my column, www.leafydebater.newsvine.com, and any response will be published, including no response. Responses will not be edited in any way and comments from others will be carefully monitored.

Thank you for your time,

Agapi

Was God so busy helping Obama take out Bin Laden that He forgot to turn the rain spigot off in the mid-west (causing Biblical style floods) and turn it on in Texas where they desperately need, and have been praying for rain?   God does work in mysterious ways.....or maybe... He doesn't work at all!

How about all the children dying of disease and starvation in countries that are pounded by missionaries handing out the Bible with thier blessing that God will help them?  No wonder Mother Theresa lost her faith in Jesus!

Haiti has the most missionaries of any helpless country with the worst possible outcome to their presence.  If God could just make the slightest since to those of us who see through the facades of powerful man made religions.

I hope for a better day for mankind......through enlightenment and reason.

TryUsingLogic

Pastor Terry is that tall, awkward, backwoods looking, long gated, internationally famous, Burn The Crayon, self-appointed preacher and leader of the infamous, but, misguided flock of the FAMILY-MEMBERS -ONLY CHURCH, know to the FBI as that Great White Tacky Southern Baptist, Barn-Sided Catheral in The Hills. 

However, its official title is:  "Burn The Crayon! Burn The Torah! Burn The Mormon And The Roman Catholic Bibles, Too.  Burn Them Baby, Do It, Do Do.  Burn Baby Burn!  Torch The Hall - Burn Them All - Even The Unholy Writings on the Bathroom Wall - Burn Then All! The Encyclopedia Britannica and Most of All, The Damnable McGuffey's Reader." 

"The MC Giffy Reader," our unintelligible source, reported, "was included in the Pastor's List of Books To Be Damned And Burned," because according to our much-clubbed, simple-minded reporter, Anonymous, "the Pastor suffered a frightful childhood incident that still traumatizes him to this very day."

"Perhaps", offered our nearly literate source, "if fully understood, it might explains why this man of God, Guns and Evangelical Born Again Christianity hates gays, loves to burn stuff up and suffer with his life-long compulsion to suck on wooden match sticks." 

Our lowly-placed, anonymous source, explained:  "When Pastor Terry was a cute little, long underwear wearing, clod hopper attired school boy; in addition, to beating up the other students, he was the sad victim of a very mean, male homosexual teacher who caught him blowing Bubbles in the boys bathroom, and, when Bubbles confessed to the teacher, the teacher was Mad-As-Hell-Jealous, Girl. 

"Imagine, sweet-peas", our anonymous source, continued, "that spurned, dried up, prune face of an unsatisfied teacher held the dirt poor, little Terry back for six consecutive years, water boarding him each time until poor Pastor Terry learned to like it; delaying his educational growth and putting the future pyromaniac in the same classroom with his father, Cletis?" 

The suspicious source added, (although we asked him not to say anymore):  "Gods knows what else that socialist, union loving prevert of a lazy public school, over-paid teacher did to the little budding fire starter as they held hands together singing hymns and showering together in the boys restroom where they often played Dunk the Apple after school when all the other children went home." 

Our reporter was so moved by this story that he cried like a little school girl, which, of course, he is.  (We, here, at the Pigeon Report, can't afford to pay our girls big salaries like FOX TV NETWORK NEWS, our idol.  

"I see traumatized written all over this story," giggled our unprofessional source, Anonomous, who demanded that we keep his name confidential, "to guard my identity, because I have been a victim many time of Identity Theft - once even by myself," he explained, though no one was really interested or wanted to hear any more. We all just wanted him to leave, but, he did not and demanded anonymity.

Naturally, we agreed to keep his identify unknown to the public, but not to our friends, family, colleagues and drinking buddies at our favorite watering hole, "Drink All Damn Day, Bastards".  We agreed to the sanctity's and understand the need of privatising rumors and did so, knowing full well, that the good, country Pastor is a pistol-packing, bible-thump-er with an itchy finger and access to cheap Wal-Mart ammo. Bravely, we pushed our source forward and told him to take all the risks, shielding the institution from lawsuits. He agreed after we beat him unconscious.

Pastor Terry, we discovered in our 60 second investigation, is an avowed self confessed, repressed homo, his self.  His goal in life, according to our anonymous source, is to " take an (expletive deleted) big ass, acetelyne blow torch and burn the hell out of that liberal, sinful, incorrect, unfounded scientific theory GLOBAL WARMINGand single handily French Fry all of its adherents." 

The good, Goofy looking pastor of the 32 member strong, Inbred Family-Members Only church, (comprised mostly of slow fire starters), "just dang gum it, cain't stand environmentalists," noted our anonymous source, who we had politely asked to leave several times.   "They are agents of the Devil," our source said, and, without our encouragement reported that the good Pastor Terry shook his fist in the air to emphasis his point  by knocking out his own Deacon (Mrs. Pastor) with one punch!

The potential violence rekindled our interest (which like your is waning) in this story and its possible potential to attract more than three readers to our maligned publication. We reversed ourselves by putting on our pants on backward that signaled to the tied-up reporter that would be untagged and encouraged him to go on with the his boring, liberal trash talking story of a Great White Hill-Billy American.

"The Pastor," our thrice indicted source lisped, "has longings of a manly nature for the day when he may get the honors to set fires freely, and, hopefully, one day be chosen to light the Annual Family Values - Bonn Fire Of Books, produced yearly by the group of Southern leaders known as the Koch Brother Evangelicals Who Have Successfully Infiltrated The Tea Republicans Party." 

This annual event is so huge in the Deep Asleep South that it is endorsed by the Chamber of Commerce, the nuts at the National Rifle Association, Vice President Dick Cheney, and most, if not all, of the Right Righteous, Extreme-Right, Tight Ass-Right Wing of the Conservative Branch of the new Republicans splinter group, Racists Are People Too, Tutu! Party. 

Our source continued, (even though we asked him not to again), by adding this indictable tidbit:  "That Great Southern, God loving, simple ninded hilljack & proud of it, self-made Pastor Terry, wants to incinderate the enemies of God on the front lawn of his new Temple Of The Naked Nazarene - JESUS H CHRIST church, built with generous gifts from Rupert Murdoch, The Koch Brothers and all of the nice folks at Democratic-Hating, Anti-Gay, Anti Semitic Fox TV Network News, whose support to the church could only come through anonymous sources and off-shore secret accounts for tax reasons. 

The pastor, we understand, (though it has not been confirmed), currently is burning books every Wednesday Night at the new Southern Evangelical Baptist, Christians Born-Again Three-Times, Barn-Sided Catheral where he also sleep. The Pastor has vowed to continue his practice of "burning stuff until HELL FREEZES OVER or, he get charged again as a Fire Bug", reported our too talkative, smoke covered source.  "The pastor is gonna keep burning stuff until he is raptured", he exclaimed.  Which this correspondent hopes is real soon. 

"I maybe ain't right in the head, but, that don't make me no fire bug," the Pastor artlessly said to our unknown and unknowable source. "I  jest loves burnin' stuff!  Always did and always will, ever since I accidentally burned my MAMA up in that fire that I sat in the chicken coop, where she slept."

The God fearin', good christian Pastor explained that he was, (according to his unauthorized bio), "reading my favorite comic book, Joan of Arc: Burning At The Stake, and, jest wanted to experience what a fire like the one on the cover of my 10 cent comic book felt like."

So, according to our disreputable source (is there any other kind) - claims that the Good, self-appointed Pastor built a big fire out of the siding on his mothers hen house, dis-remembering that she was asleep inside. He didn't do it on purpose, but he did inherit a lot of money to start his church.

Publishers Aside:  We, here, at the PIGEON REPORT, have taken a vow to never allow our sources name to cross our lips/beaks - even if we do know who it is and the Reverend Oral Fleece says that it is OK to release his name, we honor our journalistic vow and will not.  Despite the fact that source, Reverend Fleece, works for us as a part-time janitor and full-time hand towel in the Men's room.

Further, We, Pledge Allegiance To Remain "Mum and Dumb" on giving up (insert name here ) Reverend Oral Fleece's name, at all cost.  Our Journalistic creed  "We Distort - You Decide!" is augmented and strengthened by our dedication to the Journalism our Code of Ethics:  "YOUR RIGHT TO KNOW SUPERSEDES YOUR RIGHT TO EXITS!" which we purloined from Gary Burbank, of the famous (BBC) Burbank Broadcasting Corporation.   Thanks, Gary!

("I'm suing you!" was cabled to our HQ from BBC HQ.  We are still processing the meaning of the cable and will share it with you as quickly as our leader gets out of the can! Good Day, And That's The Way It Is!, from all of us at the Bird Dropping Institution).

Despite the fact that we went off the air, ten minutes ago, our near crazy source babble and babble on.  (I had to leave to get more coffee and wine).

"Pastor Terry," noted our neurotic, super-secret source, (who identify we swore to protect), "is little understood and a whole lot more coo-coo than you might imagined. That big hulk of hillbilly cheese is just a softie, if you know what I mean."

"Yep," echoed Reverend Oral, who confessed to having a crush on Pastor Terry, and admited to us that he is the "source of our discreditable information," to our great chargrine.  

"My God," Pearlie Sue-Sue, my toothless wife said, "he's been standing next to you tell the stupid story.  Ain't you got no brains!" she asked in that harsh manner that I fell in love with back in the 19 and 50's. 

"Please, don't use double negatives in mixed company.  You know how that turns me on?" I replied softly in an aborted attempt to get control of the situation.

But, to no avail, the voice inside my head, "Rev Fleece", said that he has known "Pastor Terry his entire pyromaniac burning-in-hell life".  It turns out that they were childhood buddies, neighbors and sweethearts back in the day 'afore they knew what "gay" is and both learned to hate that about each other.

Our source, confidentially confided, to us, that "Pastor Terry, bastard", that is how his childhood lover/friend/neighbor andreligious collague refered to him.  "Apparently, they had a fallin' out and the bastard turned to his loved of playing with matches and exotically fondling fires. "And, I suspect he will always," predicted Oral Fleece, our secret source, who is still, after all these years, spitten.  Oddly, the Reverend Oral Fleece, a fellow arsonist, lit the newspaper that he was studying as he chatted with us and explained that it was his custom to do thus, so as he could practice his Speed Reading Technique forcing himself to read faster before it burns up. "That a technique that public education if they weren't so stuck on socialism should pick up and share with young one," suggested the reved up Reverend. It was at that precise point that the editor smacked down the good Reverend and called him all kinds of names, except white.

Reverend Oral Fleece, who ask us to keep his name confidential for fear of reprisals, gave us all of the dirt on his  good, Christian, Pistol- Packing-Pastor friend, behind a bolted, closed door, in a Hush-Hush meeting that, we swear, will always remained sealed in the vault, as Elaine, on Seinfeld, loved to say: "It's in the Vault," then, she would pantomime zippering her mouth shut. You remember, don't ya? So, we adopted this policy, too. It's in the Vault. No one is gonna get it from in their.  In the Vault, yeserie, do dad.

Once again, the manical Reverend started into an unreceptive monologue about his former friiend and really, real close buddie, Pastor Terry.

"For starters, you see, his real name ain't Pastor Terry! Who the Hell give a kid the first name of Pastor?  No, brothers and socialist leaning sisters, his real name is is Terry, Terry Pastor, The Bastard.  After he became famous, he reversed it to Pastor Terry to save the aggravation and waste of time in going to a Bible College, cause he can't read anyways. Pastor Terry sounds more professional and, now today, he is a legend in his own mind. He just dropped the bastard part of his formal name because that is what most people outside of his family call him anyways and it would be redundant."

We, of the less than prestigious PIGEON REPORT were stunned to learn that Pastor Terry was a book writer and pamphleteer.  His literary works are list below in Crayon:

BURN THEM AT THE STAKES - (Pastor Terry's & God Plan for Non-believers.)  It was a Tea-Republican Choice Awards Winner in 2008!

BURN IN HELL!  (The gripping, unabridged, unauthorized autobiography that Pastor Terry is releasing in installments through TV evangelical out-lets, area Head Shops and the numerous public baths.  It tells of the frightening story of a life of hate and a love of the ring of fire.)

I Burn - You Burn, We All Sunburn!  What The Hell? - Still in development, but, opted by the Koch Brothers for the movie rights. "The Donald" snatched up the "air-rights" immediately when Trump was in town holding auditions for a new wife.  (Gals between the ages of 14 to 24, who have all their teeth and may still be available despite their advance matrimonial years should call: 1-800 I Am Super Rich, Bitch! for details).

"Wow," continued our source, despite repeated instructions not to:  "Who would have thunk it that?  he Donald was baptised three times by Pastor Terry?  Not I?  Not even Trump, but, Marsha Maypoles did. And, that is how Pastor Terry and Trump, 'The Fire Loving Chump,' as the good Pastor calls him, got acquainted.

Pastor Terry is known in the South as, "the Hot, Oily, Hill-Billy, Gun Toting, Back Woods Preacher From Hell, Georgia," who ignornantly burned The Crayon by mistake, really pissing off the folks at CrayolaCompany before the slow witted Pastor figured out that it was supposed to be burning the Muslim bible, The Koran.   That's what would get headlines, not burning The Crayon, and ignite WW III. "It's an easy mistake to make when you are a dumb, 6' 3", Hill-Billy with a third grade education", our source and he was being beaten and told for the hundredthtime, " . . . to!".

"But", our now extremely intoxicated source, brazenly prattled on:  "Let it be known far and near that the Pastor is not stupid!  Nor, is he queer. He just looks, both; acts, talks and likes manly things. But, schmucks thad don't make him stupidA  He can recite all his letters with out assistance from the teacher and he ain't prejudice neither.  He jest hates every one": 

 Jews, Muslims, Catholics, Hindus, Presbyterians, Homos, Democrats, Liberals, Free Thinkers, Marijuana Smokers, Tree Hugger, Yankees, Foreigners, You-Tube Users, Internet Abusers, Writers, Socialists and Newsvine Whiners!" 

Our source, despite being clubbed into a coma continued, unabashedly:  "But, don't let that make you think Pastor Terry is an empty headed idiot, a no-nothings, back woods preacher. He is more than that. Pastor Terry is also the holder of the world's first White JAC ASS Award, plus, he is a known numismatist, world class stamp and button-hole lick-er champion.  The Pastor (pronounced bastard, the French version) holds the record for the worlds longest church name, published in The Guinness Book of Recorded Liars, 2010 edition..

"He is not a pyromania," repeatedly shouted our comatose source. "Pastor Terry is fire itself!", he said.  "Where ever that man is . . . somethings is catching on fire!  I guaranteed - even if it just the Men's Wear-house clothing store." 

Some people, with less Christian charity, than the simplistic editorial Board of the Bird Droppings Institute, may accuse Pastor Terry of coming "Straight From Hell!"  But, we don't. We think he is from the New Jersey State Mental Institution where he escaped in 1963.  

Our team of Registered Offenders, here, at the Institution, have independently confirmed the above stated, vetted twice information and know for a fact - that it is fact-less, but, we printed it anyways cause we have space to fill and we are worthless liberals that don't know any better.

"It isn't that Pastor Terry likes to start fires - no, it's the thin, cold blood coarsing through his thick hardened arteries, the result of shooting-up bile as a wayward young delinquent and his many years spent Earnest-well as a decadent as a chicken hawk that has caught up with him and forces him uncontrollably seek the heat on lonely nights when he sleep alone and not with the chicken," concluded our source, motor mouth Reverend Oral Fleece, the habitual talker. 

"That bile)is what poisoned his minature sized brain and makes him shiver all the time," according to our disturbed, unknown source and often jealous rival, the Very Reverend Oral Fleece, Straight From The Street and Not From The Police!"

"You see," explained, The Good Reverend Fleece of the Church of the How Big Is Your Wallet? How Small Is Your Brain? Also know as the Easter Island Statues Assembly of Sworn Charlatans, to the Police's Fraud Division, Pastor Terry's real name is Terry Pastor, but, he is dyslectic and calls himself Pastor Terry cause he really is a dumb ass!  Always got things mixed up, that kid".

"Yep, we go way back to Cemetery College where we bunked together as roommate, as was the fashioned back in the day, not that we were gay, or anything, except for that one night of experimentation." (Wednesday night).

The Cemetery - Cold Storage School for Convicted Felons, Fire Bugs and Freaks is know in the Deep Asleep parts of the South for stacking one student on top of another.  That's why many of us choose this school.  It's also a clever way to teach students the stacking technique that would make them a fortune when they became full functioning cemetery employee and stacked their corpses one on top of the other.

After all, it's a form of re-cycling, using the same cemetery plot over and over again at little or no expense to the operator.  "Stack Them Six Feet High-Don't Look In Their Eyes - Shish Koom Boom By - Or You'll Catch a Sty", is our Alma Mater's rally cry.  It is engraved over the door way of every door in the entire school, in hand painted Hill-Billy English, so, folks that shouldn't know it secret meaning - didn't. I miss those days and Reverend Terry big hairy arms", whimpered our source now hooked up to  a portable life-support machine.

Disclaimer:  We have gleamed most, if not all, of this information from our source, when he gave a brief public speech the other night, lasting seventeen hours to a small group of ca-ta-tonic mute patients, here, at the Less Than Prestigious Bird Dropping Institute, A THINK TANK FOR SMART ALEC'S WHOPPED DAILY BY DUMB BULLIES.  We have been advised that these country yokels are now receiving their much over due pay back.  The former victims have turned the tables on the  bullies BY HACKING INTO THEIR BANK ACCOUNTS  & DRAINING THE SUCKERS DRY!

What information that we could not verify, we just made up! 

 PUBLISHER NOTE:  No part of this article can be reproduced, folded or shown without first washing ones mouth out with SOAP!

Flocking Off!

P.S:  This Epistle is dedicated to my sister, Carolyn Land-is Roberts Pigeon, 1939 - May 10, 2011 who has joined the Great Pigeon In The Sky!  We'll Keep The Roost Warm For You - Love, Jonathan Livingston Pigeon.

With the rain pouring down With the wind howling around The lights going out Those fierce and unearthly sounds. We did not sit in silence We did not sit in fear We laughed amongst ourselves We played games and told stories dear

AFTER being urged to do this by a number of people, both in other articles and by email, I have finally drafted the new constitution of the universe. Here we go!

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Here by stands the PEOPLE of the MODERN ERA of mind, body and soul, the survivors of BIBLE THUMPING and TORMENT FROM HELL. We, those people, have come together, to MAKE AMENDS and totally replace the Constitution as we know it, expand it past its original boundaries to the reaches of the rings of SATURN, HEAVEN, and MAXWELL, NEBRASKA. Under these laws heresobyofwith passed in the Constitution, the people of such will come together in UNITY to reinvent the world.

~~~

The CONSTITUTION OF LEAFYDEBATER will be passed IF AND ONLY IF it is backed by no less than THREE persons: LEAFYDEBATER is included), and must hold a majority vote. If passed, the effects of the new set of laws shall be put into effect IMMEDIATELY and without question. All other backings shall be used for purposes unknown to anyone in mankind itself.

Under the CONSTITUTION OF LEAFYDEBATER, the following LAWS and PRACTICES, all six hundred and twenty four of them, shall be put into effect. NO LESS than six hundred and twenty four of these laws may go into effect. IF less than six hundred and twenty four of these laws go into effect, than there will NOT be six hundred and twenty four laws that WILL go into effect, and that number of laws is FORBIDDEN under the above paragraph.

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ARTICLE 1) LEAFYDEBATER IS GOD.

If there are any questions, see Article 1.

~~~

ARTICLE 2) THE CAKE IS NEVER A LIE.

Cakes should not be lies. Everyone deserves cake and if they are told that cake does exist near their present location or future, they should not be dissappointed.

~~~

ARTICLE 3) ICE CREAM IS GOOD FOR YOU

Ice cream, among all other foods, tastes good and therefore should be deemed extremely healthy.

~~~

ARTICLE 4) WOMEN MUST MAKE GOOD SANDWICHES

Under the new constitution, women must make good sandwiches or they will be punished severely.

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ARTICLE 5) THERE WILL BE RAINBOWS ON FRIDAYS

Rainbows are nice and should appear every Friday. IF a rainbow fails to appear, we shall double the number of midgets mentioned in Article 6.

~~~

ARTICLE 6) TWENTY-SEVEN MIDGETS MUST DANCE AROUND THE FOUNTAIN OF LOVE AND HOPE

The fountain of love and hope must not be ignored by the dancing midgets.

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ARTICLE 7) FREE BEER FOR EVERYONE

Nothing to say here.

~~~

ARTICLE 8) THERE SHALL BE NO CRYING BABIES ON PLANE RIDES

Any baby on a plane ride of more than thirty seconds found in violation of this law shall be ejected from the plane and be fined when it grows up.

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ARTICLE 9) THERE SHALL BE NO LEAPFROGGING OVER UNICORNS

The unicorns must be treated with the utmost respect. Violators of this law will probably never have children.

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ARTICLE 10) TOMATOES ARE VEGETABLES

Any person(s) found violating this law will have sparkles thrown on them until they become vegetables. A tomato never was nor will be a fruit.

~~~

ARTICLE 11) POLITICAL DECISIONS WILL BE MADE BY GOD AND/OR THE SOCIETY OF PINK AND PURPLE PEOPLE

(For God, see Article 1) The society of Pink people will henceforth be established and will take over the role(s) of Senate and House. The society of Purple people will henceforth be established and will take over the role(s) of the House and Supreme court. The Society of Pink AND Purple People will take over the role(s) of President, Local councils, and anyone with an individual role in Government. In times of dispute, the latter society will be valued above the rest.

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ARTICLE 12) ALL PEOPLE ARE EQUAL

Raised statuses will be given to all who do not have the higher status in a social class system. Except for John L of Albany.

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ARTICLE 13) CHARLIE SHEEN WILL NOT BE WINNING

Anyone with the name Charlie Sheen who is a famous actor is henceforth banned from winning. Period.

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ARTICLE 14) BREAKFAST CEREAL MAY NOT CROSS STREETS ON TUESDAYS

Any box of breakfast cereal found to be crossing streets on Tuesdays will be eaten immediately.

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ARTICLE 15) MORONS AND ANNOYING PEOPLE SHOULD GO AWAY

All persons deemed to be annoying and/or moronic must go. Just go. I don't care where or how, but they need to go.

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ARTICLE 16) THOU SHALL OBEY THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

Except for the ones that may interfere with the CONSTITUTION OF LEAFYDEBATER, including all that directly oppose Article 1.

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ARTICLE 17) "AYE" AND "NAY" SHALL NOW BE KNOWN AS "SPARKLE" AND "TURTLE SHELL"

Sparkles are pretty and turtle shells hurt a lot, especially when you're jumping over mushrooms. These votes have been proven to be more effective than aye and nay.

~~~

ARTICLE 18) PENGUINS SHALL BE GRANTED CITIZENSHIP

Penguins are cute and therefore should be granted full rights under this Constitution.

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ARTICLE 19) ALL CITIZENS HAVE THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS

Citizens under the constitution have full rights to bare their arms. If a citizen has no arms to bare, than he or she will not be allowed to bare them. Citizens with false arms have full right to bare them.

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The following six hundred and five laws shall be written at a later date or in a comment below. No further article may be implemented unless ratified by no less than three people.

No article may have less than 1 article nor more than 1 article. Articles found to be containing 3/5 of an article are not allowed under the Constitution.

With all the above have been said, I , agree to adopt the new Constitution in its full and future forms.

Comments and votes (both kinds) appreciated guys, it took a few hours to write this.

PROSELITIZATION OF RELIGION: A RECEPY FOR CHILD ABUSE, TORTURE, RAPE AND GENOCIDE.

Two things led me to write this article, one is a case at the Old Bailey, the oldest Crown Court in London, where I had the pleasure of seeing convicted to 25 years the father and mother of my friend, Miss.M. Miss M. Is a 39 year old woman, who went through a gruelling childhood where she was routinely sexually abused by the father, a New Born Christian and the abuse took place with the knowledge and the help of the mother. Their defence was a string of bible quotes that in their view not only justified such behaviour, but it was sanctioned by God. The other was a recent article I have been following on Newsvine, ‘God hates Morons’.

What comes as apparent from such a case, that during the numerous court hearing one had to control not only one’s temper, but also the overwhelming feeling of nausea that such people generate, is that the sexualisation of children is institutionalized in Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Jehovah impregnated a 12 year old girl named Mary at her Batmitzva, and that Christians dare call this Immaculate Conception. Paedophiles (who go Church on Sunday and scream Jesus at the top of their lungs) consider this a good thing. I assert that under English Law, or under any law in the Western World Jehovah should be tried and convicted as a sex offender. The worship of such a pervert should be prohibited as it is quite obviously the root of a culture of child sex abuse, rape, torture, and ultimately Genocide (the latter will be subject of another essay) that sees one in four children in the Western World victims of such practices.

The Bible, the Thora and the Qur’an encourage a casual lack of regard for the right of the child from the outset. Common stories in the three books, like the story of Jehovah approaching Abraham of the desert tribe of the Habiru with an ultimatum “Abraham” he said “Take your little boy to the top of the mountain and slice his throat, do this and your descendants will out-number the grains of sand on the beach.” Abraham showed Jehovah that like the desert from he came, he too was barren, empty and gutless, and in fact clearly showed Jehovah that he was more than willing to sacrifice his own son to a voice. Such a man is worthless, not only he doesn’t care for his own son, but he is more than willing to kill him in the name of his paramount worship to Jehovah.

Extreme violence against children is quite obviously overtly or subconsciously encouraged by the Judeo-Christian religious tradition and dogma all over the world. Solomon, it is alleged, when two women were claiming to be mothers of the same child ruled that the child be divided in half and each should take a piece. Once again we are confronted with a casual disregard for the child. Christians love to celebrate Christmas, as the birth of Jesus Christ, son of Jehovah and yet conveniently choose to ignore that according to their own dogmas, the birth of their Saviour was preceded by a brutal act of infanticide committed by King Herod.

Christianity has an Ace of Hearts in respect to Judaism or Islam in that Christians are taught to practice forgiveness. That makes the whole scenario even more unbearable as it allows paedophiles to get away with almost total impunity.

There is considerable theological, academic, legal, and anecdotal material written about Christianity and Abuse. There is little, though that focuses on the victim’s perspective and subjective experience. To understand that one has to understand how Christian theological teachings impact on the psyche of the child that is being sexually or physically abused and their effects once the child becomes an adult; in this respect they are truly insidious. The following themes constitute the basis of the Christian Dogma:

• The value of Suffering and self-sacrifice (which is necessary for salvation).
• The value placed on obedience to authority figures: male God, male ‘Headship’, female submission, Honour your Father and Mother, etc.
• The necessity of remaining sexually pure: no sex before marriage
• The virtue of forgiveness and repentance.
• God will protect you
• Suffering and self-sacrifice is necessary for salvation.

‘Jesus died on the Cross to save us’ is the lynchpin of the whole Christian indoctrination process. Jesus suffering was redemptive therefore ours will be. This are three very insidious messages here that play in the subconscious of Christian Believers:

• We should not therefore reject suffering; indeed in fact we should suffer.
• Suffering is good.
• To be of value we should sacrifice ourselves.

These beliefs inculcated in children since birth shape their acceptance to abuse, and are in a perverse way, a form of abuse in themselves, as children have no defence against the imposition of such beliefs by their parents.

The central image of Christ on the Cross as a saviour of the world communicates unequivocally that suffering is redemptive. If the “best person that ever lived” gave his life for others, then to be of value we should likewise sacrifice ourselves. Any sense that we have a right to cater for our own needs is in conflict with being a faithful follower of Jesus. Furthermore this insidious doctrine sais: ‘every theory of atonement commands the suffering of the disciple’. For the Christian, and more so for the extreme right wing New Born Christian the goal is to be like Jesus – such an identification with the figure of Christ manifests first and foremost as an obedient willingness to endure pain.

It is not uncommon to find survivors of sexual and violent abusive behaviour believing that they have no rights to protection – that what they suffered as children or adolescents is somehow good not bad. Carrying one’s Cross is how the abuse is justified throughout childhood. Christian child and adult survivors of sexual and violent abuse make excellent victims, dying (suffering) so others might live, and believing that this is what a good Christian ought to do. The brainwashing is so pervasive and insidious as children that they will continue to believe this as adults, and such beliefs comes from the Christian message to serve, to obey and to suffer as all in the end lead to salvation and redemption. A message common to all Religions, as in reality Religion isn’t about faith it’s about control.

This glorification of suffering encourages victims who are being abused to be more concerned about their victimizers than about themselves. This is evident in child abuse where children try to protect their, usually, male abusers; in domestic violence where women feel guilty about reporting their abusers, in clergy related cases, like the recent scandals in the Catholic Church, or the many ongoing cases of abuse, rape and murder committed by Evangelical New Born Christians, and Catholic missionaries in Africa, and Latin America that have come recently to light. Here too it is common to see that male, women or children victims of abuse will do anything to protect the priests and the respective Churches and so on.

Serving others before self is a concept that is indoctrinated and stamped in the subconscious of children that are born to practicing religious households from the outset. The very act of Baptism committed on the child in Catholic/Christian households or the circumcision of the male Jewish or Muslim child is in effect the very first form of child abuse. Females in these households are taught to obey and serve the males around them.

“Jesus then rose from death triumphant, victorious”. The allegory of the Christian common view that response to suffering should be patience as by being patient something good will come of it. The whole concept of Christian suffering, of the suffering of Jesus to be more precise, is that it has a ‘purpose’. What is that ‘purpose’, well aside from a series of meaningless quotes from the Bible no Christian can really tell.

Any rational human being with a minimum of intellect cannot accept such views. Victimization never leads to triumph. It can lead to extended pain and extensive mental imbalance if it not fought or refused. It will lead almost inevitably to the destruction of the human spirit through the death of the person’s sense of power and self-worth, dignity, creativity, and self-assurance. It can lead to death through depression and suicide.

Many Christians victim of abuse, and Miss M was no exception, believed they had to suffer. Some were unclear as to why, but that overall that what they suffered seemed the right thing, as they were ‘bad’, within the contest of their respective families faith. If you are ‘bad’ then suffering is an understandable repercussion! This feeling of ‘badness’ came from being abused; but in the Christian woman/child this is felt as sin. Being abused means that you are ‘bad’, therefore ‘bad’ girls and boys are sinners – bad and sinners often meaning the same thing.

Another Christian victim of abuse, a woman, said: ‘it has always been my firm conviction that you are not born sinful, but that someone had to plant the seed of sin deep inside you’. Evidently the reference to the sexual violation is clear. This belief in Christian indoctrinated women and men victims of sexual abuse as children is far more common than one imagines, and the whole thing is further compounded, especially in women, by the patriarchal beliefs that girls and women are “naturally sinful” by nature, inheriting the myth of Eve who tempted Adam in the Garden of Eden. In fact it is a common misnomer uttered by members of Christian Fundamentalists Churches, and also a theological assumption in main stream churches, Catholics, Protestant, Anglican, etc; that women or girls are the main cause of their own abuse. A theology that doesn’t quite make sense, especially in the light of the many abuses that have come to light in the Catholic Church, since many boys are sexually raped and abused. It does ‘fit’ if one sees, by the study of individual case files how the abused boys feel emasculated following the abuse. The sense of personal guilt and shame of the abused, whether male or female, makes it so that victims pray to God to to purify themselves from their essential sinfulness and actually give thanks to the abuser for having brought on them the rightful chastisement of God, in this case the sexual act in itself, to show how inherently sinful they are.

Furthermore, as Christian children are taught that Jesus did not complain about his suffering, indeed he acquiesced, neither should they, as this is the right and Christian thing to do. This insidious form of indoctrination consequentially brings on the concept of the identification by the victim of Christ’s suffering and that will inevitably numb any willingness to confront violence and abuse.

Paradoxically the acceptance of suffering could well save the life of the victim, and here Christian Theology safeguards as well as numbs. It is Un-Christian to complain, and this translates as un-Christian to report the abuse or violence to Professionals or anyone outside the family or the clan. This is evident in the response of both families and Christian communities when a victim does report. It is seen as un-Christian, disloyal, a betrayal and wrong not right! In one Church in Birmingham, victims were spat on and insulted by the rest of the Congregation for reporting the priest of sexually abusing them. Victims of abuse have stated in police reports that their Pastor told them not to report, as it says in the Bible that if you have anything against your brother it should be dealt within the community – you must not go to court or the police, meaning the secular agencies. Neither must you seek therapy, since God and prayer will heal you. These arguments are extremely strong within the fundamentalist Evangelical, Pentecostal, Baptist Fellowships or House Churches.

Did the Christian God make sacred suffering? Does he sanction child abuse by allowing ‘his’ son to be killed on the Cross? A worrisome number of victims of sexual and violent child abuse within the Christian communities actually believe this to be so, ‘If he didn’t save Jesus he’s not going to save me.’

There is a strong Christian (Judaism and Islam as well) message that the adult is not to be questioned; Honour thy Father and Mother. Now in a normal family that wouldn’t be a problem, however in a discordant family such indoctrination stifles the ability of the child to challenge, question, or report their abuse experience. Suffering being already a ‘Christian virtue’ is then compounded by the silence of the victim. The whole foundation of this attitude to authority, which the Church has developed since the fall of the Roman Empire, has been established in the anthropomorphic concept of the Christian deity being a male and in the consequent human relationship with God.

In Christian (Jewish or Islamic) theology the honouring of both mother and father, in reality concentrates on the father, deemed the head of the household and in most cases of abuse, the abuser. The mother must obey the father. This special role is a direct result of the belief that God is male. For most victims of abuse this image is horrific: “I was taught that God was my father in Heaven and that my Father was God on Earth.” Miss. M during her cross-examination at trial.

One doesn’t need to be a psychiatrist to understand that victims of child abuse from religious households come to perceive God as the abuser – Just like her/his father. These are not rational or articulated thoughts by the victims but rather subliminal messages absorbed over time in a Christian home, particularly in the more fundamentalist and therefore ignorant and bigoted Christian homes where the headship of the male is paramount.

A male God teaches female children that males are superior to females, that they are more God-like than women. Male children are taught this legacy from the outset. For male victims of abuse this is compounded by the thought that they are somehow like a ‘female’ in being a victim, and therefore not powerful or God-like; the fact that Jesus was a victim doesn’t help either gender in reality. The trauma is a lifelong experience.

Catholic children and adult survivors of abuse have had to deal with the additional misogyny where the headship of the male is taken much further. In the Catholic Church (the largest Christian fellowship on the planet), only males can be priests, meaning that the male body (not the mind) is a true reflection of God and that only the man/God can inseminate (with a spiritual penis) Christianity into the faithful. Within Catholic Christianity it isn’t difficult to believe, given this premise, that Mass for some (and I wish to emphasise SOME!) is essentially a sexual act. To my horror, I discovered this reading an article in a Catholic newspaper (l’Osservatore Romano, November 5^th, 1995). The author, who doesn’t identify himself, but is definitely a Catholic priest, wants to clarify why women cannot be priest. He says, “in Christ, God penetrates the world to seed a new creation – his bride, the Church. During the Mass the (male) priest allows Christ to use him, to ‘penetrate’ his creation (the congregation) once more – nourishing his bride with his own flesh and blood. The metaphor in such a statement is nightmarish.

This in female victims translates in:

• Fear of God who, with a penis has the potential to abuse them also.
• Fear of priests who just like their male abusers (if not the abuser themselves) have the potential to abuse them. They don’t trust other women who are really misbegotten males (St.Augustine). Fear of speaking to mother of the abuse, especially when the mother is helping in the abuse, either by ignoring it, or by justifying it.
• The beliefs that only men have the skills to help them, since they are ‘man/God’ figures and yet because of that they too can’t be trusted.
• Developing a sense of endless guilt, a feeling of self-rejection as they feel that they got what they deserve because of the natural sinfulness of the woman.

While in male victims this translates in:

• A profound crisis of identity as they cannot see themselves as man/God, as they like women are victims. A profound feeling of inferiority and almost non-existent self esteem.
• A complete lack of trust in women as they are inferior and don’t have the physical attributes (penis) of the man/God.
• A lack of trust in the man/God figure as they see in it the abuser.
• A feeling of sexual inadequacy with women, as they feel their man/God masculinity taken away from them, and a feeling of self hate as they feel responsible for being so weak and sinful that God has punished them for their inherent unworthiness to have taken his shape as man/God.
• Furthermore the hidden trauma that the abuse of males is in most cases an homosexual act, that further compounds that feeling of self-guilt as that is a sin in itself.

One of the most controlling aspects of Christian indoctrination surrounds the issue of purity and all that it entails. The shame of sexual violation is pervasive in both male and females. Shame is linked with self-blame. Girls are brought up to keep their virginity intact, while boys are taught to be strong therefore both feel guilty for ‘allowing’ their respective violation.

The suffering that follows the rape is not just physical but spiritual and metaphysical. The importance placed on virginity by Christian doctrine makes women especially vulnerable after such an event. ‘Dirty and sinful’ is a common feeling among victims, and their confusion is deep.

However, of all the Christian doctrines the most insidious is the ‘concept of forgiveness’. There is no discussion, one must forgive! As it is promulgated this forgiveness has to be ‘unconditional’. One has to forgive no matter what. Though this doctrine of Christian forgiveness isn’t exactly black or white, as if one reads with attention their book, the Bible (In my opinion one of the most mentally damaging books in history), one finds in Luke: 1-3 a passage that actually sais: “if your brother does something wrong, reprove him, and if he is sorry (or repents, in some translations) forgive him”. Nevertheless, accepted Christian theology tends to ignore this and goes for unconditional forgiveness. Christian children and adults are taught (erroneously) to forgive without repentance from their transgressors, and if they cannot they become the sinners. Once a child or adult sais that he/she has been abused the peer pressure is applied to forget and forgive. Why?

Two main reasons can be identified:

1) The person who firstly hears the plight of the victim, in most cases a close relative, simply doesn’t want to hear such a thing because it is too horrible to acknowledge, brings to the surface a feeling of personal responsibility, and puts into question the very dogmas of the faith.

2) The Churches and their representatives simply deny at first, and then if the abuser is a priest or a pastor close ranks, create a wall of silence, and begin to focus in a negative way on the victim.

So what we see is the Church, the family, the friends, the clan all ganging up on the victim, leaving her/he alone to cope with the trauma, the self-guilt and all consequences of the abuse. Therefore Sexual abuse becomes a social collective exercise in hypocrisy!

What the victims are left to cope with can be summed up as follows:

1) Human Experience

Mum will punish me, Dad will punish me

FEAR

Spiritual Experience

I will go to hell, Even God hates me

2) Human Experience

I’ll never trust men/women again

TRUST

Spiritual Experience

I can’t trust God – He’ll let me down too

3) Human Experience

Why is this happening to me? Why me?

ANGER

Spiritual Experience

Where is God? Why doesn’t he stop it? He has the power to stop it!

4) Human Experience

My abuser is stronger than me

POWER

Spiritual Experience

God is bigger – Divine – greater than me. He has control over my life, can do anything he wants with/to me. He is God!

5) Human Experience

Everyone thinks it was my fault. I am dirty, horrible!

STIGMA

Spiritual Experience

I have sinned sexually – I must go to confession

6) Human Experience

I allowed this to happen, I temped him/her.

GUILT

Spiritual Experience

I feel anger, bitterness, hatred, I can’t forgive. I am the temptress, I am the sinner.

7) Human Experience

They all think I am mad, that I am liar!

SELF-INJURY

Spiritual Experience

The ‘ultimate sin’! Now I will burn in hell.

The above shows how feelings permeate both realms and make for a cocktail of trauma that is not seen in secular survivors of sexual child abuse.

As Jennifer Manlowe says, ‘religious language which promotes sacred victims such as Jesus Christ, promotes the concept of a sole male authority in the home, confuses the issues of Church vs. State is an extremely dangerous discourse because it spiritualizes political and social passivity’. A passivity that all religions need, in greater or smaller extents to exercise their social and political control over the masses.

To quote an infamous Christian: “The masses of the people will more easily fall to a big lie than to a small one”. Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf.

One of the first things to come up when questioning the existence of God and the extent of his powers is the question: "Is god all knowing and all powerful?"

You may have heard of this statement before, or a variation, and in an essay for Theology class one night, I made my view clear, setting aside my views of religion for logical and analytical purposes. Here is what I said:

If god is an omnipotent (infinitely powerful) being, can he create a bowl of cereal too big for him to finish?

First, we must set a standard for the term “God”. According to this question, God is omnipotent, meaning infinitely powerful, and must remain all powerful through the end. Now, with that in mind, we must look closely at the question. God is trying to create an object “Y” that is greater than him, “Y” being the bowl of cereal. Now we get presented with a catch: If God creates this bowl of cereal and succeeds, the bowl of cereal would be more powerful than him, setting God outside the standards of omnipotent. If God was not able to create the bowl of cereal, he would fail to meet the requirement and then again be set outside the standards of omnipotent. Since we have defined God AS omnipotent, neither of the scenarios is allowed to take place.

To make the bowl of cereal more powerful than him, God would have to be forced to stop eating the cereal. However, if he was more powerful than the cereal he would be able to finish the bowl. With that in mind, God can create an infinitely large bowl of cereal because he is all powerful. However, again, because he is all powerful, he will never be forced to stop eating, but because the bowl is infinitely large, he can never finish. Therefore God and the bowl have reached a scenario with no defined outcome and the question has no answer, making the entire paradox meaningless. And because God created a being that is equal to him, and the bowl of cereal can not complete the same task, god can unquestionably again be placed at all powerful.

According to Wikipedia, the most widely agreed upon answer to this question (when Y refers to a “stone that he can not lift”) is:

“One can attempt to resolve the paradox by asserting a kind of omnipotence that does not demand that a being must be able to do all things at all times. According to this line of reasoning, the being can create a stone which it cannot lift at the moment of creation. Being omnipotent, however, the being can always alter the stone (or itself) later so that it can lift it. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Omnipotence_paradox)”

However this answer leaves several loopholes that generate new questions, as explained later in that paragraph. The new answer covers many of the loopholes that the other answer left open, while defining God as omnipotent throughout it.

What is your opinion?

The big "boogie man," in my limited opinion, behind every door in all PHILOSOPHICAL DEBATES is JESUS!

That long haired freak in a flowing cheap cloth muslin dress, leather sandals and no job wondering from town to town rappin' with folks (MOSTLY WHITE FOLKS - YOU KNOW ABOUT CAIN) in exchange for free food, a free place to crash for the night - far, far away from the long arm of the government. That Jesus!

Every transplanted Hillbilly, now serving in the scared halls of this hereUn-United States Congress, claims JESUS as their personal savior, regarldess, if at that very moment, they are PASSING LEGISLATION THAT WOULD END UP pounding the Hell out of someone "just fer the fun of it," because they believe that God wants them to beat up "fags, Liberals, geeks, Northeners, bookworms, the unemployed, blacks, classic pianists, Democrats, Mexicans, Liberals, those that work with their hands, musicians, poets, visual artist that display at national art galleries, socialists and Lutherans - the general "riffraff" that makes up most of America.

The greatest of our great politicians (John Boehner the newly elected Weeper of the house) do so, again in my lowest of low opinion, because they were instructed to do thus in their youth by their Hillbilly-Backwoods, Born-Again, End-Timer, Self-Appointed Pastors who, for the most part got their mail order Preachers License from a cereal box and now have them tatooed on their foreheads for all to see, lest they be suspected of not being a "true" Christian.

Let me ask you, boys and girls and some of you "fairies" of the "Holy Vine", if JESUS, that's J*EEE*SUS returned today, right now, this very moment, do you all think he would be a REGISTERED REPUBLICAN?

A "Damned" Disturbed Democrat or a Tea Party Kook Hopped Up on Rush Limbaugh's "Ditto Head" Parrots?

My Conservative friends believe in the very fiber of their being that GOD is on their side; the side that hates abortion! The side that believes in school prayer and that the "Ten Commandments" should be nailed to every public building in America, if not, the entire Western World. The side that believes that Barack Obama is a Muslim, and, therefore, not a Christian because he was born of a "darky" in Africa and everyone knows that there is "no light in the Dark Continent." (Edison was White, you know).

My Distraught Democrat Friends that are not in jail or are too busy running around looking for work to give a f*&% are selfishly trying to feed their families. Worried about small s*&% - like keeping their homes which are in danger of foreclosure because they shouldn't of had them anyway being unqualified and lying on their loan applications. They are impatient now and upset because they ain't got a f*&k%$g job and if they want ONE - they will have to follow theirs to India, or China or Vietnam and work for $5.00 per day, so that large international Corporation can continue to pay big bonuses to their CEO'S. They, THE LAME DEMOCRATS, that couldn't get a job, if it were not for their corrupt labor unions are, at the moment, too self-centered to take the time to answer my simple, but, important questionaire, so I will answer for them. Nope.

My One Half-Wit Evangelical Tea Banging, Tea Partier Friend (without a slanted forehead) has his head buried in the study of the Constitution of this here Un-Un-United States, so deep, that it is difficult to get an answer from him without first comparing it to the Old Testament and then to Glenn Beck chalk board diagrams, and, generally speaking, he is in such a "religious, political fury" straightening out American and the entire world that I feel guilty to interrupt his concentration to ask a simple honest question without a gun in "me" hand and a bullet proof vest. But, I will because I know that he is a flag waving, gun totting, bible thumping, Constitutional originalist and can't wait until Sarah Palin becomes President, so that we can all shoot each other.

What is important, friends of the vine is: What do you think A*M*E*R*I*C*A? IS JESUS ON YOUR SIDE?

There are two Viners whom I wish to thank publicly.

The backwaters of Kerala would have a spellbinding effect on anyone. Other than that then there are the hill stations and the greenery and if somebody would say Kerala is God’s own country, I wouldn’t beg to differ on that.

Glenn Beck and his Tea Party klan have stated that America must turn back to God, but let's take a close look at what America would be like if we followed his suggestion.

Many of the replies I recieve from those who claim that the author does not know God are quite amusing. Could it be that they might feel this way because they go to church on Sunday while the author does not?

Two previously unknown dinosaur species were discoved by in Utah on Wednesday, one of which, called the Kosmoceratops richardsoni had fifteen horns on its head. The other species, the Utahceratopsgetyi sported only five horns.

Everyone sins-even God. I know what you're thinking! "How in the world can God sin? Our Heavenly Father can't sin!" Ah! But He does-every single day! Did He not tell Peter to kill and eat something which was not kosher in Acts 10:13?

Everyday on the numerous news shows there is a politician, a wanna be politician, a stratigist or someone blaming the "other side" for what ever the political hot potato for the day is. Some of that blame is justified and some of it is bull and most of it is just plain old politics. But unfortunately it is a much more dangerous political game these days. I am just waiting for the riots to start. Christian values? Seriously? Since when is hating thy neighbor a Christian value? When did inciting violence become a Christian value? How did hate and bigotry become acceptable to so many people who call themselves Christians? If you believe in God then do you really think he would agree any of this? I have talked to and heard many people use the bible and quotes from it to try and justify their actions and words so I thought I would try it myself and see if it helps make my point.

" The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy" Psalm 103:8

"A soft answer turneth away wrath:
but grievous words stir up anger."
Proverbs 15:1

"A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension,
but a patient man calms a quarrel."
Proverbs 15:18 "The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger,
And his glory is to overlook a transgression."
Proverbs 19:11 "Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry:
for anger resteth in the bosom of fools"
Ecclesiastes 7:9 "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour,
and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:"
Ephesians 4:31

So I ask once more ...if you consider yourself a Christian do you believe that God would agree with all the hateful words and deeds that are being said and done by people who say they are Christian. Do you believe that He would be out there protesting the community center (that is what it is) in New York? Do you think that He would approve of signs that promote bigotry, of politicians using Christianity as a means to incite fear and anger so that they can get elected, of the threats of violence that comes from bringing guns to public meetings or the killing of doctors and nurses in the name of life? When the killings of innocent American Muslims begin do you think God will say ...."it is the right thing to do"? Do you believe he thinks it is okay to burn down someones house of worship no matter what faith is practised there?

We are being told that we need to return to the "Christian" values that formed our country. Correct me if I am wrong but I always thought that many came here to be free from religious persecution, to be free to practice any religion they wanted, to be free from those who would tell them who to worship or how to live their lives. The far far far right reminds me of the those they sought to escape from. Basically they want to tell me that if I do not believe in the things they do, if I do not agree with everything that they want, if I do not practice their version of Christianity then I am unamerican, a terrorist, a Nazi or worse. They do not want anyone telling them they are wrong, they do not want the government in their lives( except when they need it for such things as money for education, social security, medicare, disaster relief,ect), they use fear to raise the anger level in their followers, and worse yet they use the name of God as if He is the leader of their movement, as if they alone can know what He wants. Glenn Beck is an excellent example. I do not care if he wants to hold a rally. He can have a hundred of them. But do not tell me that God is speaking through him or through anyone who has an agenda other than God's. And please do not try and convince me that God is guiding them down this path that will only divide our country even more than it is. The ones who are leading this only crave money, fame, and power. And among the ones who follow them there may be a few that actually believe, some who are just plain scared of change, and more that just see this as a way to promote their own bigoted ideas and beliefs.

So who will you blame when the signs, the name calling, the hate filled rhetoric, the bigotry, and the fear drive some person to believe that killing a politician,an American Muslim, a protester on the "other" side, their neighbor because they voted for Obama or bombs a Mosque. Who will you blame when our country starts to resemble other ones whose citizens fight each other over whose religion is the true one? And where will it end? With the killing of all the Muslims in America, with the deaths of any non-believer no matter what color they are, with the deportation or worse of all immigrants, with women and girls carrying the babies of rape and incest, with the segregation of schools once more, with militias having the right to shoot on sight, with Christianity as the only religion in our country and what will happen if they decide that Jews, Catholics, Mormons and others do not have the right to practice their religions either?

I believe that we all need a healthy dose of common sense and a history lesson.

What do they have in common?

A couple of decades ago, in the most prosperous state of Brazil, a young man in his early twenties seemed to be doing well (by most standards), with a very bright and promising future. Then he turned his back on everything to follow the path his faith desired. Foolish or wise? Coward or brave?

During the day he worked in the Finance Department of the Brazilian Government, a position which meant good wages, flexible hours, stability and opportunity to progress. At night, from 7 to 10:30pm, he was wrapping up a four-year-long University course on computer studies. Programming main-frame IBM's during the day, and studying in the same field at night, part of him was thoroughly enjoying every minute of it. Pascal, 80-column cards, Dbase, and Fortran seemed like sweet music to his ears.

But part of him was unhappy. Living in one of the five largest cities in the world, surrounded by violence, viciousness and vice, he longed for something more meaningful. Believing in a personal God, and in an eternal future after death, he wanted more time to dedicate to serving this God. Week-ends were all he had at the minute; and it was going to get worse. The hectic pace of life in São Paulo, and the direction in which his career was heading, both were sure signs that the next few years would see him more and more involved in the world of computers.

What had sounded like sweet music, slowly began to be eerily similar to an orphaned sigh; what had seemed like a sweet dream at first, slowly began to exude a bitter perfume. So before death had the opportunity to wake him up to an eternal nightmare, he gave it all up. Moving back to the interior he opened a little shop, married, and threw himself body, soul and spirit into another kind of life. A life where the hours are longer, the stress and demands are greater, the immediate rewards fewer, and yet which has the promise of eternal joy.

Twenty years later, in a contemplative mood late one night, he looked back on the decision of his youth (life-changing, to say the least), and on what he had turned out to be.

He lived in the poorer part of a small town. His earthly possessions were limited to the house where he lived, and a car nearly as old as his memories of São Paulo. As the world (or at least, his neighbours) slept outside, he gazed down on the sleeping form of his darling little girls, sleeping so peacefully (the elder, impetuous and vulnerable like her mother; the middle one, quiet and moody like himself; and the little one, a charming mixture of everything he loved). He looked out the window at the moon, gazing through the leaves of the tree in the garden, reflecting in her smile the peace in his heart. He went back to bed, and cuddled up close to his sleeping wife, who had been with him during all those changes, challenges and tears.

As she murmured in her sleep and returned his embrace, he felt the warmth of her body against his, and thanked God for how rich he had turned out to be.

First of, I am truly intrigued by the history of the Ku Klux Klan and want to learn more and I am seeking to understand it. As a foreigner, what I knew originally about them was that they were a group of white people that believe their race is superior than all others and were mostly against the mix of whites with any other races. Nothing wrong with that. I do not judge anyone’s beliefs…everyone has the right to believe in absolutely anything they want.

Also, it is known to me that they were against foreigners, Blacks, Jews, Gays, etc. I could be wrong...I don’t really know.

I have been living in this country for 8 years now and I have always been very interested in knowing about them and would like to understand what the KKK is about. When you are from another country and do not know America, you hear stories and it's mostly all fictional...like in that movie "An American tail" where Fievel's father thought there were no cats in America and the streets were paved with cheese. The idea I had about the KKK was that they were a really scary group of people here in the US.

Anyway, I did some reading on Wikipedia and this is what it says:

"Ku Klux Klan, often abbreviated KKK and informally known as The Klan, is the name of three distinct past and present right-wing organizations in the United States, which advocates extremist reactionary currents such as white supremacy and nationalism. The current manifestation is splintered into several chapters and is widely considered a hate group."

also,

"Today, a large majority of sources consider the Klan to be a "subversive or terrorist organization".

But then I went on their website and this is what it says:

"Bringing a Message of Hope and Deliverance to White Christian America! A Message of Love NOT Hate!"

I'm not going to lie, I am very confused. The message from the National Director of The Knights, Pastor Thomas Robb, on their homepage seems to be positive and it talks about GOD, love, peace, and the Christian way. However at the same time, the history of the KKK is of violence and hate against blacks, Civil Rights Movement, desegregation, etc. and seems like many members of the group have been convicted of murders or some sort of violence.

How can a group preach peace and love and at the same time live a history of violence?

It's understandable that they do not wish to mix their race with any others, they have that right but I don't understand why of the violence? Is the KKK against the coexistence with those they do not tolerate or accept as equal human beings?

Once again, religion and God intrigue and confuse me. I don’t understand the Christian civilization and the God they talk about. Is it love, peace and acceptance only amongst themselves?

They have their own laws/rules, their own meeting, members/followers...would/could the Klan be a religion?

I am pretty sure that, for obvious reasons, they would never accept me in one of their meetings and I don't know if they would talk to me but I would really love to understand how it all works.

It's two in the morning. A time to eat for some. For me, it's often the time to take an hour-long nap so that I can survive the last four hours of the shift.

An amazing series of interviews edited down to this interview by Kurt Vonnegut

VONNEGUT
I said that only one person on the entire planet benefited from the raid [on Dresden, Germany], which must have cost tens of millions of dollars. The raid didn't shorten the war by half a second, didn't weaken a German defense or attack anywhere, didn't free a single person from a death camp. Only one person benefited—not two or five or ten. Just one.

INTERVIEWER
And who was that?

VONNEGUT
Me. I got three dollars for each person killed. Imagine that.

There are times I wonder how to think about things, so I thought to share this in the spirit of getting another's opinion, that all might learn more.

I often wonder why this existence can't be made perfect.

It depends on what anyone would think could make it perfect.

I personally can't name all I believe could make this a better world, but maybe we can talk about just one subject at a time.

Maybe its because we get distracted by pressing matters that are our priorities at any given moment.

When we forget our distractions we get to experience more of the moment in detail.

But being an article about spirituality and personal gnosis, I like to start with this question: Why would God create an imperfect world?

Or is it that we messed up a good thing and we create own reality one moment at a time?

I think most of our time should be spent by cleaning house, including the basements and attics of our psyche, and not be afraid of our really dark places. Cleaning your own House, whether in a dream or waking life, is always a good thing, (insert sarcasm).

For me, God created an imperfect world with so many contradictions is so that we may piece the puzzle together and learn from the experience.

So, why do you think God made an imperfect world, or all other thoughts?

1. Don't Always Try to Please Others
....Or to be like someone else. It is very considerate when you care about the feelings of others but your needs are just as important. If you neglect yourself when you feel ill and then get worse, how much good are you to your spouse or children then? If you also try to do everything for others all the time, to virtually dictate what they do, or live their lives for them, you will make them dependent upon you, which will be deeply resented the day you cannot continue in like manner.

Worse still, over time you will rob them of their self-respect and keep them as underachievers, incapable of progressing their lives in their own way. It is a desire to control others, and to feel superior in ourselves, that makes us overwhelm them with kindness and pretend they are incapable or that we are indispensable. But ever thought what they would do if you fall ill or dropped dead? At the heart of living by your principles is the ability to say 'NO' which is equally valuable as saying 'YES'.

Additionally, trying to imitate someone else we admire also leads to a lack of self-worth and confidence. You are unique and cannot be anyone else. Learn from others, by all means, but strive for greater development on your terms, no one else's. Being a carbon copy of someone else simply represses your own creativity and talent and makes you feel constantly inadequate. Like a diamond, it is much better to be the genuine article, and flawed, than to be perfect and a pale imitation.

2. Believe in Something
Whether it is religion, atheism, politics or philosophy, beliefs help to mould our principles and determine who we are, where we stand in the world and where we are going. Feel entitled to believe in whatever you like, whether God or little green men, that's your right. As long as you do not impose your beliefs on others, or use them to assess or judge other people negatively. If you believe in nothing you will fall for anything, and people who stay in the middle of the road eventually get run over! Waverers also command little respect because others tend to feel insecure around them. Such people change with the wind and are perceived as untrustworthy. It is the desire to please everyone, as well as to be liked, which robs you of any principles and leaves you pleasing no one in the process. Being yourself means you will always have the courage of your convictions to stand out from the crowd.

3. Accept Personal Balance
There will be certain things at which you are more adept and competent. Equally, there will be areas in which others excel, so it is impossible to expect perfection in every aspect of your life. It is a lack of acknowledgement and respect for the competence of others that makes us feel we have to compete on their terms to feel worthy. That's why many bosses with low confidence often take the credit for the work/achievements of their colleagues. Remind yourself that there is always something you know which every person you meet will not know, while there is always something you won't know on which you will have to be informed. It will stop you feeling that everyone else is 'better' than you in every respect, or that you are smugly superior in any way.

These three simple tips are very important for giving us inner peace and contentment, as well as self-respect, because we won't be living the lives other people dictate for us. We won't be constantly comparing ourselves with others either and will gradually become aware of our own potential and limitations. Above all, we'll have the confidence, courage and conviction to live in our own way, and our own style while being sensitive to the needs of others.

©Elaine Sihera (Ms CYPRAH) 2010
Emotional Health Consultant
"Respect and love begin with the self. If we have none, how can we give away any?"

If I was to believe that God was in any way responsible for the earthquake in Haiti, then I could not continue my own life.

But then there are the thousands of dead and thousands more suffering from a natural disaster and God is in charge of nature isn't he? Well if he is not what about all this talk about a loving and caring God? I hear people say "God is good" and others answering "all the time." What happened there is not good.

Then there's the Bible with the story of Noah. What about the rainbow, the dove, and the olive branch, don't they mean something? God was never to destroy us again, right?

If I was to believe that God was in anyway responsible for the earthquake in Haiti, then I could not continue my life. Yes, that I truly believe and I truly believe in God.

God is that part of my life I have a hard time explaining but I know I cannot live without. I get comfort, guidance, awareness, and peace from God. I do not get control like at the end of a marionette's strings.

God did not place my city safely on a bed of limestone and another on a shaky crack of the earth's crust. We are punished enough when we deny God and lose that comfort, guidance, awareness, and peace which only God can offer.

I live my life with God. God does not live my life. God is in the world around us. God is not the world around us.

9 proofs and a couple of graphs that prove once and for all... lol, you have to see it for yourself, and you better ;)

Ok so many want god taken away from the pledge of allegiance and taken from money. To an Atheist like me, none of that bothers me, I take it as part of history. I do believe that prayer does not belong in school, in fact the whole religion thing should be left for homes and places of worship. Just this Halloween during the festival there were a few students in Madison's class whom did not participate because of their religious beliefs or rather their parents beliefs since they are far to young to understand what religion or why they are the only ones that cannot dress up or enjoy does yummy orange cup cakes. It is commercial holiday nothing more, we all know the origins but now-a-days it is simply for the costume companies and the candy stores.

So god does not belong in government, so does government belong in god/church? If a school is private, catholic and receives no money from the government, should they have to abide by the governments tests, rules, holidays or should they be left alone to do as they see fit.

Malaysian authorities have confiscated more than 15,000 Bibles in recent months because they referred to "God" as "Allah," a translation that has been banned in this Muslim-majority country, Christian church officials said Thursday.

(Updated Oct 5, 2009 4:30 AM GMT+12 )

In the face of the devastation and casualties wrought by typhoon Ondoy (international name: Ketsana), the Catholic Bishops' Conference of the Philippines head Rev. Angel Lagdameo asks whether God is giving the Filipinos 'hints' of the "future and even the coming elections?" He wonders whether there is a connection between all the corruption and lies, the loss of integrity and the mounting "destruction of morality and moral values" under the government of Gloria Arroyo and the natural "calamities occurring in increasing number and intensity."

According to the website of the United States National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA), the typhoon's interaction with the seasonal southwest moonsoon gave a "record 13.43 inches of rain fell in Manila in the six hours between 8 a.m. and 2 p.m. local time, which is equivalent to about a month's worth of rain for the area." The resulting enormous flash floods washed away homes and cars, downed fence walls, stranded people in the streets, drowned others, and sent even city people to rooftops and the desperate crossing the cables of electricity posts for safety. Typhoon Ondoy (Ketsana) left the capital and other parts of Luzon island devastated, with over 300 dead and damages worth P2.75 billion to infrastructure and P6 billion to agriculture.

Why don't the bishops partly take responsibility for the Arroyo evil? After all, the Philippine Catholic Church by and large supported the ouster of former President Joseph Estrada and the para-constitutional installation of the Illegitimate back in early 2001.

What follows is a look back to the eight-year Arroyo-Church relations based on my August 2006 and 2008 archived articles.

Background (Church helps oust Caesar, circa 2001)

Back in early 2001, the Catholic Church was instrumental in the constitutionally anomalous ouster of Joseph Estrada and in Arroyo's succeeding as President. Crucial to the success of the EDSA 2 mob that deposed the hugely-popular-with-the-masses Estrada and installed bogus "President" Arroyo was the support of the Manila portion of the Catholic Church led by then Cardinal Jaime Sin.

Seemingly blinded by Arroyo's facade of Catholic religiosity, then-archbishop of the Archdiocese of Manila committed the seditious sin of going against Caesar by conspiring with then-Vice President Arroyo, former presidents Fidel Ramos and Cory Aquino, Supreme Court Justice Hilario Davide, and certain elite members of business, military, and even the media to grab the presidency using the cloak of "People Power." Cardinal Sin first exhorted Filipino Catholics, including minors from Manila Catholic schools, to rally and pressure Estrada into resigning, and when it became clear that the properly elected President would not give up, to depose him only 2 1/2 years into his term, supposedly on corruption and moral grounds.

August 2006 - The bishops should undo an Arroyo wrong

Data from a top independent survey firm show an alarming trend of double-digit incidence of hunger in over straight years. Corruption in government ballooned to unprecedented levels such that since Arroyo's ascent to power, Transparency International has consistently rated the Philippines with having endemic corruption. Violations of human rights are back to, or worse than Martial Law levels, 25 years ago. The gory deaths of two university coeds add to the hundreds of extra judicial killings recorded in only five years. Amid all these crises, the Filipinos have been waiting for the Church leaders to beckon them to a moral but decisive course of action.

The least the bishops should really do now is to collectively declare support for the impeachment in order to boost its chances of passing through the administration-controlled Congress. The more ideal move, though, would be for the Catholic Church to join in the clamor for Arroyo to step down, as it so loudly and boldly did against then President Joseph Estrada. But as the CBCP, the official organization of Catholic episcopacy, chose to remain lame and tolerant towards a publicly pious regime but which runs the country like hell, any sensible Catholic can't help but question and suspect.

It is perplexing how the wise fathers can continue to believe Arroyo's virtual reality of good governance and moral leadership. Is it that in the Church's calling to influence state policies affecting morals, they have elected to regard the stifling of basic political freedoms as necessary collateral damage? Or is the CBCP simply afraid to admit that the EDSA II Revolt, which deposed her predecessor, was a debacle of grim national proportions? Or are the bishops perhaps amiss with the spirit of humility such that they refuse to atone and undo their Arroyo wrong?

Not since the Spanish colonial era has the Catholic Church in the Philippines enjoyed the kind of influence it wields under Mrs. Arroyo's reign. Is it not enough that the devoutly religious Filipinos have tolerated the blurring of the divide separating the Church and the State? Only a month prior to the impeachment issues, the Church lauded the repeal of the death penalty in an unusually hasty action by Congress. When its leader Rev. Angel Lagdameo restated a few days later that the CBCP will not stand to support another impeachment nor will ask Arroyo to resign, the bishops have invited seemingly valid suspicions that the Church is as power hungry as the President it helped install. It is either that or in the crusade to save the unborn and the capital offenders, the Church in the Philippines blindly refuses to break its pact with the devil.

December 2008 - Flagging Filipino Christian spirit

[In exchange for Catholic prelate support], she practically adopted Church teachings on population planning and even gave in to Church pressures against the death penalty. Despite the backing of the Church however, Arroyo's presidency has been shown in periodic surveys as the most distrusted and disliked, with double figure negative trust ratings and with more than half of the population, the masses in particular, wanting her to either resign or be removed...

An essential element to goodness is to admit to a wrong, no matter how heinous and collective, so that the wrong can be undone. Just recently, Ex-President Aquino recently publicly admitted to her wrongful part in the EDSA 2 uprising, and apologized to the deposed and defamed President Estrada in no uncategorical terms.

The Filipino cardinals and bishops can do no less. Archbishop Oscar Cruz has already written about Arroyo's "consistent high rating in corruption in form of big guile and gross deceit in the management of public funds [and] a continuous low grade of approval in terms of pervasive distrust and enormous dissatisfaction." However, if the local Catholic Church is to regain its moral ascendancy in the Philippines, the CBCP would have to officially admit to their seditious role in EDSA 2 with as much consensus as they wielded in calling for Estrada's resignation and ouster back in 2000-early 2001, and in installing and continuing to support an Arroyo who never had the genuine mandate to serve as president. Next step is to help give back to the Filipinos the right to be governed by the leader they have truly elected and not just any one falsely legitimized by a conspiracy of powerful elites.

Undoing the terrible wrong that is Arroyo is righteous because it is the spiritual and social responsibility of the Church to fight the cloud of evil reigning in the land. It has erred against the people and against the Church when it conspired against a properly elected president. Only by helping ensure righteous and popular governance in the land can there be a chance of regaining the Filipino Christmas spirit that is merry in both righteousness and material grace.

So clear that the Philippine Catholic church is in part responsible for Arroyo's reign of political immorality and disastrous governance. The government they helped install and have supported for so long is so corrupt and mismanaged it couldn't even give the capital region a semblance of decent preparedness for natural disasters. Many have decried that the government was nowhere during the critical hours of the Ondoy flash floods, with its responsibilities taken up largely by private entities and the broadcast media.

Lagdameo concludes the very politically polite CBCP statement with: "Nagtatanong lang kami! We do not have the answer! That is why let us also pray!" The men in robes are unsure of the answers now but they were so sure what to do during the heyday of the anti-Estrada movement. The prelates and nuns should have just confined themselves to praying back in late 2000-January 2001.

Excepts taken from:

Bernardo, Jesusa. Blaring Simbang Gabi sound speakers & the flagging Christmas spirit. Newsvine.com. 22 December 2008. http://jesusabernardo.newsvine.com/_news/2008/12/22/2239353-blaring-simbang-gabi-sound-speakers-and-the-flagging-christmas-spirit

Bernardo, Jesusa. Will the Filipino bishops undo an Arroyo wrong? August 2006. Published at Sobriety for the Philippines Blog 4 May 2007. http://forthephilippines.blogspot.com/2007/05/archived-article-august-2006-will.html

__________

Photo Credits:

BBC.com. Typhoon Ketsana (Ondoy). 30 Sept. 2009. http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/09/typhoon_ketsana_ondoy.html

BBC News. In pictures: Cardinal Sin's life. 21 June 2005. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/4114016.stm

Philippines is in Urgent Need for Help: Typhoon Ondoy Aftermath. http://mhauckonline.blogspot.com/2009/09/philippines-is-in-urgent-need-for-help.html

Slideshow: After 'Ondoy,' Grief. Bulatlat.com. 30 Sept. 2009. http://www.bulatlat.com/main/2009/09/30/slideshow-after-ondoy-grief/

References:

Additional Findings on Corruption-Related Issues (Most/Least Corrupt Philippine Presidents). Pulse Asia Site. 2007. http://pulseasia.com.ph/pulseasia/story.asp?id=632

Lagdameo, Angel. Year 2009, Typhoons: Are they God's Hints?. CBCP Website. 2 October 2009. http://www.cbcpnews.com/?q=node/10691

NASA. Hurricane Season 2009: Typhoon Ketsana (Western Pacific). http://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/hurricanes/archives/2009/h2009_Ketsana.html

"Second Quarter 2008 Social Weather Survey: PGMA's net rating falls to record-low –38." 18 July 2008. Social Weather Stations Site. http://www.sws.org.ph/pr080718.htm

The Most Corrupt President in Philippine History: Table 2. PulseAsia Site. http://pulseasia.com.ph/resources/photos/table2_corruption_0710.gif

2 storms' damage now P8.4B. 5 Oct. 2009. Business Mirror Site. http://businessmirror.com.ph/home/top-news/16918-2-storms-damage-now-p84b.html

UNITAR/UNOSAT. Canadian Space Agency Image processing. Map created 29 Sept. 2009. http://www.disasterscharter.org/image/journal/article.jpg?img_id=56046&t=1254300668961

Related "EDSA 2" series: The Stupidity of the EDSA 2 "People Power" Gullibles Relived The Truth behind the Philippine Presidency and the 2004 Elections The Wiretapped Case of the Bogus Presidency of Philippines' Gloria Arroyo ("Hello Garci" in English) The conspiracy of Edsa 2:  …

"Skepticism is the beginning of true faith."~ Oscar Wilde

Faith:

1. Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.
2. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
3. Loyalty to a person or thing; allegiance: keeping faith with one's supporters.

You see them all the time. They have their crosses, their statues, and their pamphlets. What they are selling is happiness, hope, and eternal life in the hereafter.

Christians, claiming that they have the truth, the light, and the hope for the world. These, so called believers, are ready to hand you a bible, but ask for some advice in some other way, and, quite often, you get disappointed. They will tell you about their religion and why you should believe as they do. Funny thing is, if you tell them you are a believer, half the time they will tell you what is wrong with "Your Faith in G-D."

"In Christianity, neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point."~Friedrich Nietzsche
In this day and age, everyone has a belief, a creed, and an agenda. Can a believer truly be an effective witness with out using obtusive and intrinsic words like grace, faith, holiness, righteousness, and redemption? I am finding that amongst most people, Christians use these words either improperly, or the person who is being witnessed to have no idea about the concepts of these words.

Unfortunately, in this day and age, we are dealing with lots of people who are antagonistic towards Christianity and any other religion that believes in G-D. Can you really blame those whose faith is limited to what they experience?

In the past, "trying to teach G-Dly ways" to children has lead toward bitterness and resentment for the church. The enforcement of faith or belief through physical punishment, is an example of how religion justifies and accepts child abuse. Children who have heard "Spare the rod, spoil the child, and "I am going to beat the truth into you" have grown up into adults believing that there is no G-D, there is no truth, there is not a real church outside of politically motivated groups.

Then you have to consider the actions and attitudes of the adults associated with the "Church." It is a given that most people believe that it is wrong to swindle, rape, or murder. Yet, within the church, these atrocities are hidden "for the sake of the infallible Church!" This attitude is not the worst part of the indoctrination process. Many people claim to believe that the despicable things that happen to people are for the "Greater Glory Of G-D," it is part of G-D's plan for the world or he would not allow it. The problem is that predetermination destroys the concepts of self determination and free will, which G-D has bestowed on every human.

For those of you that think that Rape, Child Molestation, Stealing, and Misrepresentation are all for G-D's greater glory, I have one thing to say. READ YOUR DAMN BIBLE IN ITS ENTIRETY. No where does it say to conduct evil for the good of the Lord. In fact, most of these sins would have gotten you killed, even just 150 years ago. G-D has given man free will. G-D allows man to conduct his life as man sees fit. Just because G-D allows something does not mean G-D condones the action.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."~Mahatma Gandhi

These attitudes I am describing only reinforces my belief that most G-Dly people do not meditate, question, or wrestle with their religion, like they should. G-D has never forbidden the questioning of him. It is by our questions that truly allows G-D to manifest himself.....

Many may memorize holy scripture, however that does not mean they understand the words they are memorizing. Whether it is in prayer, public recitation, or active preaching, the fruits bear witness of their personal beliefs and spiritual life, outside of their religion.

The Bible outlines very specifically what it takes to be a well seasoned believer.

"13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."~Ephesians 6:10-18 NIV

As believers, we must be prepared like soldiers. We must have our armor and weapon ready at all times.

We may be protected by the "Shield of Faith", so that uncertainty and doubt does not pierce our hearts or our souls.

But we must make sure that the "Sword Of The Spirit" is sharp, one edge needs be sharped with the wisdom and knowledge in the Bible, but the other must be sharpened with the real world wisdom and knowledge. To slice through the confusion that many use scientific belief and factual opinion to lead ourselves and others astray.

That the "Belt of the Truth" is tight around our waist, so none might question our honesty and intention.

With in the "Helmet of Salvation and Breastplate of Righteousness " "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you."~Psalm 119:11 We must keep the knowledge of the word in our hearts and our heads. For though a shield is protection, it will not protect from everything. We may get attacked form the sides and behind, from above and below, when we peer from behind to see the field that we are fighting on.

Our feet must be "Shod with the Gospel of Peace." I do not believe that G-D wants extremism and fanatical behaviors exhibited for the rest of the world. By trying to spread his message, we should not attack others beliefs directly, unless being specifically asked from someone seeking our point of view about their belief.

"Of all religions, Christianity is without a doubt the one that should inspire tolerance most, although, up to now, the Christians have been the most intolerant of all men"~Voltaire

We must use Jesus as the example for our lives. Jesus was able to justify every question from within his heart, using Old Testament, and other Apocryphal Hebrew Texts at the time, to answer and confound the Sanhedrin.

I honestly believe that we must all live by faith, but that is only part of the "Armor Of G-D." We must be prepared for any who may be presented before us in search of truth, for their questions and their skepticism.

"Religions die when they are proved to be true. Science is the record of dead religions"~ Oscar Wilde

Some people say that it's Christmas time, time to be good to others, to be generous and forgiving. Well, how about the other 364 days of the year? I think sometimes people only believe in God because they are scared of what their destiny might be when they die!

     I was cruising the McDonald's drive-thru several days ago when I came across a rather familiar man handing me my usual dose of artheromata. His soft features, long brown hair, and incredible handsomeness led me to conclude that this was none other than Jesus Christ. The fact that there was a celestial glow around His personage was probably a pretty good indicator, too.
     "ECCE HOMO! Hey, when does your shift end?" I asked Him.
     He looked at me with what can only be described as disdain. "My shift never ends. I am always watching you."
     "Of course, right... you are—well, You, after all. Are You willing to sit down with me for an extended interview later?"
     "What the Hell is it with you journalists? You just can't cut me a goddamn break. Go away, you're holding up the f**king drive-thru!"
     "Alright, alright, Jesus Chr—I mean, gosh I didn't know You had such a short fuse. Here's my card in case you change your mind."
     "It's Yehoshua, a**hole. If you're going to take my name in vain, at least do it right. Now f**k off."

                                                                           *     *     *

     To his utter displeasure, Mr. Christ found his car tires slashed and the windshield cracked by a sledgehammer several hours later. An overzealous coworker, upset over Jesus' lack of observance for the company dress code, decided the best way to ensure compliance was to destroy the Son of God's car. I received a phone call shortly afterward.
     "Hey there," He said, His voice trembling in the cold. "We may have gotten off on the wrong foot earlier. It has been tough for me lately, what with the recession and all, so I apologize. I was wondering whether I could stay at your place for a couple of hours until I'm expected back at the police precinct. Living out of my car is no longer a viable option."
     "But you're—you're Him" I said in disbelief. "Can't you... umm, create a place to stay? Do you even need shelter? Can't you just call Gabriel or something?"
     "Do you remember my story about the Good Samaritan?"
     "Yes."
     "Do you want to know what happened to the indifferent Levite?"
     I needed no further coercion. I picked Him up outside the local police precinct and brought Him home. After several sips of hot chocolate and a great deal of intermittent awkward silences, I finally decided to break the ice.
     "Look," I blurted, "I know You hate interviews and all that, but at least I didn't ask you to autograph my King James Bible. I'm sure You get that a lot."
     He sighed, glancing at my Feng Shui coffee table with distaste. "Actually, I don't get that all that often. But when I do, I usually refuse to sign—especially the King James ones. Worst translation of Aramaic I have ever seen. You can probably guess where King James and his team of scholars are right now." He lowered His deep brown eyes in complete dejection.
     "That's pretty harsh," I said.
     He set down His cup of hot chocolate. "That was off the record, by the way."
     My spirits immediately lifted. "So this is an interview now?"
     "Sure, whatever you want to call it. Just don't post this on Newsvine. And nothing about my mother."
     "Deal."
     What follows is a transcript of our exchange. It's important to note that whenever He became angry, Jesus started to mouth off in an unrecognizable tongue (probably Aramaic)—or perhaps it was several different tongues. I obviously do not speak the language(s), nor can I translate what was spoken. I have enclosed all of His invective digressions and any other eccentricities in brackets.

Elmo: First and foremost, why are you working at McDonald's?

Jesus: I admit there is little to no opportunity for advancement working in fast food, but I can't help it. Those Big Macs—

Elmo: I know what you mean.

Jesus: Exactly. So I is [sic] overqualified. So what? People should do the things they love... work in the fields they are passionate about. And I'm passionate about fast food.

Elmo: What are you even doing on Earth?

Jesus: The recent bombings in Mumbai. Death kept texting me to come help him deliver the souls. I know—it's pretty macabre. I don't know how he can handle the emotional repercussions of that job. In fact, I think he enjoys it too much. His sangfroid demeanor... the way his face lights up every time you mention mass murder... it even puzzles me. Then again, I guess he was created for it. Sometimes, though, I find myself wondering whether Father created a borderline sadist. Anyway, I figured that since A.) I am in arrears with child support here and B.) I have plenty of paternity lawsuits to settle on this world, I might as well pay an extended visit.

Elmo: Wait, wait, wait: on this world? Are you saying there are other worlds?

Jesus: I don't know why the Hell you humans struggle with that fact. Your race's egotism sometimes makes me want to subscribe to Lucifer's "Journal of Misanthropy". Subscriptions are actually at a record high now. My Father regrets his decision to create you people sometimes. [Spews invectives in an unrecognizable tongue] Not that it matters. Would you believe me if I told you that He has created more worlds, multiuniverses, and sentient beings than even your concept of infinity can grasp?

Elmo: No. Well, I guess now that it's coming from You—

Jesus: [more unintelligible verbal abuse] Like I said, it doesn't matter anyway.

Elmo: When was the last time you were physically on Earth?

Jesus: September 11th, 2001. The angels kept sending me reports about some [unrecognizable expletives] morons who thought that my Father would sanction their flying planes into two buildings full of civilians. I have never seen Muhammad so pissed. He went completely berserk, and we ended up having to sedate him. You can probably guess where those @!$%#s are right now.

Elmo: So none of their expected rewards in the afterlife?

Jesus: Do you really think that those of us up there are all as stupid as the terrorists?

Elmo: No. Well... I don't know. Sometimes your Father's devoted followers are so out of tou—

Jesus: [exotic invective] NO! NO F**KING REWAR—

Elmo: Alright, alright. Of course. Sorry. How did you spend your time when you were last here?

Jesus: Well, I thought physically being on Earth was a wonderful opportunity for me to meet the bright young angels who were completing the last part of their Human Relations majors. I'm something of a celebrity, in case you haven't noticed. So I basically just lectured for a couple of months, and they flocked to come hear me speak.

Elmo: Can you briefly summarize some of these lectures?

Jesus: Well... let me see. There was one lecture I delivered in Jerusalem where I talked about the warped ways in which human beings react to disasters.

Elmo: What do you mean?

Jesus: Well, I described how reactions to September 11th compared across your planet. Some people celebrated. Others wept. Some found plenty of political and financial opportunities. I read the minds of all of the investors on Wall Street. The basic consensus there was: "Hmm... I wonder how this affects ETFs?" They never articulated this out loud, but I'm Jesus H. Christ. I didn't need them to say it to know what was on their minds. The general sentiment of investors on Wall Street now, of course, is "What is the cheapest way to kill myself?" It started with the mortgage crisis.

Elmo: Jesus H. Christ?

Jesus: Horatio.

Elmo: What? No... that's not your middle name. Is it? I didn't even know you had one.

Jesus: I adopted it. It's my official "Western" name. I really like Horatio Sanz. Have you seen him do Ron Jeremy? The guy's great.

Elmo: Yeah... yeah, he's alright.

Jesus: Definitely going to Heaven, that guy.

Elmo: Really? Okay.... Anyway, what brings you to Atlanta, specifically?

Jesus: I heard Howard Zinn, Danny Glover, and others were making an appearance at the Woodruff Arts Center. I couldn't miss it. I kept raising my hand during the Q&A; panel session after their human rights documentary screening, but they kept ignoring me. I'm [unrecognizable expletives] Jesus H. Christ, for crying out loud! I can't believe they didn't take my question. Seriously, if you saw a man with long brown hair, a white toga, and an eerie glow waving his hand frantically in the audience, wouldn't you stop and think "Hey, that guy kind of looks like the Son of God... maybe I should take His question?"

Elmo: Naturally. For the record, what exactly was your question?

Jesus: I was wondering what each of them thought was the most pressing human rights issue on Earth today.

Elmo: Couldn't you have just read their minds on the matter?

Jesus: Obviously my intention was for them to illuminate the audience. Why the Hell would I even ask the question otherwise?

Elmo: Right. Dumb question. What do you personally feel is the most pressing human rights issue on our planet?

Jesus: Malnutrition. Look: I know you guys think there is no such thing as a free lunch and all that bulls**t, but you're living in the 21st century. The Martians have already made starvation and famine a thing of the past. Even Mephistopheles keeps Hell's inhabitants pretty well-fed. Sure, he's usually forcing people to drink boiling pitch, but that's something with which they learn to live. They can't die when they're in Hell. Human children, on the other hand, can't cope with being malnourished. They die.

Elmo: Why won't either you or your Father feed our hungry?

Jesus: Because you are all perfectly capable of doing it yourselves. You just won't. Learn some self-reliance, for the love of my Father.

Elmo: Fair enough. What do you think about the recent election here?

Jesus: That [incoherent mumbling] rat bastard needs to come home.

Elmo: What? Who?

Jesus: Obama.

Elmo: Wait... come home where?

Jesus: Don't tell me you're clueless. It's pretty obvious.

Elmo: What is?

Jesus: Obama is a rogue incubus. There are extradition papers and an arrest warrant out for him, signed and dated by Enoch. Dereliction of duty.

Elmo: ...

Jesus: Incubi are given explicit warnings not to cross over into reality. Satan was pretty pissed about it. Obama was supposedly one of the best.

Elmo: ...

Jesus: Don't look so dumbfounded. You had to have known there was something funny going on. An American president could never be that good-looking.

Elmo: J.F.K—

Jesus: Also an incubus.

Elmo: Wow. That's pretty explosive information.

Jesus: Yeah, tell me about it. Hillary found out about it the hard way—HAH! That's what she said.

Elmo: Hillary? You mean Hillary Clinton?

Jesus: Yeah. Obama entered her dreams during the primaries. It was a pretty feisty sex fantasy. Gabriel and I had it TiVoed. We opened a bag of popcorn and watched it unfold. It pretty much amounts to hardcore porno.

Elmo: Wow—

Jesus: Yeah. Bill wasn't giving her any.

Elmo: I bet.

Jesus: That's how that little [expletives] got Secretary of State.

Elmo: What?

Jesus: She threatened to blow the whistle on Obama. He was so distraught that he promised her a position in his cabinet. Didn't you see how stressed out he was during the presidential acceptance speech?

Elmo: Yeah. It was visible on his face.

Jesus: Exactly.

Elmo: Kind of a stupid threat, though—I mean, she would have been laughed off the limelight if she came through with it.

Jesus: It's incredible how many of you Americans were actually willing to believe her. The negative rhetoric surrounding Obama used to be "subject verb socialist" or "subject verb Muslim." I mean s**t, some of you still believe in intelligent design.

Elmo: Wait, wait, wait... is the Jesus H. Christ really saying that intelligent design is a flawed concept for the origins of life?

Jesus: It's quite possibly the stupidest, most [unknown expletives] theory I have ever heard. You conflate religion and science, and you get theories straight out of the toilet seat like intelligent design. Theories like that, well... they're just verisimilitudinous. It's very easy to dupe a lot of humans into believing things like that.

Elmo: Okay, so intelligent design... now thoroughly discredited by the Son of God. What about Darwin?

Jesus: He's damn ugly.

Elmo: No, no—I mean, what do you think about evolution and natural selection?

Jesus: I believe it. I can't say the same thing for everyone else up there.

Elmo: What do you mean?

Jesus: When I asked Him, my Father said he created everything—i.e., to quote Douglas Adams, "Life, the Universe, and Everything"— in seven days, so He sticks to the dogmatic line. That was all He said. But "seven days" for God is not the same thing as 168 hours for mankind. Time is very relative up there. It could mean that the entire span of your universe's existence translates into seven celestial days, which offers the possibility that creation is an ongoing process that still hasn't ended and God has foreseen its end and measured it to be His "seven" days (he is prescient, after all). So evolution is still conceivable. It means "creation" and "evolution" are possibly synonymous, if you interpret creation as ongoing. If you interpret it differently, perhaps evolution has already ended, or it could mean that evolution and creation are separate and mutually exclusive, or it could mean evolution is going to end sometime in the future. In essence, it means anything, because God operates outside the framework of time. He is not bound by it, so who the Hell knows what He means when He says "seven days?" Sure, He speaks in tenses in Genesis, but it's usually tentative. When He talks about things happening now—well, they may have already happened; and things that happened in the past could still be happening. "Creation" could mean 168 hours or 13.8 billion years. It could be a thing of the past, something that is still happening, or even an action that might occur in the future. For all you know, your universe could have been created when God flicked a breadcrumb off his shoulder. It might have been completely unintentional, like Adolf Hitler and the platypus. The ambiguity isn't worth the controversy. Why the Hell even bother?

Elmo: So can I get it on the record that Jesus fully endorses in evolution?

Jesus: Sure, whatever. I mean, it's the best humankind has got, unlike intelligent design. Intelligent design grossly overestimates God's creative power. It imputes an incorrect and inaccurate level of importance to this planet and this universe. Everything is not so complex that God must have had a hand in it. Then again, I guess complexity is a relative term. Human beings do not have the power to create. Yet. So most things appear complex to humans. Most organisms on this Earth are accidental, though. I've had plenty of arguments with intelligent design nuts like Moses and Abraham over this point. There's a gag order on Adam and Eve, so they can neither confirm nor deny anything we say lest Satan feeds them boiling pitch for eternity. I don't see the Martians offering any better theories, but they don't care about that kind of thing. Humans love to look backwards and mathematize everything.

Elmo: Yes. Yes we do.... Anyway, back to Obama: what do I get if I turn him in?

Jesus: A free passage into Heaven.

Elmo: Wouldn't that amount to an indulgence?

Jesus: What the Hell is an indulgence?

Elmo: You know... paying-your-way-in kind of thing. Except it's now more like bounty hunting for a spot in Heaven.

Jesus: So?

Elmo: So... were you not around for the Protestant Reformation or something?

Jesus: Protestant what?

Elmo: Wow... that's just... wow. Nevermind. Do you want me to nab him during inauguration?

Jesus: We really don't need any extra help, but hey—if you want to have a go, I'm not stopping you. Just know that the Secret Service will probably turn you into dust before you even get to try anything.

Elmo: Eh, I wasn't really that intent on doing it. I was just wondering how my grades are... if you're allowed to disclose that kind of thing.

Jesus: If I told you where you are going to go after you die before you even die, I would have to kill you.

Elmo: Makes sense. Are you guys planning to extradite him during inauguration? Because if that's the case, you could probably also stop Rick Warren from doing his part in the cerem—

Jesus: [scoffs] HAH! Read my lips: Ho. Mo. Look under his mattress. "Playgirl" magazines everywhere.

Elmo: What—noo. Seriously?

Jesus: Oh yeah. Raunchy stuff. Especially the promo videos.

Elmo: What will it take to make him come out?

Jesus: Come out of what?

Elmo: The closet... you know, the proverbial one.

Jesus: Oh... the closet. You know, I don't know. Sodium pentothal. Lots of it, probably. Rick Warren is full of surprises. He won't disappoint... with the right dosage.

Elmo: What do you think about the "no homosexuals" policy of his Saddleback Church?

Jesus: Before you even ask that question, let's talk about another one: Why in my Father's name would any sane human want to join that congregation anyway? It's got nothing to do with God. It's all about Rick Warren. A cult of personality, if you will.

Elmo: I figured as much.

Jesus: Yeah... the little whiny [something that sounds like "son-of-a-bitch"] is always trying to sell himself one way or another. But like I said: check under his bed. Tell all your gay friends: he's about as flamboyant as George Michael.

Elmo: Will do.

Jesus: Good. He needs a PR catastrophe, that guy.

Elmo: Do you think homosexuality is morally reprehensible?

Jesus: I frankly don't give a s**t. Love is love is love. I mean, have you seen my crowd? Lepers, prostitutes—all of society's undesirables. You think I give a s**t if a man wants to love a man? I lived in the Roman Empire, for f**k's sake. It's not like everyone was straight. It's true what they say, you know: sometimes the most disgusting, inflammatory homophobes are the ones who have something to hide. I hope Fred Phelps, Pat Robertson, Rick Warren, and all those other self-righteous bastards can now finally come to grips with their own homosexual desires after reading this.

Elmo: I don't think Pat Robertson can read.

Jesus: That's a shame.

Elmo: Back to the election. Was Obama a good choice?

Jesus: I think Obama is a good incubus, but as the President, he's going to have to deal with people like Rahm Emanuel and Hillary Clinton—not exactly a recipe for a successful presidency. And these are people he selected himself. But his election was still much better than the alternative. That Palin woman scares the s**t out of me. I'm serious. I do not know how that—that thing—was authorized to come out of a birth canal. Whoever was her mother's attendant angel the day she was born... well, that angel needs to be punished. Severely. Must have been on LSD or something. Either way, Obama will probably evade capture at his inauguration. Once the statute of limitations on dereliction of duty runs out, he'll be humanity's problem. And it runs out two days after inauguration.

Elmo: Wow. So we're probably stuck with an incubus as leader of the free world?

Jesus: Were Kennedy and Reagan so bad?

Elmo: I guess they—REAGAN?

Jesus: That last part was a joke.

Elmo: Oh man, now I can't get the picture of a Reagan sex dream out of my head. Urgh... that's awful.

Jesus: It never bothered Nancy.... [Looks at his watch and cusses in an unrecognizable tongue] Oh s**t, it's getting late. I have to go pick that vandal out of a lineup at the police station. I know for a fact the guy was white, which is what I told the cops when I gave my statement, but $100 says the entire lineup consists of minorities. That's how the police operate in Georgia.

Elmo: Yeah, tell me about it. I've had a couple of run-ins myself.

Jesus: Really?

Elmo: No. Funny story, though: I was at an ATM at night once trying to deposit fundraising money into my bank account... you know, so I could donate it for an online charity. I had a baseball bat with me because my mom recently got robbed. It was a lot of money, so naturally I was a little paranoid. I was with my girlfriend, and she's white. Some @!$%# saw us and assumed I was holding her up with a baseball bat at the ATM. He called the cops.

Jesus: Wait, wait, wait... can you really blame him? I mean, I might have called them, too. From what you're telling me, it could have looked pretty suspicious.

Elmo: I think my girlfriend and I were being pretty affectionate with each other, so it was still pretty damn stupid to call. I don't know—I don't remember. But the cop took down my name, phone number and address. Said something about a record and further investigation, blah blah blah. I don't know if it's on my record or not. Probably not.

Jesus: I can get that removed if it is.

Elmo: That would be great. OH! I almost forgot. One last question.... To be honest, I've been meaning to ask this question since I saw you at the McDonald's.

Jesus: Shoot.

Elmo: It's a question that needs a credible, honest answer, and you're probably the best source on the whole topic. The recent Israeli incursion into Gaz—

Jesus: Oh God. Don't tell me you want to know the solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict?

Elmo: No... well, yes. I think solving that issue solves a lot of other problems in our world, too.

Jesus: It's a simple question, and I suppose it has a simple answer.

Elmo: And that is?

Jesus: Do you remember my parable about the Good Samaritan?

Elmo: ... Yeah.

Jesus: Think about it. Who qualifies as your neighbour?

And with that, the Son of God vanished.

                                                                           *     *     *

As I approached the McDonald's drive-thru window for my usual addiction a week later, I noticed a new employee.
     "Hey there! Do you know a co-worker going by the name of Jesus H. Christ?"
     "You mean Horatio? Yeah, he got fired recently."
     "Really? Do you know what for?"
     The young employee grew testy as he glanced at the long line. "How the Hell am I supposed to know? They said he was overqualified or something."
     "Do you know where I can contact Him?"
     He began to sweat profusely. "Are you a cop?"
     "No...."
     "Is your name Elmo?"
     "Yes."
     "Good. Come inside in about half an hour when my shift ends. We'll talk."
     I waited the half hour in a corner next to a cardboard cutout of Ronald McDonald. The new employee approached me on time. He was exhausted and emanated a BigMac aroma.
     "I lied earlier," he said. "Horatio's a friend of mine. The cops couldn't find the man who vandalized his car, though we all knew it was Denny. They could have just looked at the broken glass all over his work uniform. Anyway, Denny wasn't in the lineup, so Horatio threw a fit and smashed in the nearest police cruiser's windows on his way out. They caught him on camera, so he's on the run."
     "Do you know where he might be?"
     "He was vague. Something about 'going up,' whatever that's supposed to mean. He can get pretty esoteric sometimes."
     "I bet."
     "He left you this." The young employee proceeded to hand me a red envelope.
     I hesitated. "What is it?"
     "I dunno."
     "Is it safe to open?"
     "We didn't get into the details. That's all he asked me to do. I'll see you around."
     The young employee rose from his chair and walked across the street to the nearest Starbucks, leaving the ominous envelope on the table. I shook it and pressed my ear against it, dreading the sound of a tick, tock. I heard nothing. I carefully opened it, cautiously glancing around me to make sure no one else was looking. Expecting to be lavished with a celestial gift, I was disappointed to find $2.50 and a note that said:

For the hot chocolate packets... ;-)

I stared at the writing. I didn't anticipate a note from the Son of God to be so colloquial.

But then I recalled that sometimes—as a messiah once told me—we humans have a tendency to overestimate the Divine.

Neale Donald Walsch, best-selling author of "Conversations with God," said that he unwittingly passed off another writer's Christmas anecdote as his own in a recent blog post.

Why is the sky blue, asked a small child. I don't know, I said, it just is. I should have said, because God knew it was your favorite color.

I was driving to work this morning, mindlessly flipping radio stations when I accidentally hit the AM button. Suddenly I found myself listening to a minister broadcasting a sermon about gratitude.

The following is an e-mail that I received this morning and thinking it so appropriate to "bless my computer" as well as all my friends decided I wanted to share it. Not knowing any other way to get it from my email to here, I tried doing a copy/paste. In the process I lost the picture that was with it. Then ended up typing it in anyway in an effort to hold the poetry format. I hope I don't get in trouble for "plagiarism". But what's really cool is there really is a www.God.com if you want to type it in and check it out. (Scott this one's especially for you!)

Dear Lord,

Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head:

God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don't mind me asking
Please bless my computer too.

Now I know that it's unusual
To bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where I live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you.
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.

Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail in-box
And each person who hits 'send'.

When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD--Rom,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to God.com

Amen

Two new Bibles targeting a young, hip — even secular — audience are hitting bookstores. One is a slick, illustrated version of the New Testament; the other is an environmentally friendly edition that takes advantage of the popularity of the green movement.

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Vote for who you think is the better Christian. The nice guy next door who praises the Lord and respects other people's beliefs or the political Evangelical who does everything in his power to spread the word and laws of his belief into all corners of society?

Sometimes I anger myself because I can read something a hundred times and still not be able to really feel that I understand what I have read. I finally realized that the harder I try to grasp a concept, the more elusive it becomes.

There was an article that I found recently concerning how some hunting organization, hunting and gun lobbies, and individuals were waving the American Flag and thumping Bibles to support their unholy selfish and inhuman cause.

Look out, world! God has a blog!!

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

In this, my first entry, I, The Almighty Lord your God, Awesome and Perfect Creator of the Universe, wish to focus my anger on desperate losers who beg me for help (only, of course, long after they have messed up their pitiful lives good and proper.)

You see, every soul I put into this world is given an equal chance at success and wonderment. Whether I place you into a wealthy family, the son of football legend John Elway, or whether I make you the 8-legged mutant child of a diseased prostitute in Calcutta, I have given you life and free will - the freedom to choose your own fate. This freedom is a generous gift – a gift that I constantly see being squandered!

Let's say I place a human baby into a decent family in the United States. By virtue of geography alone, this person has been given more of a chance at a happy life than 99% of the world. And yet I receive more idiotic complaints and 'prayers' from the USA than from all other countries in the world combined!

Full list, here.

Yeah, Yeah I know you have been to Interviews, this is diffrent

Just in case your thought the morally deranged, criminally insane doctors were only in the movies, think again. Britain has made it legal to combine Humans and Animals.

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting,
"What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop...."

With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother," he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you and May God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!"

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.

Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring. He sends you a sunrise every morning. Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

Share this thought with every "beautiful person" you know. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain. But He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. Read this line very slowly. Let it sink in....

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

I have recently been called a dirty atheist, a faithless heathen and a secular humanist. As for the first charge, I am quite cleanly. As for the third, I am guilty as charged. The second charge came with the challenge that if I just talk to God, I'd "see the light." So, challenge accepted. Here goes:

Me: So God, let's start off with an icebreaker, lately I've been hearing lots of hubbub about this whole Armageddon party you've got planned. Some people say it will be triggered by the conflict in the middle east, specifically, in Jerusalem, causing the third temple to be erected and bringing an end to the world as we know it. Others say that the second coming (or first coming of the messiah, for those of Jewish faith) will usher a man made apocalyptic disaster. Others, yet still, say that regardless of how it manifest, the end of the world will happen because the Bible says so . . . of course, this particular argument gets people like me all flustered, because all things end, so this seems like stating the obvious, regardless of what the Bible says. Could you speak to this issue?

God: . . .

Me: Okay, let's try an easier one. This whole concept of heaven seems really ambiguous to me. There are sects here on earth that swear to you that they are correct when they say: that there are a limited number of souls that you have predetermined will spend a blissful eternity in your domain, or everyone has a chance to lounge with the angels if they repent their sins, or only the followers of a certain faith will get in. I'm not sold on the concept, at all, but I would be grateful if you could clear up this controversy.

God: . . .

Me: Um, well, okay. Let's try one last question. Have you been offended lately that so many people have taken up worshiping material wealth, cosmetic surgery, fast food, sports teams and cults--like the Gaithers--rather that you directly. I have no doubt that many of these people believe they see you in these things, but does it seem to you that the sincerity just isn't there anymore. I don't personally worship anything, so I ask purely from an outsider's perspective. Is the aforementioned behavior acceptable to you?

God: . . .

Me: Well, thank you, God, for doing this interview. I will include my follow up notes below. Feel free to proof them for errors.

Notes: I have done my best to record all comments faithfully. After the interview, I took time to reflect. My original belief before coming into this encounter was that my job on this planet was to enjoy life, help others around me enjoy life and cause as little suffering as possible to anyone or anything in my time here. Those views haven't changed, I need no promise of reward to hold them. However, I did learn something, when asking "God" those really tough questions: whether you believe in the divine or not, all of the issues I sought to address were created by people. Therefore, my problem is not with the thought of people believing in a god, faith is like a powerful antidepressant, and on an individual basis, I'm sure it does a lot of good in the world, but like any other drug, people get together and abuse it. My trouble is with the faithful who o.d. and shoot up the neighborhood or slaughter "rival" gangs. Peace is peace. I'm all for it. If the faithful find peace in their faith, that is beautiful--if not, if they seek violence or to cause the suffering of others (mental or otherwise), that is where my problems begin and end. . . with the faithful, not their faiths.