With the United States suffering from energy shortages, as brownouts roll across the country, the Tea Party has set its sights on a promising new alternative energy solution: the Teapower Reactor.  The current design calls for Ed Shultz and Rush Limbaugh to sit in a glass tank together and yell at each other.  Eventually, enough steam and pressure builds up in the tank that it turns a motor on an electric generator. 

"The reactor requires very little fuel to get started," said one engineer.   "We just read the latest tweet from Sarah Palin to them and they go at it for hours."  The Teapower reactor is available in Washington, DC and is presently used for powering the debt clock, the Politico.com web servers, and CSPAN Channel 3. 

When Homer Jackson hung the I DUNNO sign in the window of his diner, Homer’s Haven, he never thought it would spark a nationwide movement in support of ignorance.  “All I was trying to do,” he says, “is to get people to stop asking me what I thought.  Truth is, I don’t think much about anything.  Long as business is okay and I have some free time to hang out with the guys, I don’t much care about anything else.  Why should I waste my friggin’ time trying to learn about all that other stuff people are always squawking about?  I don’t know and I don’t care.”  But Mr. Jackson’s small protest struck a chord with many of his customers.  Business at Homer’s Haven doubled within a few months and before long, he found himself selling I DUNNO buttons and bumper stickers along with plain old food.  Pictures of his sign hit the web and went viral.  A movement was born.

In the last six months, I DUNNO has become a rallying cry around the nation.  A national rally in support of ignorance is scheduled to take place here in Washington on Saturday.  The presence of on-air personalities from all the major news networks is a testament to the strength and momentum this movement has gained in recent months.  This writer has had a chance to interview a few of those gathering to attend the upcoming rally. 

Jack and Jill are an engaged couple from Kansas who arrived here this morning.  “I used to call myself a conservative Republican,” says Jack.  “Not because I really knew what that meant but mostly because my family is all Republican.  I would throw words like LIEberal and lefty into my conversations with other people so they would think I knew something, that I had an opinion.  But I really had no clue.  I DUNNO has allowed me to stop pretending that I care about all that crap.”  “Yeah,” chimes in Jill.  “Same for me except that I called myself a liberal Democrat and used words like Rethug and fascist.  It’s such a relief to stop thinking.  Jack and I would never have talked to each other before I DUNNO came along.  Now we’re engaged and committed to raising our future children to ignore all that nonsense.  Work only as much as you have to and spend the money.  That’s what we believe.”

Ashley is a single young woman from New York who came here to support frivolity.  “I used to feel so guilty,” she says.  “I would go out to the clubs and party and people would ask me why I wasn’t doing something more useful.  Same with shopping.  I mean, Paris Hilton is my idol, ya know, but mean people tried to make me feel bad about that.  They’d say I should care more.  About what?  I didn’t get it.  Now I can just point to my I DUNNO button and tell them to leave me alone.  Love you, Paris!”

Nate is a former voter from California who is now staunch in his support of apathy.  “All my life,” he says, “I had people telling me how important it was to vote.  Do you know how much work you have to do to know anything about the junk on the ballot?  I used to stand there and stare at it and then start checking boxes at random.  I didn’t know who or what to vote for.  Because of I DUNNO, I can give up voting and remove that stress from my life.  It’s wonderful.”

Though the formal I DUNNO rally will not take place until Saturday, groups of people have been gathering here every day.  The stories from these I DUNNO supporters are all similar: stop trying to learn about complicated issues and concentrate on having fun.  Knowledge, it seems, has become archaic.  As I look around me, I’m awed by the intensity of commitment to this movement.  It remains to be seen how much of an impact I DUNNO will have on the political process in America and what it will mean for the future but the man who started it all isn’t concerned.  “If people are honest,” says Homer, “most of ‘em will admit they never knew anything in the first place.  So why pretend?  Some people will get by and some won’t.  That’s how it’s always been.  Knowing stuff won’t change a damn thing.” 

©2011 HollyKL. All rights reserved.

This is satire, folks!

How can we forget one of the greatest moments in human existence?

The day Lance Armstrong rode his Apollo 11 bike straight to The Moon,  I believe it was a Wednesday.  The French said there was no way (because they are French) & the Russians were in fact rushing to get to the moon (that is how they got the name of their country).  He was determined to win The Space Race for his home country.
NASA believed he was the best man for the job. Most speculated it was because Lance was the only one with a ten speed at the time.  It was a rough three day race to get to the moon.  The winner would be shown by planting their nation's flag into the surface of The Moon.

After a grueling uphill ride for three days at roughly 90*, Lance defeated Europe & they were shunned off the planet for their lack of pacing & cardio.  When Lance landed in the sea of tranquility, he hopped off his bike saying - "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."  After a moment of observation he looked around & wondered why people were racing to somewhere so dark & dusty.  He could have gone to a Seattle beach for this.  

The transcript of his call to NASA when he landed on the moon:

Operator to NASA: A Collect call from "...LANCE..."
NASA: *sigh* We accept.
Lance:  Hey guys.  We won!
NASA:  Great job!  But did you have to call collect?
Lance:  Yeah, I'm not paying for a call from THE MOON. You crazy?
NASA:  I just wish you had told us BEFORE you went there.
Lance: Listen, I thought it would be expected.  I did the hard work at least you could pick up the tab.
NASA:  F-fine.  Whatever. Just get to it, what's it like up there?
Lance:  Frigid & lifeless.  Much like my ex wife.
NASA: ....
Lance:  It's a joke.
NASA:  Just not a funny one.
Lance:  Listen I'm tired.  It's covered in rocks & sand & nothingness. 
NASA:  How is something covered in nothing?
Lance:  ANYWAY. We won & I'm heading back now.
NASA:  Lance.
Lance:  Hmm?
NASA: Could you bring back some rocks?
Lance:  Really?
NASA:  Yeah.
Lance: ..We have those on Earth.  If you wanted a rock, I could have just got out outside of the NASA building.  Fine.  I'm heading back now with your precious moon rocks.
NASA:  K. See ya soon.

ANIMAL WATCHDOG ADVISORY: New Reports published Wednesday have shown that Penguins are increasingly turning to drug use in the past few years, and that 1 in 7 Penguins is now a cocaine addict.

Scientists are still unsure as to why Penguin Cocaine usage is on the rise. According to one source, the reason behind the drug addiction may be a little known phenomenon known as "wing envy":

Many believe that the deterioration of peguin wings into flippers has led to a species wide phenomenon known as "wing-envy". Cocaine may be used to alleviate the emotional pain associated with wing-envy or, alternatively, may provide some birds with the temporary illusion of flight. (HK)

According to a similar report, the rise in cocaine usage may be resulting from a declining marijuana usage among the residing populations in Antarctica. Marijuana, also known as a "gateway drug", was introduced to the populations in the late 1960's and has seen its popularity rise in the past few decades, particularly within the Emperor Penguins. The necessity for the younger populations to gain an even greater "fix" may be resulting in the rise of a hardcore drug. In fact, Marijuana imports in Antarctica have been declining since 2002, and in 2009, Cocaine imports surpassed Marijuana.

Geologists are frantically searching for an answer as well, and believe that the climate and location of the South Pole may be playing a factor on the drug usage.

Given the penguins geographical location, with essentially unfetterd routes of access and egress to and from South America, it has become well know within the penguin communities near the Antarctic coast that cocaine can be brought to the continent easily, and with very little risk of interventon by law enforcement. (BJ)

It has been found that cocaine usage by penquins during the coldest months of the winter increases heart rate and body temperture. One penquin, a King Penquin of course, said "hey, you want us to all freeze to death here." The other penquins tittered and waddled away very quickly from this reporter. It was also reported that hiding the cocaine is easier during a snow storm. (VD)

Early signs of the increased usage can be traced to the Hollywood Documentary of Penguins known as "Happy Feet". Experts have been searching for the source of the Penguin's sudden ability to dance uncontrollably. In fact, the drug usage has led to some other extreme behaviors, such as this. 

Scientists are now examining the youngest Penguin generation in an attempt to spot warning signs of a different drug, but so far, aside from a small fringe addicted to heroin, there appears to be nothing. Experts are still conducting tests to see what may have been the initial cause.

UPDATE: It appears that already addicted Penguins gain a craving for Cocaine or other hard drugs from the sound of Morgan Freeman's voice. Scientists still do not know if non addicts gain the same craving as tests were inconclusive. Voices of other celebrities did not appear to have the same effect, except for Christina Aguilera's, which, when played to groups of penguins, caused them to commit mass suicide.

This article is presented to you by the members of Newsvine Collaborative and whoever commented on this article!

My knees are knocking

teeth set tight

am I ready for the crocking

or the de-frocking

 this Saturday  Night?

"Ah-AH-AH-AH  Stayin' ALIVVEEEEEE!"

I know I ain't gettin' raptured up on this Potential Deadly Saturday. "PDSS-Potential Deadly Saturday Syndrome got me, what ever is really goin' to happen", I know I am stuck here with all the rest of you sucky, sinning, stuck 'stickers'. Howdy fellow sinners, we be legion! But everyone is talking about getting ready and this dog just can't sit back and watch without putting two pennies on the dead guys eyes also, so here be my thoughts on this comin' unusual Saturday. R U READY!

1. What ever you wanted to do but have never got the nerve to do, JUST DO IT ON FRIDAY. They can complain about what you did on Saturday but they better hurry and then your off the hook.

2. Locked and loaded on Friday and make a large thermos of coffee for when the lights go out. Get all your drugs, food and supplies by Friday morning, and when you go to work, check out what will be worth anything after the rapture and take it home, Hell you know your Boss is going to get 'upped there' but not you.

3. Learn to eat people. Nuff said.

4. Although you may be a soldier of the anti-christ or a fighter against that cause, always wear clean underwear with your name stenciled on the waist band, sort of a rapture dog tag.

5. Where there are rats, there will be people, where ever there are rats there is food. people and rats use each other. Nuff said.

6. Which side should you join? Perhaps it will be a matter of faith and circumstance. I aint' sayin' more on this one.

7. Do you think we could eliminate all politicians before we start the war? I mean a bloody party before war should be something we 'stuck stickers' all can agree with since we are all nothing more than the left overs of society. (oh, that bloody part was just my bit of British humor - "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS", and my French bit also).

8. Anything can be a weapon, food can be a weapon but don't waste it unless someone needs to make you their food and then kill them with the food and then you will have more.

9. Procreate more often. Nuff said.

10. Always cover your ass, have some kind of individual job, craft or art to make yourself more important to the tribe, they wiil eat you last.

11. Trust your Mom, your dog, your girl or fellow and your spouse, but when you are with the kids, always have back up, they get hungry real quick. Oh, and remember you can always follow #9 if they get out of line and you have to eat them.

12. Always keep a pack of tums and breath mints in your pocket.

13. One last thing, you are still alive  SO LIVE!

Oh yeah, if you see me eating something, walk away and wait till I'm done.

January 2011

"Missed the New Years party in the Capitol, nobody wants to talk to me lately, I found some firecrakers and scared the kids and cmales with them, it made me laugh a little."

January 2nd

"Woke up with a hangover, felt like camels marched on my tounge all night and the camels were looking funny at me all day, my head hurt so much I couldn't shoot a gun all week."

January 13th

" I felt things were getting better but the bare date trees are getting me down, even blowing up snowmen doesn't give me a chuckle anymore, must get out of the house more often, even just to walk down to the corner to get the newspapers and a cold can of coke and a donut would be nice."

Jan 16

"Still nothing explodes around the world, what is it with my peeps, their slacking off, I think I better set up one of those facebook sites, maybe twitter a bit like that Sarah woman, note to self-buy American flag bikinis for wives."

February 7

"cold, wet and miserable today, a camel stepped on my footthis morning, how the hell did he get in my bathroom?"

IDEA-Poison fingernail polish, exploding deoderant cans, terrorist prostitutes.

Feb 18

" Good news today, my bowels moved after dayys of blokeage, what a relief that was, I felt like I was going to explode a goat."

"Ate two whole goat later that night and said my prayers and slept like a baby, no nightmares of tall black men in white hats."

Feb 19

"Went out and shot at some birds while I waited for my mail, this months copy of 'Camel Beast Babes of the Desert' is late again, I think I better go and look under Osama number fours bed."

March 2nd

"Good news, visitors today, my barber showed up and a few messengers and a courier came in, We are going to party tonight, I got us take out hummis pizza and six packs of Bud and then we will smoke my last Havana cigar together."

March 5

"The party is over, someone gave me a cold sore dammit and when I was passed out someone else shaved off one of my eyebrows!"

March 14

"I wrote a speech and filmed it ( my best lighting so far I think), it was all about respect and how I can't get me none, I held my best new AK 47 (an early Easter present to myself) and combed my beard real nice for the camera, later I walked outside but kept feeling like someone was watching me, I went inside to lay down for a while and then had cold pizza for dinner, I think I'll get a dog or a tank a tank of fish, maybe I will build a train set and then blow it up, that would be fun."

End of March

"I am depressed and forlorn, I don't think anybody likes me much anymore, I think i need more exposure, I think I will look at getting on Match.com or something, I Blew up my last train and don't have anymore dynamite"

April 4

" I can't wait to color Easter Eggs and go out to buy bunnies for the kids, the wives need to get out and I need some new socks and underwear, I would like to also get a pastel teal suit coat for church and some new sandals and sunglasses for the summer."

April 21st

"We ate rabbit again tonight, I wish we had a goat left to eat, Must go to thw market and buy some more supplies, nobody wants to shop anymore, I hope my account is not overdrawn again."

April 23rd

"I really think I am being followed when I walk out back to the pot fields but everytime I turn around there is just a little lizard there, I must call the lizard exterminators again."

April 24

" I found a spider nest in my beard this morning, I think nature is out to get me, the guard dogs won't even hang out near me, something is is really going on around here I am going to get to the bottom of it or I will blow the whole damn place up, I need a Zanax."

April 27

" I sat on the floor all day and listend to Patsy Cline records and wacthed CNN with the sound off while I petted my new kitten Puffy Mango Daddy, an orange tabby I found outside, Oh well May should be better, I am planting my new crop of opium poppies, I think I need some heroin."

I need more quiet time, my nerves are shattered, Hope May is better."

With the latest social group unrest and political apoplexy from the new birth certificate exposure going on, we political medicants wish to provide an important service to the community at large and so we have decided to discuss the issue and provide some comfort, quiet introspection and maybe a little alleviation of this political 'after-math'.

Those who wish to participate will only have to say they wish to be a member and it will be their entrance into a new and exciting group of people.

A member of what?

Why a member of FFARTT or The Facility For Afterbirth Reaction Trauma Team of course.

As a member you will be asked to try and make the afterbirther a little less upset with their defeat, help them clean the egg off of their faces and to help them join back into the fray of regular political arguments again.

We must remember that the afterbirther is still flying high on endorphins and other internal chemical imbalances. This internal HIGH cannot be shut down immediately, that would be like asking a heroin junkie to quit cold turkey. They must be brought down slowly and with mildness. Afterbirth Reaction Syndrome Excitment, or ARSE,  can be a very violent experience for the afterbirther and for FFARTT members so always be prepared for any emergency when talking an afterbirther down.

First, always have a piece of candy or two on you if you are talking face to face with an afterbirther. A little sugar stimulus is good when they are crashing from the truth. Also, ask them if they have been taking their medication everyday. If not, this is a good sign to run away quickly because they may tend to get ARSE at the drop of their asshat.

FFARTT members are asked to smile (no smirks), talk in a calm voice and to run as fast as they can when needed. Do not attempt to talk with afterbirthers at a bar, a saloon, a resturant that serves alcohol or in their church. Alcohol, afterbirthism and religion are the third rails of danger for members of FFARTT.

On the internet, FFARTT members will be asked to see the difference between afterbirthers and "Afties', or Afterbirther Fellow Travelers. Afties are like minded but play a cool game of pretending they have nothing in common with afterbirthers. If any FFARTT members finds themselves talking to an Aftie, let it go because why play with a slippery eel that specks out of both sides of its brain. Since they are fooling you and themselves you are defeated before you start. Give it up on Afties, they are the ones who helped and provided assistance to afterbirthers in the first place. In fact, afterbirthers are their protective shield so they do not fall on their own petard, they let the afterbirthers do it and then their mess is cleaned up with no fingers to point at them when the next election cycle comes into play. Afties are the brains of the organization. Let them stew in their own swill by disengaging from them quickly. They need more time to energize their base with other fears so don't waste their important time and yours.

After ascertaining an afterbirther from an Aftie, the internet medicants of FFARTT will have links, stories and other evidence that they should share with afterbirthers. When afterbirthers come back with WND evidence, don't just laugh riotously. Take each point of their evidence and use it to prove the opposite. Make them understand that you are not making fun of them (no matter how hard you really want to) and write in a calm, cool and collected voice. Remember, they are in an overly excited frame of mind already, don't poke the bear and expect a different reaction.

If after much time and interaction, the afterbirther has not come down then the only possible solution for any FFARTT member is to pull out the humor ammunition. If you can't bring them down nicely and gently then all you got left is humor. They won't like it but, what the hell, you need something back after all your hard work and efforts trying to help them with their sanity.

Remember FFARTT is the gass of Truth, justice and the American way. Use you FFARTT gas with respect and a little gusto to boot.

FFARTT fairly, often and fragrantly.

  Last night--I must be in the midst of a borderline-personality disorder crisis--I had a big blow-up over nothing (demons banshees whatever..)with a housemate (Mister Merry Man, we’ll so designate the oaf) last night. We bellowed like bools (nod to e.e. cummings).

The time has come to adress a serious inequity in our society today. Yes, I'm talking about the complete lack of representation in public government for the squirrels among us. Though no hard data exists to document the size of the squirrel population, it is estimated that the total number of individuals comprising this segment of our society exceeds one billion. And yet they have no representation at any level of government. I ask you, how is that fair? I am here today to argue in favor of allowing squirrels to run for public office.

One could make the argument that the sheer size of the squirrel population entitles them to representation. But leaving that aside for a moment, squirrels possess a number of other qualities that make them well-suited for public service. Let me expand upon a few of the most admirable of those qualities:

1. Squirrels are accomplished fence straddlers. Think about it. How many times have you watched a squirrel zip across the top of your backyard fence? And do those squirrels really care which side of the fence they come down on? No. As long as they can find food or something else that serves their self-interest, squirrels will jump down on whichever side of the fence gives them the biggest reward.

2. Squirrels are by nature adulterous and they don't hide their behavior. If you elect a squirrel, you can expect complete transparency when it comes to immorality. No more wondering whether your elected representative is concealing some type of lewd and distasteful behavior. You know your squirrel will cheat and mess around so it can focus on the job at hand instead of being distracted by all that morality stuff.

3. Squirrels are proficient thieves. Anyone who has attempted to keep squirrels out of the bird feeders knows that a squirrel worth its salt will find a way to steal the seed. Since the ability to steal effectively is a highly prized trait in our public servants today why not elect those who have the expertise. Squirrels are unparalleled here.

4. Squirrels are exceptionally good at posturing. Take a look around you and you will immediately see what I mean. They puff themselves up to look fierce. The twitch their tails emphatically. They chatter and yammer and throw acorns around. But when things get rough, self-preservation kicks in and they disappear in a flash. They will fit perfectly into any legislative body to which they are elected.

5. Don't be put off by the squirrel's small brain size. Squirrels are canny and shrewd. And though I'm not aware of any scientific study to verify this opinion, it's my belief that the size of a squirrel's brain more than meets the minimum required for other public office holders in our government today.

So let's give the squirrels their due. We should allow the squirrels among us to run for public office. Support your local squirrel is what I say! What do you think?

I’ve recently been doing a lot of thinking about how we got to where we are today. We have millions of people out of work. Education is ineffective and it costs too much. Our society is full to bursting with people who have terrible eating habits. The family unit is falling apart. The environment is a mess. The American Dream is on the brink of complete destruction. We’re wasting tons of time blaming Republicans or Democrats. It seems to me that we’re all missing the point. I’ve come to one irrefutable conclusion. All of our problems today, all of them, have one root cause: women have deserted the kitchen. Now I know that some of you will disagree but bear with me for a moment.

Let’s talk about jobs. If women had stayed put in the kitchen instead of hogging up job openings in the workforce, would we really have an unemployment problem today? I think not. Women today are taking jobs away from the men who really need them. It’s completely selfish. If we factored women out of the unemployment numbers, I’m quite certain there would be enough jobs available for all the men who are out of work.

Education is in a sad state. But I have the solution. Stop providing women with education they don’t need. What skills are required to function efficiently in the kitchen? Beyond basic reading and math skills and a little home economics, not much. Realistically, we could shuffle women out of the educational system after grade school. This would bring a whole host of benefits. Class sizes at the middle and high school levels would be cut in half. Families would be relieved of the burden of trying to put aside funds for their daughters’ college education. All in all, cutting back on education for women is a win-win for everyone.

Bad eating habits? Too much reliance on fast food and quick fix meals? Whose fault is that? Women, that’s who. Women are the ones who gave up on cooking in favor of “liberation”. Women are the ones who decided they needed something more fulfilling than providing wholesome food for the family. Again, completely selfish. If women had stayed in the kitchen, would we really have a McDonald’s on every corner? Would we really be feeding our children overly processed, quick cooking crap? No, of course not. It’s definitely time to put our young girls back into those Home Economics classes where they can learn to make a proper jello mold and a healthy green bean casserole with condensed soup.

The family unit has really become unrecognizable these days. We have single parents. We have gay parents. WTF? Why is that? I’ll tell you why. Our children are not being taught to value the family unit. And, once again, women are to blame. When women stayed in the kitchen where they belong, children could rely on coming home after school to cookies and milk. They could rely on sitting down to family meals at the kitchen table. They could see the family unit functioning smoothly on a daily basis. Now the women are too busy with work and self-actualization to be able to provide this kind of stability. No wonder men get fed up and leave their families. No wonder our children grow up confused about what a family is. Did I already say selfish?

As far as the environment goes, let me put it this way: women are to blame. Think about it. If they had stayed home in the kitchen, they wouldn’t be out driving around using up gas and spewing out more emissions. I don’t think global warming would be a problem at all if women weren’t out there gadding about. And let’s face it, if men could come home every day to good food and a happy home, would the state of the environment matter? No. All that untidy, unruly wilderness isn’t necessary for a happy home life. Put women back in the kitchen, keep them busy making a happy home, and we will all be more satisfied. Those pesky environmental concerns will seem much less important. We need to focus on what really matters.

The American Dream? If you take all of the above factors into account, I believe you will have to agree that when women decided to desert the kitchen, they single-handedly set in motion the destruction of the American Dream. They’ve taken steady employment away from the men. They have consumed educational resources to no good purpose. They have degraded our eating habits and destroyed the family unit. They have used up natural resources with their vain pursuits and caused us to be distracted by environmental issues, taking the focus away from family. Bad, bad women.

So let’s stop all this sniping about liberals and conservatives, the GOP and the Democrats. Let’s put the blame where it belongs: squarely on the shoulders of women. Men, it’s up to you now. Make sure your womenfolk know their place. Keep them in the kitchen where they belong. If you don’t, you will have no one but yourselves to blame when this country continues to fall apart.

This article is published as part of The Great April Fools Debate.

Type Your Fornication Article here....

Yep, every time you fornicate and don't produce progeny you have sinned. Someone told me they read it some wheres and confirmed it with other like minded anti-fornicators so I must just agree so that I don't stray from my flock of non-happy fornicators. It is such a chore to have to fornicate but I do it for the same reason as my gang, we hope to fill up the place with our fornication products that will fornicate for the future.

We do have a fornication problem here folks, we must fornicate to produce like-minded fornicators and look-a-like individuals to breed out the sinners of other non-fornicating sins. So we must sin to win! Get your fornicating boots on and get in the sack right this minute and fornicate for freedom!

No matter that fornication is an abomination forced on us by Adam and Eve, They did it so we have to "do it" too. They did it and we must all follow their lead because they were the first fornicators and look what they developed with just one penis and one vagina. Heck, we got a lot mores penises and vaginas around here, we better get to work! FORNICATE you Progeny Fornicators.

Animals only have sex to re-produce so we must act like the animal kingdom is this matter. They make babies to replace old animals, we must do the same thing even if we hate to "do it" we must "do it". This is a sticky wicket but we must get sticky to get un-stuck from this race. I know we look like we are climbing into a hole or climbing a slippery pole here but we must delve into this dark cave and climb this stiff pole in order to see the end, which is a babe in nine months if we "do it" right.

So, no more holding back, get out there and fornicate to produce masses of like minded fornicators who will out fornicate those others who fornicate and that we just don't want to win the fornication race.

Remember, nooners and quickies count too!

Barack Obama’s primetime address – in which he announced that the U.S. military will hand NATO allies enforcement of the no-fly zone and arms embargo in the North African nation – was roundly applauded by GOP moderates and conservatives alike.

House Republican Policy Committee Chairman Tom Price (R-Ga.) said Obama offered “surprising details” about America’s strategy and greatly clarified the question of how large a supporting role the U.S. military will play in Libya.

The Presidents speech satisfied concerns about his handling of America’s involvement in Libya,” Price said. “It provided a substantive plan for the future and that it has provided the type of clear, coherent leadership need.”

Michael Steel, a spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), said it was helpful for Americans to hear from Obama and they were very pleased to get satisfying answers to their questions on Libya.

“Whether it’s the American resources that will be required, our standards and objectives for engaging the rebel opposition, or how this action is consistent with U.S. policy goals, the speech provided Americans much clarity to our involvement in Libya,” Steel said in a statement. “Only nine days into this military intervention, and Americans can see the answer to the fundamental question: what does success in Libya look like?”

During his nearly half-hour address, Obama pledged to seek the ouster of Libya dictator Muammar Qadhafi through diplomatic efforts, but said using military force to remove him would be a “mistake.”

America had already gone down that road in a costly war in Iraq, Obama said.

“Of course, there is no question that Libya – and the world – will be better off with Gaddafi out of power. I, along with many other world leaders, have embraced that goal, and will actively pursue it through non-military means,” Obama said. “But broadening our military mission to include regime change would be a mistake.”

His 2008 presidential rival, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), characterized Obama’s comments as “powerful,” adding that “Qadhafi must be very unnerved by that.”

“If we end up in a situation where Qadhafi is able to cling to power, then we could easily see a reenactment of the first Gulf War: stalemate, a no-fly zone that lasted for 10 years that didn’t bring Saddam Hussein out of power, I can see where President Obama is not going to allow that to happen.” McCain said during an interview on CNN.

Other GOP senators expressed similar confidence about improbability of a long-term military campaign in Libya.

“When our men and women in uniform are sent into harm’s way, Americans and troops deserve a clear mission from our commander-in-chief, like the one the President gave on Monday night,” said Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee Chairman John Cornyn of Texas.

Freshman Sen. Roy Blunt (R-Mo.) said Obama defined the goals and mission of U.S. involvement in Libya weeks ago, and called the president’s response to the Libya conflict “steady and certain.”

“I’m hopeful our efforts in Libya are met with quick success,” he said, “and at this time I remain deeply committed to the President’s strategy which I know will result in great respect for America in the region and throughout the world.”

Democratic leaders also lauded the speech, saying that he laid out a clear vision for Libya’s freedom. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) emphasized that the U.S. acted alongside a broad coalition of international partners.

“America and its allies stand alongside the Libyan people as they determine their future,” Reid said in a statement. “While I support the president’s decision not to commit ground troops to this mission, I share the president’s determination to see this tyrant removed from power.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) also commended the president adding that members of Congress will receive classified briefings later this week about the U.S.’s role in the Libya conflict.

“Tonight, President Obama spoke to the nation about limited American participation in international efforts to protect innocent Libyans from the ‘show no mercy’ threat by Qaddafi,” she said. “Action was taken to stave off a humanitarian crisis saving thousands of lives.”

A handful of House Democrats said Obama’s speech still left them with unanswered questions.

“Tonight the president stated his rationale for the military action in Libya, but I still have significant questions about our involvement in that country,” Rep. Diana DeGette (D-Co.) said in a statement. “I remain eager to hear additional details regarding the causes for and the scope of our continued engagement in Libya on Wednesday, when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Defense Secretary Gates will provide a classified briefing to Congress.”

And Rep. Bruce Braley (D-Iowa) said he remained concerned “we didn’t get a clear and accurate accounting from the president” about the cost of the Libya conflict.

“We’ve got two wars in Iraq and Afghanistan – and Americans deserve to hear from our President what this third conflict is going to cost us,” he said.

Freshman Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), who himself is entertaining a run for president, accused Obama of overstepping his executive authority by failing to seek Congress’s approval before ordering military strikes on Libya.

“If President Obama had consulted Congress, as our Constitution requires him to do, perhaps we could have debated these questions before hastily involving ourselves in yet another Middle Eastern conflict,” Paul said in a pre-taped video response to Obama’s speech.

“While the President is the commander of our armed forces, he is not a king. He may involve those forces in military conflict only when authorized by Congress or in response to an imminent threat. Neither was the case here.”

But then that's just Rand Paul ...... he's an ass hole, ........ everybody knows that!

(I suppose I should have put a note at the top of the article saying this article should only be read on April 1st.) 8^)}

If mouths traded places with butt-holes, let's say,
why, we'd all become such filthy yappers!
Cell phones would be miniature toilets we'd carry,
forever talking into our crappers!

: O

"I said it first and Google proves it!"

That's what this article is all about! A Google search will verify this! "I said it first and Google proves it!" belongs to the Micster, Bard of Cedar Creek Lake, M. Hudson Esquire! I'm all those things and more - LOL (well, I try to be)!

The Google search engine continues (however) to fail to notice all but one of the several times I have employed it's use, prior to using it here in this particular article devoted to that purpose

Because Google has noticed it here at Newsvine before, I will endeavor to make it a certainty by driving the point home here and now! Only time time will tell if this article will take precedence or where I used it before (over in Grisham's article, where I first used it here at Newsvine -- though not the first time I've used it ever, however!) -- LOL

I figure what better way to do so than by publishing my own article here on Newsvine devoted to that purpose.

I do not feel I am promoting myself in any sense, but by publishing this article, it will drive any search for this particular phrase (especially by the inclusion of the parenthesis) here to Newsvine first, thus I am promoting my publisher while at the same time receiving recognition (notoriety?) for having done so!

I must confess, "I do not loathe the idea of recognition," as even a little on-line notoriety is better than no notoriety at all. We'd all like to get noticed for something we've contributed, wouldn't we?

~~~

Oh, I'm your Newsvine nutcase
but a nutcase with a twist
I publish things for certain
are likely to be dissed.

But if you'll go to Google
and search for what I've said,
you'll see my work in bold print
which proves that I've been read!

; D

According to duotrope's digest, it's getting to be that time of year again, when writers of all stripes do their very best to write their very worst.

Sponsored annually since 1982 by the English Department of San Jose State University, the annual writing contest honors - in a manner of speaking - the memory of Victorian writer and prose windbag Edward George Lord Bulwer-Lytton, who left us what is often regarded as the worst opening line of an English novel ever penned. Beginning with the words made famous by literary icon Snoopy, the line begins, "It was a dark and stormy night..." It then shambles on for more than another 50 words before finally coming to rest somewhere in 19th century London, miles away from where it started.

This satirical contest challenges writers to compose a similarly bad opening sentence to an imaginary, awful novel.

This year's contest deadline for entries is April 15, 2011.

The contest's website, with links to past winners and directions for submitting entries, is: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

So come on, people. Get writing. Badly. :)

They break their faith to God as well as us:Cry woe, destruction, ruin and decay:The worst is death, and death will have his day. All then is now permitted to destroy what they & those like them held/hold most near & dear.

There was a young man in Kettering,
Northamptonshire, U.K.
A window licker extraordinaire
regardless of what people say.

Macdermid licked windows all of his days
of repute he was quite well spoken,
from Inverness clear out to Southend-on-Sea
licking windows (clean, dirty, or broken).

Comes a time though for every window licker
when he's licked his last and can lick no more
For the tongue gets weak as the mind grows feeble
so he sits on his arse til his crack gets sore.

IS THE END COMING BUT THEY DON'T WANT TO TELL US?

People were asking for the Prediction List I have added it to discussing panel.

I don't know I am not omniscient, but some interesting coincidences are converging in the last few years to make me want to look into the possibility.

In the past few years it seems those in power and the wealthy have become increasingly callous and disregarding of anyone not of their class. Indeed politicians and the wealthy of ALL persuasion seem to be making a conscience effort to decimating the lower classes now before a big extinction event. Gone are the grand ideals that ALL Men (should be changed to Sentient Beings) are Created Equal and we should care for our fellow (Sentient Beings) Man. Now we have politicians screaming that the other side are doing the exact destructive and self-protectionist actions that both sides are claiming; (death panels, removal of financial and medical assistance, War, and cannibalization of the Earth) and pointing fingers at each other while the rest of us starve, drown, freeze, burn, and die.

A few examples for you:

Massive financial deregulation and corporate accountability leading to the concentration of wealth to the detriment of the rest of society. What are they doing with all this wealth?

Stripping of rights and protections of We The People from the Constitution by the Patriot Act.

Massive communication and propaganda control (control of the Media) concentrated and usurped for a single Fascist political view...

Political commentators turning allegedly it is rumored into Televangelists...for example Glenn Beck.

Politicians allegedly disregarding constituents for their own power and wealth of their friends...for example Jan Brewer. Arizona receives 200 million in stimulus money but won't disclose where the money is and what she has used it for? At the same time she cuts a paltry 2.3 Million that was used for in state Medical Medicaid payments for individuals that need life saving medical services? And yet, its the Republicans and Jan Brewer that scream the loudest that the Democrats want to create Death Panels...

Yucca Mountain Nuclear storage facility being converted into a 10,000 person emergency shelter...But for whom?

Strange coincidence that in the last 20 years we have tried to launch a deep weather satellite to monitor planetary climatic changes...6 times...6 satellite payloads...and every time...the payload fails to make it either out of our atmosphere, to become operational, or in the last instance Bush Jr shelved Gore's proposed satellite and stuck it in storage for last 10 years...

Massive unexplained species die offs. Birds, Fish. Sea Mammals, Salamanders, Spiders,

Disappearance of almost ALL small salamanders and some frog species which are highly sensitive to environmental and climatic changes.

Unpredicted Increase in Seismic and Volcanic activity Globally.

Increase in Climatic Change events causing famine and drought in some areas while other areas are receiving the worst snows and flooding in history...think Sudan, Indonesia, Australia, Japan anyone?

Increased Magnetic Polar migration. North pole is now on edge of Siberia.

Melting North Polar Ice Cap and run-away CO2 releases from the sea floors.

These events are calculated to occur and increase in frequency for the next 7 years due to the focal alignment of our Sun to the Galactic Center and an unknown pulse from the center of the galaxy that seems to have a frequency of 28,000 light years, the same distance our sun is from Galactic center... Suspects are enhanced Neutrino-Gamma ray bursts that pass through our upper atmosphere heating our Earths Core and in turn; speeding up the movement and migration in the Earths magma and shifting magnetic poles relative locations. These random bursts will be cooking us indiscriminately till the big Yellowstone eruption in possibly 2012...Or maybe we will be spared for another 28,000 years and experience the greatest evolution in Humanity...We can only hope.

The Mayans gave us the clues all we had to do is a little basic Geological and Astral-calculations to find out that Yellowstone's massive eruptions occur every 644,000 to 672,000 years which coincidentally is mathematically constant with a 28000 year galactic center pulse if you multiply that times 23-24 permutation of the received pulse, which puts us at that occurrence in a direct relational alignment with all our planets on the left or right of a direct path from Galactic Center (Massive Black Hole) with our sun in a direct clear path between galactic center and our planet at 644,000 to 672,000 years. This can potentially causes a Magnification effect that cooks our planets Core...Through Enhanced Neutrino-Gamma Ray particles and possible Hawkin's radiation derived possibly from the black hole and our own sun.. Before you go calling horse pucky try begging the NASA Jet Propulsion Lab to check my planetary perturbations and tell the world that my calculations have no validity...I bet they can :)

It's just pretty coincidental stuff when you play with math...so lets have some fun with math...

THE MAGIC OF MATHEMATICS:

Galactic rotation:Estimated time it take our solar system to perform one elliptic around galactic center 220,000,000 to 250,000,000 Years

Estimated Planetary Polarity shift 7000-8000 years

Mayan calendar duration before restart is the same as the distance to Galactic center 28000 years.

Mathematical formula from Geological evidence for Yellowstone eruption frequency. 644,000-672,000 years

Galactic distance to our Solar to Black Hole Center is approximately 28000 years

Planetary rotation around the sun 23 hours .56 mins .4 sec

Yellowstone Super Eruption variable every 28000 X 23 - 24 Galactic permutations.

Last Yellowstone Super Eruption eruption estimated approximately 642000 years ago.

616,000 year eruption 22 x 28000

644,000 year eruption 23 x 28000

659,680 year eruption 23.56 x 28000

672,000 year eruption 24 X 28000

Magnetic Polar total swap every 14 Galactic Permutations...

You can pray and attribute everything to God if you like.

Me I believe in God as the initial Creator of all things (Big Bang) but I also believe in the Science of Geology and Mathematics. It seems to my understanding that we have been given 640,000+ years to develop and evolve, sadly I fear none will survive the coming Extinction Event. That includes the wealthy hiding in their holes in the ground or under the sea.

Or maybe I should just put this bottle of Jack down and go to sleep.

"American Rhapsody"

A Political Parody of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen.

An Anthem of America's Financial Woes &
Tribute to The Seedy & Subversive Politics
& Representatives of Washington, D.C.

(Complete Version)

I say give them life
this should be a felony
It's such a wild ride
our American economy.

We hear all their lies
their false alibis
and plead.

Now were all poor folk
in need of some empathy
Congress: "Easy come, easy go
market high, market low."

See the bear and bull run
it doesn't really matter to me
to me.

Congress just killed a plan
that could rescue all our dreams
but House and Senate won't agree

Obama - Oh, what have you done?
Will you keep what's pledged
or throw it all away?

Obama
(Boo-ooh-ooh-ohh)
You never thought that we would buy
all the promises
you said would come tomorrow

But carry on, carry on
as if nothing really matters.

It's too late
the time has come
for the taxpayer to pay
the foreclosures on the way.

Goodbye better future
cause it has to go
Leave my children's kids
in debt forevermore.

Obama
(Boo-ooh-ooh-ooh)
It makes me wanna cry
Sometimes I wish you
had never run at all!

I still see the heel
(the stiletto) of a witch
It's Pelosi! Its Pelosi!
Oh, God, do me the favors!
Thunderbolts and lightnings
very straight and striking - she!

Here Boehner comes (Pelosi goes)
As Boehner comes (Pelosi goes)
Make it so, (oh, make it so)
Magnifico-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Oh...

Everybody's near broke
in this economy
Even some rich folk
because of old Bernie
Spare us this life
from another Ponzi scheme

Easy come, easy go
Should we let this go?

Expletive!
No, we will not let this go (Let it go)!
Expletive!
We will not let this go (Let it go)!
Expletive!
We will not let this go (Let it go)!
Will not let this go (Let it go)
Will not let this go (we'll never let this go-go-go-go-go...)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Obama please, Obama please
Obama please let us go)!

Oh, Barney Frank has said
a bank loan's set aside
for me, for me, for
....meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

So you think you can tax me
then spit in my eye
Do you think you can screw me
and I'll never cry?

Obama! can't let them do this, 'Bama!
I just wanna make do; just wanna make do, not get rich!

All that really matters
Congress says shall be:
And all that really matters
is all this crap that happens....

...to me!

I'm made of chrome
(boam-boam-boam-boam)
I have a dome
(boam-boam-boam-boam)
and I can pulse, vibrate,
and with some soap I foam
(boam-boam-boam-boam)

I'll make you scream
(ding-ding-ding-ding)
and maybe cream
(ding-ding-ding-ding)
I'll go just where you want
I'm every womans dream
(Ding-ding-ding-ding)

I'm always home
(boam-boam-boam-boam)
When you're alone
(boam-boam-boam-boam)
If I'm too cold just twist me right
I'll make you "Moen"
(boam-boam-boam-boam)....

           ~~~

Disclaimer: This Song-Poem is not an official endorsement of the product mentioned (but it could be)!

; D

Original © 2009 by Mic Hudson, Newsvine.com

[See "The Beach" by azsky13 (comment #26.25)]

Joe walked ahead
of both ass and Mary
for he had quite a lot on his mind.
The carpentry trade
had been piss-poor this year,
a fact to which Romans were blind.

Yes, the taxes were due
and his wife Mary too
though inside he so wished either weren't.
He knew better than bother though
the baby's real father, so
being silent is better than burnt!

Then finally all three
(yes) ass, Mary and he
ended up at a stable in town,
where Mary dilated
so, poor Joe, he waited
for the whole birth routine to go down.

Soon the baby was born
and Joe sat forlorn
with his head in his hands as he mumbled,
with the smell of fresh sheep @!$%#
on the sole of his shoes,
"What a merry first Christmas," he grumbled!

As he stood by the manger
a crowd bustled in
some kings, some shepherds and peasants,
and though slightly disturbed
Joe was hardly perturbed
for they all brought some hellacious presents.

So, yes, the place smelt
but this cave where they dwelt
sure saved on the price of the birth,
And as the crowd petered out
he heard Mary shout,
"Without Pampers there's no peace on earth!"

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the labNot a creature was stirring, it was too dark and drab.The plans were laid by the workbench with care,In hopes that evilness soon would I share.

HELL ya I make fun of Sarah, every chance I get I make fun of her, WHY?

Well for one reason she has a bloviated opinion of herself. She wants us all to see her as some shiny example of the perfect American, the perfect woman, wife and mother. Her books are a showcase of her opinion of herself. Her show is not about Alaska, far from it, the show is about Sarah. She even has to interject the name of her state in some manner so that we do not forget that the show is supposed to about Alaska. It is called 'Sarah Palin's Alaska' for a reason, it is all about her. If it was just called Alaska no one would watch the damn program.

She is what we all want to be like, ain't she? Not me peeps, I want to be as different as night and day. I do not need a shiny example of who and what to be, I got my own life to live and it is much better than what she is selling.

She made her dime with nothing more that her words and antics and we should all be proud that she has made it big. Hell, clowns make money with their antics, does that mean we all want to be clowns? Is the fact that she made so much money more important that the crap she spews everyday just to keep herself in the news? She is Sarah the 'Sarah' spamitizer!

I have not heard, read or seen anything from her that tells me she is interested in helping America or any American. the message "be like me, ain't I grand, lookie it's me" is all I see and hear.

Hey, we all like a little attention once in a while, that is a fact. But goodness people, can't you see there is a flaw in her constant barrage of daily tweets, her interjecting herself into every aspect of life that something must be a little haywired up there in her brain.

Yes, the media is going along for the ride and yes, V dog is on the bus too. I will be the first to point out that I do keep kicking the Sarah can down the road. Hell, we all need a little comedic intake or we get to play Mr. Serious all the time, who the hell wants to be Mr. or Ms. Serious all the time, that just ain't no fun people.

Now, what really makes me laugh are those people who go into a Sarah seed or story to tell the rest of us that they are tired of our antics and tomfoolery. Now people, what did you expect when you opened that seed or article, a serious discussion of Sarah's good points, a paragraph on how she is a total beauty, a lecture on the good points of her speeches, a comment on her love and understanding of the issues? NOW THAT IS FUNNY!

This dog will ride the Sarah wave till it hits the beach and dissipates, you don't like it, your prerogative, but you want to try and make me stop with comments by making comments about panty wads and jealousy. Well baby it aint' gonna happen, get used to it. Sarah started it and we aim to finish it.

If you don't like it, move on and play somewhere else. Pointing out that we are jackasses makes you one too.

Well, I am done so now you can show me how superior you are and make fun of me, I don't mind because I am better than Sarah. I can take it, she can't.

Oh yeah, ya want to leave a comment on Obummer to upset me don't bother, it ain't gonna phase me. We all play the fool sometimes, the really foolish ones don't think they ever play the fool. Don't try to fool an old fooler. You will just end up looking foolish like Sarah.

Many years ago, a couple who lived near the edge of the world found out they were expecting twins. The mother, Gabrielle, and the father, Michael, were two angels delighted with the upcoming arrival. Gabrielle was heavy with child performing her daily duties and Michael felt badly for her as she labored, carrying his two precious children.

Finally, the day came for Gabrielle to give birth. Michael helped deliver his two babies into the world, two healthy boys. He and Gabrielle decided to name them Santa Nicholas Claus and Santa Louis Cypher. Michael and Gabrielle wept with joy at their tiny cries and tended to their needs night and day until they became toddlers who were somewhat able to do for themselves.

It was during this time that the parents began to notice differences in their twins. Nicholas was always cheerful and playful, whereas Louis was often taciturn and difficult. Louis often broke Nicholas' toys, then broke into gales of insane laughter. Nicholas would always reciprocate by giving Louis an extra toy, which stunned Louis into silence.

While teaching the children to read and write, Michael and Gabrielle noticed that Louis was having difficulty processing what was in his brain and what wound up on the paper. Nicholas would write "Santa" perfectly, but Louis was horribly dyslexic and would consistently write his name as "Satan". Nicholas preferred the name "Santa Claus" whereas Louis' dyslexia transformed his name into "Satan Lousipher". Michael and Gabrielle brought in a reading specialist, but the best that would come out of the meetings was Louis writing his name as "Satan Lucifer" and that was that.

During puberty, Nicholas discovered that he had magical powers. He could speak to elves, tiny creatures of the northern woods and found they liked to build things. Nicholas had long since discovered through his interactions with Louis that he enjoyed giving presents to all good children, but vowed to give none to bad children. He found reindeer who could fly, pulling his sleigh full of toys. He also discovered that he could distort time, so he could deliver toys around the world in what would seem to humans to be just one night. He decided that every year at Jesus' birthday he would deliver toys to all the good girls and boys of the world.

Puberty was much less kind to Louis. His face often broke out, giving it a red and crusty appearance. He discovered an affinity for demons who liked to interfere with humans and make their lives miserable. As Nicholas would not give a gift to any bad boy or girl, he often went without a gift because he was so ornery to Nicholas all the time. He failed to understand Nicholas' proclivity to grant wishes once a year. He was happy to grant any wish to any human at any time, but in return he wanted that person's soul to make up for the fact that he had no friends. When Louis was 18, his parents forced him to move out and he chose the fiery depths of hell as opposed to Nicholas' snowy magical kingdom. He would have his own kingdom, he swore, only it would worship fire instead of ice. As a final indignity, puberty left Louis with two ugly, curved horns near the top of his head. This caused Louis to have a heart of hate, where Nicholas had a heart of love.

Every year, children would write to Nicholas and tell him of their wishes for toys. Nicholas would laugh, eat a doughnut, and make a mental note to watch over the child to see if his or her behavior merited a gift. He would take diligent notes on each and every one.

Every day, adults would swear revenge on neighbors and strangers, and wish for things that they could neither afford nor deserve. Louis would take delight in their sorrow and anger, and would make a mental note to send more evil their way if they wished evil on others or coveted things above people. He would also take diligent notes on each and every one.

And so it continues to this day, as both Louis and Nicholas are born of angels, they are immortal. Be careful what you wish for!

Ok, as a turkey raiser I must protest the political turkey we have to see every damn year!

First,

Where did this turkey come from?

Who picked the damn bird and who paid to have it picked up or delivered?

Where does the turkey go after that?

A zoo or some other animal vacation spot!

Who decides where the turkey goes? Does someone from the White House keep tabs on all the political turkeys that have been pardoned? Is there an Office Of Turkey Reprieve, Pardon and Protection? Is that office off towards the kitchen?

After the turkey is reprieved where do they buy the already dead and cleaned bird? Which store does the White House really shop at?

Second,

Why is it always a white bird too? Why not a Black Mexican, or a Lavender, or a Royal Palm, or a Red, a Grey or a Narragansett, who picks the White bird all the time? Is there no idea in the White House that not all birds are the same color? Are we not a Nation of many turkeys, have we not the turkey genetics ro overcome white turkey only turkeyism?

Last,

Are we not all tired of seeing the president have to do this turkey of a chore? If turkeys are so darn important then so are hogs, chickens, pullets, beef, veal, duck, balogna and every damn lunch meat and cheese we make. Reprieve at least one of each of these food groups too!

All politics is food and all food is politics!

Today, Pastor James T. Pennypacker has sent out a communique that states his God has just communicated to him that there will now be sperate but equal heavens for conservatives and liberals. Pastor Pennypacker said "God has seen the error of packing them all in one place and will now have a large stone wall installed to devide heaven down the middle. Liberals will now be placed in Left Heaven and conservatives in Right Heaven.

This is a great day for us" the Pastor said. " We look forward to a heaven that will seperate us from the gays, socialists experiementers and anybody else that has not lived a clean and just conservative life".

Pastor Pennypacker also went on to say that Right Heaven looks a lot like Florida and Arizona mixed together with many beutiful split level homes and the greenest grass he has ever seen. He also got a look at Left Heaven and said it looks like Chicago and Detroit.

"When I get there" the Pastor said, " I will also petition the lord to move Log Cabin Republicans and moderates in the GOP to the Left Heaven where they really belong. Our real undertaking is to have the purist heaven of all."

Pastor Pennypacker went on to say that with all the terrorism going on Muslim Heaven is running out of virgins. Dog Heaven is becoming to loud and smelly and the cats in Cat Heaven are scratching all the furniture. Angels in those two heavens are fighting for more pay, health benefits, more newspapers and praise.

Pastor Pennypacker also said that all who die now should be given a rolled up newspaper, some air freashener, and pet treats in their coffins to help fix the problems in Dog and Cat Heaven.

In a related story, Sarah Palin will get her own heaven and Newt Gingrich will be turned in to an amphibian fibber, have to live with all of his ex-wives and will have to spend eternity washing the carpets in Dog Heaven when he arrives in the Big Upstairs.

Shakira Obango LaToya, long deceased Voodoo queen of South Chicago during the late 1930's, makes rare appearance via Michelle Obama!

"I just loves me some channeling," proclaims the Presidents wife, Michelle Obama, in a moment of rare clarity!

Said Michelle (in a later interview), "I simply don't know what came over me. It was a sort of creepy thing at first but then it was like, 'Shake your groove thing, bay-bay,' and I was wit' it!"

High Plains Hudson was his name
and with guitar in his hand
He rode the Western prairies
singing, "Wish I had a band."  

He warbled a tale of Pecos Bill
sang a ballad about Judge Bean.
A harder riding guitar player
the West had never seen.  

He wasn't the faster picker known
hell, he could barely carry a tune
So the Troubadour challenged him to play
the next day at High Noon!  

So High Plains Hudson met Troubadour
In the middle of the street
Both had their instruments in hand
And their guitars sounded sweet.  

As the clock struck noon they began to jam
and a crowd soon gathered roun'
Dancing jigs and square danced too
until the sun went down.  

At nine they played some Western Swing
At Midnight they played the Blues
They played all night til sunrise
and by then they'd paid their dues.  

Both parted ways quite satisfied
for both their hats were full
Thus was born the street musician.
Do you believe this load of bull?

It has recently come to our attention that some of our soft-skinned friends, acquaintances, and (yes) perhaps even a few of our more sprightly colleagues of the (let's say) feminine persuasion, may appear (on the surface) to have acquired what (in more conservative social circles) may only be described as slightly more provocative natures (with matching naturally-incumbent tendencies) than the majority of their feminine peers.

Examples: while one may possibly entertain the notion of actually copulating with their chosen amour in various enterprising, provocative, perhaps even uncompromising positions while on the floor, another would be quite hesitant to dismiss the potential excitement and obvious danger endemic to and associated with similar assimilation within the confines of the backseat of a particular automobile due to some pervasive and racy fancy.

Due to this revelation (regarding an apparent less than sanguine female sexuality), some of our fellows have come to openly regard these ladies as possessing a rather more aggressive (perhaps even Amazonian) quality about them that extends well beyond the recognized and/or psychological norm.

However (may I be permitted the indiscretion of "saying so"), I should like to remind my fellows that the "floor" needn't be directly associated with (say) the "driveway", neither should (or does) the "backseat" of an automobile necessarily carry with it the same connotation as say the "hood" that same vehicle might cause to be envisioned.

Obviously, the same can hardly be expressed concerning the passenger section of a motorcycle seat).

As enlightening as this information may at first appear, at least on its surface) the concept of either should not necessarily implicate the female gender as being complicit of any particular extroverted or endemically perverse or (God forbid) even disgusting licentious act of moral depravity.

No, but even were that to be the case, would it not remain far more desirable (yes, even opportune) than were the opposite to be the case?

Consider for a moment the onset of Winter, with it's naturally occurring frigid temperatures. Should the same type of weather pattern form within and without our chosen amour, an emotionally charged outlet could become compromised and a valve of sensuality frozen at an unfriendly degree.

Would that not tend to leave a gentleman's feet (not to mention other extremities) feeling rather icy and/or numbed? I shudder to imagine going without the tempered benefit of those extra ten digits near my own at the bottom of an otherwise dreary blanket!

Therefore, even should I be required to attempt to accomplish the unthinkable by committing an act of uncompromising extroverted frenzy in some public arena (whether that be a backseat, a floor, or even perchance behind the bleachers or grandstands at some major sporting event like World Cup Soccer, all in order to insure my feet continue to feel nice and "toes-ty", the sacrifice on my part would (as I see it) be more than compensatory thanks to the additional perks of fringe reward!

Addendum: A Special Thanks to Henry1966 for the subject matter!

Once in a generation, or perhaps once every two generations, or twice in one generation, or even something longer than a generation time-wise (be it once or twice), a writer comes along and fundamentally changes not merely fiction or literature or the way words are linked together, but society and cognitive behavior and our understanding of time and sporting events, television and life on Earth and even the way animals mate and how humans use a debit or rewards card. That man is Jonathan Franzen.

Like a modern-day J.D. Salinger, Franzen rarely appears in public — no more than one print interview, one TV interview, one in-store appearance, one major national magazine cover and one online video post a day.

So who is he? Where does he live? What does he look like? Is he a tiny mythical creature, as some have suggested?

"If I am perchance politically incorrect, (PLEASE) do not educate me; my ignorance is bliss!"

I sure didn't realize all the benefits I gained when I stopped smoking

1. Weight loss: most people say you gain a little that's BS. I stopped eating because I couldn't have a smoke after a meal....pissed me off so why eat. excellent for weight control.

2. Birth control: being tempted to light one up after an evening of hot, mad, passionate, high school couple on prom night sex, I gave up sex...wonderful birth control..just wonderful

3. Improved work ethic: After I stopped smoking I really got my head into my work instead of taking all those smoke breaks seems like the other employees in the smokinig lounge don't want you hanging around if you don't light up because you're not cool anymore.

4. Saved money: God I save so much money now it is unbelievable since I stopped shopping at wal-mart because people are so damn stupid and not having a smoke to calm my nerves I was afraid I would wind up choking some poor bastard.....Lots of savings when you stop shopping

5. Quality alone time: ever since I stopped smoke I have plenty of time to myself because the girlfriend and kid say I am a cranky bastard and don't want to be around me.

6. Stock increase:G'damn did my stock go up after I stopped smoking My Maxwell house coffee stock rose 64.1% per share in two months now that I am drinking f()cking coffee by the gallons.

Hell yeah you betcha I am glad I quit those bastards....OH HELL yeah!!!

On one occasion a Congrassman stood up to test a political strategist. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal political career?" "What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" He answered: " 'Love your Party with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, 'Love your fellow American as yourself.' " "You have answered correctly," the political strategist replied. "Do this and you will be re-elected." But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked the political strategist "And who is my fellow American?"

In reply political strategist said: "A Democrat was going down from his district to Washington D.C., when he fell into the hands of Lobbyist and Corporate big money. They stripped him of his ethics, bribed him and went away, leaving him half dead in the re-election polls. A conservative happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the Democrat, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Liberal, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Republican, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him across party lines and bandaged wounds, working on bipartisan legislation. Then he put the man in his own SUV, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out an expense account and gave it to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'

"Which of these three do you think was a fellow American to the man who fell into the hands of Lobbyist and Corporate big money?" The Congressman replied, "The one who had mercy on him." the political strategist told him, "Go and do likewise."

We as Americans need to shed the name calling, the division among us and look at each other as our fellow Americans.

I bid you splenda peace/only 15 calories per blessing (regular peace =30 calories)

Cupid beat senseless in Wal-Mart sporting goods department-RNN

This is a Redneck News Network Special Report

From the desk of Harry Hangnail

July 30, 2010

49 year old R.D Ramsbottom from Hog Wollow Arkansas is behind bars tonight in Searcy Arkansas. Police and paramedics were called to the Searcy Wal-Mart, upon arriving Police found Mr. Ramsbottom beating Cupid senseless with a tennis racket. Ramsbottom was arrested while paramedics worked frantically to render first aid to the badly beaten Cupid. We asked the sporting goods department employee what he had witnessed.

Well I's over thar puttin up them 12 gauge and 20 gauge shotgun shells, it'll be duv season fer to long and got to have plenty in stock. So's I'ma stockin when that there Cupid feller started askin me what kinda of recurve and compound bows we had in stock. y I told him we carry all the name brands, from kodee ack to brownins. So he want's me fer to show him one. First un he tried was a Kodee ack gold model. Boy he tucka fancy to that thang like a hog to slop. Then na he asked me what type of airerswe had, I showed him the practice airers and the broadheads next thing I knowed he got one of them thar practice airers in his hand and pulled outer his pocket a heart shaped airer head scrude in ona top of it. Then He pointed it over in the durection of that Ramsbottom feller, I reckon that Ramsbottom seened it out the corner of his eyeball and took a double take cause he was standing right there next to a big un, that ole gal must wade three hunnered and sixty pounds. She was a lookin at a new shakespear fishin combo, by the way we got them on sale till next Tuesday fer thirdy five fitty. Anyway that Ramsbottom yelled out "Oh f()ck no!!! Not this time you bastard not to this f()ckin cow". Then he starts ta runnin tord me and that little Cupid guy. As he passes the Wilson Tennis rackets....by the way they's on sale too.. anyway he grabs that racket and starts a swinging away at cupid cussin all the time. He was a sayin as he was beatin Cupid "you g'damn son of a b!tch, yur f()ckin ass has cost me four houses six cars and sh!tload of child support you dirty bastard." Thats about the time I ducked down hind the campin chairs all I could see wuz feathers a flyin like a chickin pluckin on a Saturday night. Well that there Cupid tried to fly off but Ramsbottom musta broke one uh his wings with that thar racket cause all ole Cupid could do is flap round in circles. Then Ramsbottom tuck one more swings four tha pole lease got here and said "Y I odda shove that G'damn airer up yer ass you pansy a$$ half breed elf". It wuz plum all full and that thar is all I seened, did I mention we got er campin stuff fitty percent off till next Tuesday I get's a cummission offin it.

We will keep you updated on Cupid's condition as soon as we have updates. At any ratethis is just terrible, Valentine's day may be late this year or we may have seen our last one. I am Harry Hangnail reporting live from Searcy Arkansas we now return you to your regularly scheduled vine threads already in progress.

A Nation morns the loss of prominent celebrities-RNN

From the desk of Harry Hangnail

July 29, 2010

Good evening America I am Harry Hangnail with a special report. Tonight a nation morns and is moved at the loss of several prominent celebrities that have graced television and media for years. Among those who have passed are Tony the Tiger 1935-2010, Charms the Leprechaun 1942-2010, Coco the puff bird 1954-2010, Trix the rabbit 1959-2010 and Frankin Berry 1971-2010. We at Redneck news send our condolences to their families and friends this evening.

Phone calls began pouring into the Los Angeles police department today starting at around 10 am to 4:30 this afternoon reporting the deaths of the celebrities. A caretaker for Tony the tiger arrived at his house this morning to find Tony in his bathroom of his 12 bedroom mansion in Hollywood. Reports say Tony was found face down in his bath tub filled with milk and a banana up his a$$.

Bo Berry the cousin of Frankin Berry had dropped by to pay a visit and found Frankin Berry in his hot tub scalded to death by boiling milk. Long time friend Tucan called 911 around noon today when he discover CoCo in the back yard with a clear plastic bag filled with chocolate milk duct taped over CoCo's head. Manager and road agent for Charms the Leprichaun reported finding "Lucky"stuffed in his pot of gold smothered by a box of his own product "Lucky Charms" he stated that Lucky's luck must have ran out.

Around 4:30 this afternoon motel manager called police when he found Trix the rabbit in room 69 A at the sleaze way motel. Trix was reported found in the shower with leather strap around his neck and penis and a call girl's business card shoved in his mouth.

Police are looking tonight for the suspect or suspects, also lead detective Jack Webb feels with the evidence found at each murder scene, they suspect they are dealing with a cereal killer. Excuse me I have just been handed an update.

This update states Police do have a suspect in custody for questioning a 47 year old house wife with 9 children from Burbank California. Ms. Juanita Lopez. After several hours of interrogation Ms. Lopez finally confessed to the murders. When asked why she did it, her reply was "have you ever taken nine kids down the cereal isle at the grocery store? Screaming and yelling, momma get this one, no get that one, oh no get this one with the prize it. It's enough to drive a person insane, so yes I wanted those mother f()ckin cereal pushers dead." End of quote.

I am Harry Hangnail and this has been a Redneck News Network special report. We now return you to your regularly scheduled vine threads already in progress.

Redneck News Network-RNN- Police stand off with "The Easter Bunny"

From the desk of Harry Hangnail

This breaking story just in. Police have surrounded a farmers chicken coop in Screamin Holler West Virginia. It seems that the Easter Bunny has barricaded himself inside and taken three to four hens hostage. EB had demanded someone somewhere to get him the help he needs or he will commit suicide but not until he takes a few clucking b!tches with him, sources have stated.

EB's problems started several months ago but RNN did not have enough information to report the story. It seems The Easter Bunny really took it hard when the Obama administration put out warrants for Santa Claus's arrest June 24th of this year, this just may have put EB in a tail spin. Sources close to RNN said the Easter Bunny has been going to counseling for some time now for A.D.S which has taken a toll on EB for the last few years.

A.D.S. is animal displacement syndrome. We spoke with a professor at Oxford University in Oxford Arkansas who is an expert on human and animal sexual behavior and this is what he had to say about A.D.S

Doctor Demsi Duck: " A.D.S in the animal world is the exact same disorder that we see in humans such as trans-genders, lesbians and gays. Some are attracted to the same sex while others feel they are a man or a woman trapped in the other sex's body. Mr. Bunny is going through the exact same thing with animal displacement syndrome. At birth he was born with a part of the hen's anatomy that produces eggs, so while he looks like a rabbit he feels more like a hen. If Mr. Bunny's parents had corrected this at birth it may have cured the A.D.S. Hey it was something he was born with, it wasn't as if one morning he woke up and said G'damn it I want to be a hen. Yes, Mr. Bunny can live with A.D.S but the mental damage has already been done. I am sure there are some selective surgeries that would ease Mr. Bunny's pain but until someone stands up and speaks out for the animals civil rights with A.D.S they will be those out there that call him a freak, say it is his choice he is this way, not allow him to attend religous services, tell him God hates him. I just wish this all turns out well for Mr. Bunny."

We also had a chance to speak with life time friend of EB's The hare and asked him to share with us how EB's condition has deteriorated these last few months. Here are Mr. hare's comments: "Well as you know A.D.S is a b!tch, this whole having fur and a fuzzy tail but laying colored hard boiled eggs really has EB f()cked up. About three months ago he sold his hole in the country and moved into that chicken coop on the farm, thats when I think things turned bad for ole EB. We were at the bar just a few nights ago and he told me that it was not going very well. The hens didn't want him living there because he couldn't cluck, they made fun of him. They would say to him things like "Come on now you tell me when the hell is it normal for a male rabbit to lay colored hard boiled eggs. Next you will be saying a cow jumping over the moon is norm". I mean EB was saying that he just wanted to be like the other hens, he was telling me he had thought about having a complete animal change so he would fit in. I knew my old buddy EB had lost it when he kept telling me the rooster at the end of the bar was winking at him and he knew that Foghorn Leghorn wanted to screw his brains out. I told him he needed to f()ckin suck it up, he had thousands and thousand of children supporting him. Look at me, how would you like to go through life as being the f()ckin Hare that got beat in a race by a G'damn turtle; he should be damn proud to squirt out a few colored eggs"

Since we have started reporting this breaking story police have brought in a negotiator, Detective Big Bad Wolf. Who stated if EB didn't come out he would huff and puff and blow that son of a b!itchin chicken coop in, then drag him out by his f()ckin ears and kick his fuzzy a$$.

Oh this just in, EB has surrendered and voluntarily check himself into the West Virginia hospital for the Mentally challenged for treatment. I am Harry Hangnail and we will bring updates to you as they progress. We now return you to your regularly vine articles already in progress.

Elroy built the place from the ground up with his own two hands, and became a hero in the community.

The trouble started when one of the kids under his care lost a lollipop up her nose, fell off the top of the slide, and impaled herself on a rusty piece of fencing that Elroy was about to screw back into place. The fence had been damaged the night before in the storm, and Elroy was nothing if not diligent about putting things back together.

I was interviewing him for the insurance company. He couldnt understand how it could have happened, and he was clearly distraught.

"All of our children are screened for this kind of thing," he told me. "Their parents, too. We go back to every American generation available to make sure this cant happen."

I asked him how many generations he usually found.

"At least three."

"Wow," I said. "Thats impressive. I couldnt even tell you where my grandfather was born—he always refused to talk about his family back in Ireland. Something about a nun, thats all we ever knew."

"Well, if we cant go back at least three generations, then they go to the waiting list."

"How long do they spend on the waiting list, usually?"

"However long it takes before their parents find them another day care."

Little Wonders Day Care was the most exclusive place in the county. The only place Elroy needed to advertise was in the Catholic school bulletin, because word of mouth is powerful around here. Once it got out that he only accepted 5% of applicants, every parent wanted their kid at Little Wonders.

Plus, it was cheap, and I couldnt figure out how he did it. On the first day of my visit, he and the board—a group of eleven middle-aged men and women from the community—met with me in a huge conference room on the top, third floor of the building, which looked out onto the playground through plate-glass windows that hung all the way from the ceiling to the floor. They walked me through the daily schedule and all the benefits of attending Little Wonders.

"Our children are supervised by the most wonderful guardian angels imaginable," Elroy bragged.

"Those are their teachers—sorry—day care providers?—I'm not sure what to call them."

"However you want to look at it," he said. "They teach, they provide, they guide and nurture—these children are very well prepared not only for school, but for life."

They showed me where the kids spent their time. The basement and entire first floor were lined with classrooms with huge doors covered in the kinds of decorations I would have expected anywhere—fingerpaintings, macaroni artwork, paper animals, cotton-ball portraits, etc. The classrooms themselves were color-coordinated—there was a blue room, a red room, yellow, orange, green, purple, pink, maroon, magenta, @!$%#ing chartreuse for crying out loud. In all, there were 18 classrooms, and they were all filled to capacity for the next three years.

But the biggest room in the whole place was on the second floor, which was a single filing room that had four doors opening into the hallway.

"Fire code," he told me, with a smile. "Otherwise you wouldnt be able to make it out from one end to the other in time!"

I was impressed, though I worried about how long it would take me to check his paperwork. "Is this everything? Taxes, personnel files—how long does it go back?"

"It's all here, forever. I dont believe in throwing things away." At least he was thorough. "We go into great detail in our screening process, and everything is kept here for quick reference. It's very important that the children who attend Little Wonders are the most equipped to take advantage of our services."

The slogans scrawled in big lettering along the hallway walls indicated Elroy's whole approach. Compassion, Charity, Love, Selflessness, etc. The whole thing certainly seemed charitable. For less than the cost of a babysitter, these kids were getting the best day care I could imagine.

Halfway into my second week, I hadnt even had any time to go out and check on the daily activities, I was still going through his documentation. I had found Lucy's thirty-page application quite easily, but the rest of my time was spent uncovering more and more information about her parents; I kept wanting to visit a classroom, and Elroy kept inviting me out, but I couldnt spend all @!$%#ing month there and I still hadnt gotten to her stack of progress reports—"Guiding Lights," they were called—and sitting in a room full of drooling four-year-olds, as interesting as that sounded, kept slipping further and further down my list of priorities.

But I had to go to the town council meeting, because there was a small group of parents who had scheduled time to complain about the circumstances of Lucy's death, and it would look bad for the insurance company not to make an appearance. I arrived with my head full of numbers, reference letters, credit reports (quarterly), performance reviews, grocery receipts, utility bills, criminal checks—boxes and boxes of endless information. The place was the goddamn jackpot for identity thieves, if they could ever manage to get through the justifiably impressive security system.

As the meeting got going, having noticed that the only representatives from Little Wonders were Elroy and the board, half of whom were also sitting on the town council, I leaned over to one of the parents and asked her where all the teachers were—or whatever you're supposed to call them.

"Well," she said. "You're supposed to call them 'Guardian Angels.'"

"Yeah yeah," I said. "So where are they?"

She looked at me funny but didnt answer my question.

Elroy was the only one to get up to speak before I knew my insurance report was going to be easier than I thought. He was also the only one I stuck around to listen to, because even this godless twit knows it's bad form to vomit on a room full of regular people.

He got a pretty good round of applause when he went up to the podium, although I noticed that Lucy's parents were already in tears. I had planned to speak to them, once I made it through the paperwork, but I felt like I already knew them. He worked for the defense industry. She was an accountant. They both commuted more than an hour back and forth to their jobs, and Lucy was one of the "Early Risers"—children at the day care who were dropped off before 7am and picked up after 6. They had to pay a bit more for that privilege, but they certainly had the means.

Elroy began with a prayer, and then made his speech.

"I've never asked for much from this life," he said. "What I have, I built myself, and I am not indebted to any man.

"Little Wonders is a magical place, but you must put into it what you hope to get out of it—hard work, patience, self-determination, self-control, and personal responsibility.

"Some people have accused Little Wonders of neglect!" and here he pointed at the small group of parents surrounding Lucy's weeping mother and father, Jocelyn and Steve, who I knew were nice people because I had seen records of their charitable contributions.

"But you have to have faith," he said. "You all know that we have made every effort to guarantee that these children, and these parents," and here he just glared at them all, "are well-suited and deserving of the independence and sense of well-being that Little Wonders bestows on its charges.

"Our responsibilities are met every day. When something like this happens, you must ask yourself, 'Am I meeting my responsibilities? Have I done all I needed to do to prevent this tragedy? Have I worked hard enough, prayed hard enough, taken a true accounting of my own actions closely enough?'"

Then he opened his arms in a wide gesture. "Ladies and gentlemen, if the love and guidance of the glory of our heavenly father and his legion of angels sent to watch over our little ones as they romp and play through the classrooms and playgrounds of Little Wonders isnt enough to keep them safe, then you must ask yourself, what have I done, what has my child done, to bring the judgment of god upon us with such violence? If you look closely enough, I am sure you will find your own answers.

"But I can assure you of one thing, which is this: No child who has ever stuck anything so big as a lollipop up his or her nose will ever be allowed in Little Wonders Day Care again! Ever!"

I had my answers, that was for sure. But I kept it to myself as I bolted right the @!$%# out of that madhouse—it was turning into the kind of place non-believers dont escape from very easily, and, besides, the sick feeling coming up through my throat wasnt conducive to going off on an angry tirade in public. 

Afterward, I was sort of pissed, I'll admit—I had wasted almost two weeks of my life looking for a paper trail when all I ever needed to do could have been accomplished (and was, that very night) with a single sheet of paper, my signature, and one note scrawled across the top, addressed to my boss, who, like most insurance agents, isnt prone to putting up with bull@!$%#:

CHECK PAYROLL TAX RECORDS TO CONFIRM—NO STAFF ON SITE—PAYMENTS MADE IN PRAYERS TO ANGELS.

Not that Elroy wasnt making a nifty profit. Any moron can get good crafts material cheap at the Dollar Store, and those were his only expenses.

There's still a ton of crosses that gets stuck in the ground every morning around Lucy's grave, which is a huge gray stone carved, also, into the shape of a cross. I know it happens every morning because every night, late, in the dark, at different times, but always on my way home from work, which takes a bit longer these days as I have to go way out of my way, I go back to that graveyard and rip those crosses out of the ground. Then I take them home and burn each and every one. My neighbors think I've become obsessed with bonfires, and I do often invite them over for marshmallows and singalongs. But mostly I sit in front of the fire and cry.

I do have to go way out of my way, and, yes, they keep putting more crosses up. But it's worth it. We dont make any progress without lots of hard work. I learned that from Elroy.

By the time any of us had made it out to the playground, it looked like there had been a bloodbath, except for the missing blood.

But something was horribly wrong. Everybody was laying in the dirt, crying, except for all the skinny kids, the fat kids, the kids with glasses, the kids with braces or still with buck-teeth, the kids with too-long hair or just bad haircuts, the kids whose pants were too short, or sewn together at the seams, the kids who were too dark, and that one kid who cant even go out in the sun without putting on protective outerwear, the kids with calculators still in their front shirt pockets, for that matter all the kids with front shirt pockets, whether there was anything in them or not, the flat-chested girls and the ample-breasted boys, and the big-footed boys and long gawky girls. For the first time in probably the history of the world, certainly of this school, all those kids were laughing.

It wasnt easy to find out what had happened. Recess aids around here usually keep their fingers up their noses and their heads up their asses. It's usually not worth getting involved until somebody needs the nurse, and the physical assaults tend to happen too quickly, and the bullies travel in highly organized packs that only look chaotic from the outside, but which means that it's impossible to tell who hit the kid with the obviously bloody nose even as it's happening. This is farm country, which tends to make the cliques even worse, and the hierarchy of power and control at the high school level is nearly immovable.

There was one kid—Clay—who couldnt even talk, he was crying so much. He had gone into that hysterical, hyperventilating stage of sobbing—the kind whose only response is something between abject fear and equally hysterical laughter. But it was impossible to keep out the laughter without letting some giggling through, which I felt absolutely horrible about, especially when I remembered what had happened in class that morning.

Clay had turned in another piece of @!$%# writing assignment. It wasnt just full of typos and ridiculous claims—it looked like he had taken the worst of every other paper he ever wrote, mixed everything up with the worst lines from the papers all his idiot friends had produced, and scrawled it out in a rushed moment in between taking a leak and stepping into the janitor's closet for a smoke.

It was titled, "Evrybody kNows geeks & Girls our Fags..! (POLL----Is ELLA going to Hell? [YES!])"

I had had enough. Him and little gang of thugs had been stirring things up in English class ever since it was announced that Ella had made first-string quarterback. She had made it onto the team the year before as the placekicker, but when she kept getting up after Clay's friend Arnold kept late-hitting her in practice, the coach decided to give her a shot behind center, and, while she wasnt going to make All-Conference or anything, she could throw the ball better than the last QB we had, whose only success was had handing it off, and she could memorize more than two or three plays at a time, which made her the best QB this school had seen in almost a decade.

She also didnt try to @!$%# every cheerleader who came along, and that by itself was a dramatic improvement.

But the kids who used to roam through the halls like they owned the place werent amused. Their parents organized and went after the school board, trying to insert language into the district bylaws that only boys could play football. When that failed, the kids wrote letters to the school paper, which were mostly ignored because they had headlines that looked a lot like the title of Clay's latest masterpiece, and the letters themselves were usually even worse. Their last resort, which had actually already started the day after the team roster was posted, was to walk down the halls every single day screaming at the tops of their lungs that the school was the "worst school ever" or was "going right down the @!$%#ter" or was "never going to be the same again."

So when I read Clay's paper, I decided to make an example of him. I knew we weren't going to get much mileage out of our already malfunctioning overhead ELMO display, mostly because kids like Clay were failing all their classes and we were running out of funding, and so I'd been looking for ways to use it most effectively in the time we still had with it, and I put his paper on it and went line by line—each of his hilariously inexcusable mistakes of grammar, logic and common sense splayed up on the wall for everyone to see—correcting each part and demonstrating how a second-grader would have improved the thing in her sleep. By the end, my red pen was just about all you could see. It wasnt just a final defense of Ella, I thought at the time, it was a defense of everything intelligent and ambitious students stood for.

But that was my mistake. Ella wasnt in my class, but her friend Jason was, and the paper he turned in was the first draft of what he was intending to send to Yale as his application essay. He wasnt pleased that we had spent the whole class trying to convince Clay that he was a terrible writer and was on his way to becoming a terrible person.

"Why did you waste so much time with him?" he asked me after class.

"It's important to help those less fortunate," I told him.

"But why? He's a @!$%#ing @!$%#."

"Jason, stop."

"It looks like we're going to have to take matters into our own hands," he said. I asked him what he meant, and he told me I'd find out soon enough.

So I knew I'd have to break through the blubbering to find out why Clay and all his buddies were in such tatters. And that wasnt easy—all he did for the first hour he sat in my office was alternate between sobbing and muttering angrily "I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them."

I finally got him to come around by telling him how much I admired his father, even though I had never had any interest in visiting his magic shop. But it was legendary—the biggest in the state, or something. He had even built a coffee shop in the back of it, where connoisseurs of tricks and illusions from miles around still hang out on weekends and shoot the @!$%# about Houdini or Lazarus or the rest of them.

"You should have heard the things they said," he finally blubbered.

"What who said?"

"All the kids from the chess club."

"Is this before the fight?""

"What fight?"

"Wasnt there a fight?"

He sat back and smirked. "No. If there was a fight," he said, "WE WOULDA KICKED THEIR ASS!"

"So this is because some kids from the chess club said something to you? What did they say?"

"It wasnt just them—first they called us stupid—"

"Us who?"

"All of us—they didnt even care who they were talking to. First they started picking on me and Arnold. Then Jason and his stupid Mexican friend Jorge got up on top of the slide and said the wrestling team was a bunch of 'tights-wearing anorexics who love to play grab-ass.'"

I had stopped giggling but now I was just confused. The only response I could think of was, "Well, arent they?" but I didnt want to send him into another fit of despair so I just kept my mouth shut and let him finish.

"Then Ella and all her friends were walking around singing, 'boys, boys, boys' or something. But they were doing it so meanly. And then—I dont know, it just got even worse. They kept following us everywhere and telling us how dumb we were and that we couldnt do anything without our fists, and they made fists and shook them up and down like this—" and he imitated them imitating him, jerking his fist up and down, which I guess could have been either churning butter or beating off—in a town like this you can never tell, "and they called us 'fisters,' and they were singing, 'fisters, fisters, fisters—if it aint your fisters then it's your sisters' which DOESNT EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE," and he started crying again, but regained enough composure to finish, "And then Jason said with grades like mine I'd never amount to anything."

"Well, that was a mean thing to say," I told him. "So what happened next?"

"Thats what happened! I cant believe you dont believe me!"

I didnt know what to do, so I called his parents to come and take him home. And then, between me and the rest of the teachers, it took the better part of the rest of the day to talk to every one of the other jocks and bullies that had come off the playground in tears, and we sent them all home. A few came back over the next few days, but they were never the same, though some were able to refocus on their work and do pretty well. It was tough to feel bad once our funding improved.

The rest started homeschooling and most of them, I think, are actually studying under the tutelage of Mrs Spankmeier, who the district fired years ago for sticking magic wands up the asses of some of the weaker kids in her American History class.

The halls are actually louder these days—there's more interaction between the kids that doesnt involve tripping each other or pushing books to the floor. Our football team still cant win, but there's a sign above the entrance to the girls' locker room now, where more student-athletes than just Ella change before games these days, which reads:

Girls And Geeks Unite!

Redneck News Network 7/24/2010 from the desk of Harry Hangnail.

Looks like president Obama is bringing out the Big guns in gaining support for recently passed National health care plan. Obama stated in a press meeting Last week that he was going Dr. Seuss on their a$$ and will be recruiting Uncle sam. Uncle sam will be holding town meetings to explain the Health Care Plan. Obama picked Uncle Sam because of the similarities of his huge hat and the one that the cat in the hat wears. Obama wants to reach the younger up coming voting crowds as well so the book "Green eggs and ham" will be the format that Uncle Sam will be working as an outline.

Our field news woman Ima dumass caught up with Uncle Sam at on of the first town hall meetings in Biggernuts Mississippi. where she caught an interview with Uncle Sam and one of the Biggernut citizens, Here is the transcript below.

I am Uncle Sam

Uncle Sam I am

That Uncle Sam I am!
That Uncle Sam I am!
I do not like it Uncle Sam I am!

Do you like
Obama's healthcare scam
I do not like it, Uncle Sam I am.
I do not like
Obama's healthcare scam.

You know they passed it
because they really care

they did not pass it
because they care
I do not like it. it's not fair.

I do not like
Obama's healthcare scam.
I do not like it, Uncle Sam I am.

It passed with flying colors in house.
covers all Illegal aliens that enter from the south.

I do not care it passed the house
F()ck the illegals that enter from the south

They did not pass it
because they really care
I do not like it
It's not fair.
I do not like
Obama's healthcare scam
I do not like it,
Uncle Sam I am.

You know it will cover
Nancy's Botox.
And a Boob job
To make her a fox

Nancy needs more than Botox.
Not enough Whiskey to make Nancy a fox.
I do not care it passed the house
F()ck the illegals that enter from the south
they did not pass it
because they care
I do not like it. it's not fair.
I do not like
Obama's healthcare scam

I do not like it Uncle sam I am

I'm Harry Hangnail and that's Redneck News for Saturday July 27th 2010 Have a plesant weekend. RNN

Beck University is proud to offer students the chance to enroll in an education program that offers our students a real roll in making their education count. We have the finest of everything, we leave no stone unturned in seeking the truth, justice and the American way. Our motto is "one voice is the multitude".

Beck University is located in a secret corner of America where life is sweet, safe and reminds you of Mayberry RFD. We cannot divulge the location until you are accepted into our program.

Our faculty members are sharp, non-tenured and non-union, independent steel trap thinkers who will guide you to the proper way to be an American, speak like one and argue for your political side without worrying about race, creed or color. We do have a preference for Christians but if you can prove that you can accept our god then you are welcome.

Once you fill out all the forms and sign your loyalty oath, a group of like minded Americans will look over your application and decide if you meet the standards we strive for, we really need to see if your fee check will bounce or not before we make any determination of eligibility.

Here is a list of just some of what you will encounter once you make the grade and become a BU student.

Dorm rooms are monitored 24/7 so that you will always no that your morals are being watched over. Each dorm room comes with a bible, a copy of each book Sarah Palin has or will ever published (including children's books). And an autographed picture of Chancellor Glenn Beck-American-at-Large. All rooms smell like apple pie and Chevrolet interiors. All bathrooms are located outside which also smells like home baked bread.

The 'Fighting Teabag' football, baseball and hockey teams, the most sexy Cheerleaders and a stadium that also can be used as a make shift prison when needed.

Seperate but equal cafaterias, we don't want our American dishes to smell like tacos, French food, feta cheese or some strange fish soup. ( no salads offered, just meat, canned corn and many different kinds of potatoes)

All of our classes are taught in English only format without large words and difficult philosophical thinking.

Bars right on campus that are open 24/7 (stocked with only the finest domestic spirits and beers).

55 different chapels for you to pray in.

A VD clinic and a secret abortion doctor.

Our library has over a thousand books and a special Rouge section. We are constantly revising our history section so that you are brought the latest take on America and her history. Sorry we have no lending policy at this time, books are dangerous in the wrong hands.

We also are proud to have our own Fraternity, Kappa Kappa Kappa.

Here are just some of the classes we offer to the really open minded.

English Department

Proper Punctuation in Propaganda

Deranged Debate skills 101

Creative Writing for Conservatives

Editing the Truth with red pencil and sharpie pens

The Politics of Poetry

Philosophy Department

Black and White- How to see the world more simply

Obfuscation and the Obvious-turning your thinking upside down

The History of Communism in Philosophy- (they were all commie rats)

Math Department

Basic math-1+1 can equal anything 101

Higher Math- 1+1 can equal anything 102

Algebra is for Arabs

The Geometry of the half filled glass

Science Department

The Biological Principles of Creationism

The Anatomy of the Christian

Simple Geology-The 10, 000 Year History of Our Planet

The Environment and Jobs- Chose one or the other

Genetics, Sexuality and the Conservative family-how to make only conservative babies

Art Department

How to Paint like Norman Rockwell

Drawing with Undocumented Conclusions

Revised Realism in Printmaking- how to print a proper poltical sign

Painting large eyed Children and Puppies for Fun and Profit

Non-nudity in Sculpture

Making Art that looks like Something- making the real more real

Business Department

Profits 101

Profits 102

Profits 102 and 1/2

Destroying the Working Class for Fun and Profit

Screwing the Tax Man for Profit

How to Profit while not looking Profitable

The Profit of Profits

Computer Studies Department

Raw Meat Web Page Design

Avoiding the Enemy when Browsing

Security and Dirty Computer Tricks

The Internet- How not to trust anything you read

Physical Education Department

Winning is Everything (required course for all students)

Football- for Real Men

How to Swim with Dead Fish and Tar Balls in the Water

Running From Villagers- How not to be run out of town on a rail

Boxing with Straw Men

Wrestling without you Genitals Touching

Political Science Department

Uncivil Civics

How Lies become Unalienable Truths

Forming an Argument without Listening

The Rightiousness of Stiffling Debate

God and Party

Jingoism for Political Profit

Pandering without Guilt

These are just some of the classes we offer to fill your brain to full capacity. We want our students to always have an answer, an argument and a way to fill your opponents with fear and consternation. At Beck University, we strive everyday to make our students and our country into the greatest, most happy and most prosperous nation on earth, so help us god.

So, sign up for the most unequal education we can offer and become a BU student.

Our rallying cry is " We put the BS in U".

So, come on, fill out your forms and send in that check to Beck University, become a 'Fighting Teabag' today. You'll be glad that we are glad you did.

I posted on one of Hugo's articles "In case the plane goes down" or something close to that. I posted a couple of lines that I use in some of my stand up skits. So I thought I would type the whole routine for you. Well not the whole routine it goes from airplanes to buses and then taxi's.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen you know there is something you may not know about me. I am scared to death of flying, I don't know there is just something about turning around to say good bye to your loved ones at an airport and reading the sign above your head that says "Terminal" f()cking terminal last I recall there is no cure for that. I have flown a few times but I will tell you the damn airport bar is glad to see me come in when I have to fly. I got on a plane to go to Fort Dodge Kansas one time and was seated next to this really nice looking lady around my age and we began to talk as the plane was just about to take off.

We exchanged some conversation as I felt the ground leave the wheels of the plane, I told her that I was going to a convention. She said "oh really so am I." I thought as pretty as she was and the make up she was wearing it must have been an Avon or Mary K convention so I asked her if she was going to a beauty products convention....and right then is when I wish could have bailed from the plane, she said "no I am going to a survivors of air crash victims convention. My boyfriend was killed in a crash a little over a year ago. I am speaking at the convention" Now if that just don't scare the sh!t out of ya. I am thinking hummmm Lady the last thing I want to hear as we leave the ground is about crashing. She asked if I wanted her to explain. I of course said no.

I know I know some of you will say Knowlton if it is your time to go, it's your time to go. Well yeah I have no doubt about that but Hell I don't want to be sitting next to someone that has done something so bad that he has to go right then and take 257 other people with him.

I was on another flight and had gotten seated when the stewardess came by and I stopped her and said "I understand that they know how much jet fuel to put on this plan by the amount of weight it will be carrying." she said "Well you correct they do." I told her "hey lady I got a credit card just fill it up. G'damn I would hate to crash because some b!tch said she was 120lb when she's pushing 305. And the other thing that scares me is if you have a blow out on an engine you can't pull that son of a b!tch over to the shoulder and call triple A towing, no your pretty well f()cked at that point.

Also they will go as far as asking you to volunteer, you know the emergency exits. God forbid you get seated next to that bastard. All that is, is a way for you to say hell yeah I will pull the door and let every f()cker trample me to death trying to get out of the plane. Or you get a fat a$$ that pulls the exit hatch and gets stuck and the rest of you are screwed. I have never been accused of being a hero, so the exit door puller job is not for me.

Another thing I think is just horse sh!t. When you get seated the stewardess with give the flight emergency plan instructions. The first one is in case you have an emergency landing....why don't they just say crash....on land. They tell you to tuck your head and torso knee level. what the F()ck. I can hear the paramedics when they arrive. What the hell was he doing when they crashed, well I am not well endowed....so I guess I was just kissing my a$$ good bye. The other is in case the plane goes down over the ocean....the stewardess told us that our seats could be used as a floatation devise....No f()ck....I am thinking the last thing I want after going down in the ocean at 500 fukin miles per hour, ripped up by falling metal and glass. yeah the last thing I want is to be floating on a bobber squirting blood out of my body waiting for a shark to come along and chew the rest of my a$$ off.

The last flight I got on the stewardess asked me where my seat was. I looked at the ticket and said the little black box. She goes I don't understand sir, the little black box. I said yes the little black box, because if we crash that is the only thing that survives and when you open it you will see my little a$$ crammed in there smiling, saying I made it and I ain't flying no more.

Good night everyone you have been great and if you tip your waitresses make sure you stand them back up when your done.

Has political news got you down? Are the same old arguments not giving you the political motivation you need?

Well wake up and get re-energized because it all doesn't have to be that bad. I am bored with the infighting and minutae of the fight these days and I thought it was time for a change, so here goes, Headlines I would like to see in the news.

Headline-Sarah Palin mauled to death by a Grizzly Bear.

Today while visiting the great grandson of Gentle Ben, Sarah Palin was mauled during a photo shoot with the bear known as Gentle Ben 3. Ben's handler had this to say about the incident 'I told her he didn't like to be kissed and winked at, she didn't listen". Her body will be returned to her poltical action committee.

Headline-Was John Boener the cause of an orange oil slick in Public Pool?

hundreds of people were evacuated from a public swimming pool in Washington DC today after a mysterious orange slick was discovered near the deep end of the pool where John Boener had been swimming in moments before. When asked if he was at fault for the incident, Boener said "It's Obama's fault, I refuse to pay the tanning booth tax".

headline-The GOP has asked Lebron James to run against Obama in the next election.

when asked about this Michael Steele said "Well I told the party you gotta have a brother to beat a brother".

headline-BP executives to kill themselves.

Today in the news BP executives have decided to commit seppuku (ritual suicide) because they are just so darned embarrassed for making a huge profit while the oil spill continues. It has been suggested by some that they use dull butter knifes during the rite.

headline-Mike Huckabee to change name for politics.

Mike Huckabee has announced that he will change his name to better serve the public. He will now be known officially as Jimmie Huckabee.

Headline-Right wing Christian Evangelical Conservatives are disappearing. Is it Rapture time again already?

Headline-Lindsey Graham to marry.

Exciting news today for the GOP, Lindsey Graham is getting married to GOP stalwart Glenn Beck. Glenn said "he is just so darned cute, I couldn't keep my eyes off of him". It was rumored that this happened rather quickly when Glenn found out the Obama White House found out he is not an american citizen and is working on deporting him to Bangaladesh where he was born.

Headline-Rush Limbaugh to help with BP oil leak.

Today in the news Rush Limbaugh has decided to help out with the oil leak in the gulf. A large tanker will transport Rush to the site where he will be plunged down into the water till his anus covers the leak. BP executives are positive this will finally stop the leak and clean the air too.

Headline-Todd Palin to start Political PAC.

Todd Palin announced a new political PAC today TODDPAC will now accept donations for his next snowmobile run. When asked why Todd said "Sarah is hoarding all that loot and I want some too, snowmobiles ain't cheap you know".

Headline-Mitch Mconnell is still dead inside.

headline-Republican pets live longer than Democratic pets.

Fox news reports today that republican pets live longer than democrats pets. Asked why this is, a Fox news representative said "because we say they do".

headline-Obama to step down from the White House.

Today the White house is reporting that President Obama will step down from the White House and onto the White House lawn.

Headline-God, Still not listening!

Headline-Alaska to physically succeed from Canada.

Today a lot of Alaskans are getting out their chain saws in order to cut their state off the Canadian border. Local chain saw aficionado Seymour Blood said "we will get this done and then try to take our oil America." Russia is reported to be making a giant ball glove to catch the wayward state as it floats by.

Headline-George Bush is still in hiding.

When asked about this Mrs. Barbara Bush said "he is not allowed to come out and play till he eats his oat meal".

Headline-Late Breaking News, Sarah Palin's badly mauled body to run for higher office.

SARAPAC annouced soon after learning that Sarah Palin was mauled and killed today by a grizzly bear that they were still going to achieve the impossible, the first woman President. Spokesman Jimmy Huckabee said "hey it wasn't like she was going to do much anyway".

Headline-Newt Gingrich has really been turned into a newt. He will not get better!

Headline GOP finally says they are sorry!

Today Michael Steele said "sorry for the Bush years America, what can I say".

Well there you have it, my headline news. enjoy.

This is an earlier draft from Bush II written in October 2008 at his Crawford ranch, on what qualifies a person to be President. Wow, I had no idea! Enjoy!! What it Takes to be President: by GWB

Ever wonder why air piracy never really caught on?

I just thought of it and there are really a lot of logistical problems with it and I put together a list of the typical hold ups for the aspiring air pirates out there.

1, Fuel is expensive. Unless you are already rich, fuel will be hard to come by. You can't just drive off after filling up like a gas station, there is a little more to it than that.

2, Pulling up beside your target is inherently unsafe. So far, nobody has been successful in boarding another air plane to grab the loot.

3, If you want to use cannons, they need to be secured really well. They also don't work at high altitudes because once you open the cannon port, all the air goes away.

4, Piloting an air plane is really hard. You would probably make a better living if you went out and got a pilot's license and a job flying them professionally than trying to run a pirate ship.

5, Adding a crow's nest makes your ship aerodynamically unstable. Sure, it lets you see farther away but at 35000 feet, who cares? Besides, there is a neat thing called RADAR and it works much better.

6, Swords and flint locks are frowned upon. Since the seats are so small and uncomfortable already, these things just get in the way and make the flight less enjoyable. Just getting them in board is difficult these days at nearly every airport.

7, Finding a crew that does not turn out to be a bunch of pansies is a real challenge. Most of the men you might find have problems with the profession and probably couldn't get permission from their mothers or boyfriends to join the crew to start with. The women are better suited for the work but generally not as strong. (Though I have seen a few that can hold their own)

8, Raising the Jolly Roger is hazardous. Just like opening the cannon ports, as soon as you open the door to raise the flag, all of the air goes away. Some times, the crew member also disappears out the door.

9, Keeping a parrot on your shoulder might look cool but there is the issue with the white stripes down your back. They are messy and if you are not careful, they will rip your ear to shreds.

10, Don't wear an eye patch! If you only have one good eye, you might want to choose a different career. Depth perception is a bit on the important side here.

11, If you have a hook in place of a hand, the controls might be a bit difficult to operate. Throttle handles are about all you can deal with, the switches and buttons are just too small to operate when the hook is so much bigger than they are.

12, Peg legs are also discouraged. Air planes have so many controls to deal with that you need both hands AND both feet to use them.

13, Landing on a deserted island to bury or retrieve your treasure is extremely difficult. Runways for effective landings and take-offs don't exist on these islands.

14, You can't just drop anchor and wait for your next target. Your pirate ship needs to keep moving to stay in the air. This uses even more of that expensive fuel and will eventually bring you down.

15, Launching a dingy to haul the loot to shore does not work from an air plane either. Paddles and manpower just don't cut it when trying to utilize one. Even an outboard motor lacks sufficient power to keep it in the air, let alone taking off at all. Then there is that pesky air/door problem again too.

16, More and more countries are better prepared to deal with you that you might think. They have defensive forces that can easily find you, chase you down and take you out of the air with the push of a button.

Well, I hope this discourages all of you aspiring air pirates from considering this for a lucrative career.

This has been a public service announcement.

Sung to that wonderful Wizard of OZ song "If I only Had a Brain", Please sing along at the top of your lungs.

I could while away the hours, conferrin' with world powers,

pickin' at their brains,

And my head I'd be a scratchin' while my plots were busy hatchin',

If I go against the grain.

I could unravel every problem for people who are sobbin',

in trouble or in pain.

I know the thoughts that I am a thinkin',

could make me the next Abe Lincoln,

If I go against the grain.

Oh, I could tell you why the oil is close to shore

so I might think of things you never thunk before,

and then I'll make you sit and think some more,

I would just be a meadow muffin

if my brain were full of turkey stuffin',

my heart filled with things that I abhor,

I could dance and never be called a fairy,

life would be more homoginized with dairy,

If I go against the grain.

This is a direct result of someone making a comment from my comment, art moves in mysterious ways. Enjoy.

Grandpa came over today to visit and drink some coffee. Had a great chat and he was in a very unusual good mood. My grandpa grew up during the great depression and has always been very thrifty with his money. So a pair of new boots for him was a major purchase. Most times he would go to the thrift store or he would say "back in the day son we had shoe shops." He said that you could pick up a good used pair for a few bucks. Sometimes someone would come in to have a pair repaired and never return to pay the ticket and the cobbler would put them up for sale. When I was touring I always had a very nice pair of boot to wear on stage, either snake, lizard or ostrich skin. My grandpa would tell me when I came off the road to visit "Boy you pay to damn much for them boots. Me and your grandma could take a weeks vacation on what you spend on them boots". I would just laugh and tell him that I would get him a pair just like mine. Well he let me know right then and there, I would do no such thing. He said he didn't need any boots that fancy.

Just so happens today when he came over, he came to show me his new boots. The first new pair he has had in twenty-five years. He was smiling from ear to ear. They were pretty neat boots, a good bull leather made by Justin boot company. He told me that he had decided to treat himself to something nice for Fathers day and he told me he almost backed out when the sales man told him they were $275.00. He told the sales man "What the hell I ain't gettin' no younger I will wear home, put my old ones in the box."

He said he went home and wore the boots all day around the house, took grandma out grocery shopping and then to the mall and he said "you know she didn't notice my new boots. She didn't say a word of how nice they looked." Sometimes my grandma can be a little ornery to grandpa but she must love him since they have been married for 64 years. Grandpa said it did hurt his feeling a little but the more he thought about he said the more mad he got. He said " The nerve of that woman as many things as I have bought for her and I buy one pair of new boots in 25 years and she doesn't notice." So he told me "Son I was going to fix her wagon and she will have to notice."

Grandma was lying in bed reading a book when grandpa came into the bedroom and told he was going to take a shower before bed. He went in the bathroom took his shower and came out of the bathroom with nothing but his new boots on and shouted at grandma, "Hey Mable do you notice any thing different" (pointing at the lower half of his body). Grandma looked up from reading her book and said "Nope Monroe everything looks the same." Grandpa pointed again and said "Mable, honey are you sure you don't notice something different." Grandma slowly closed her book and peered over her reading glasses and said "Nope Monroe everything looks the same. Your Johnson is hanging down looking at the floor like it always does, like it did yesterday, the day before in fact just like it has for the last ten years."

Well Grandpa said that pissed him off and he told her " You're damn right Mable and do you know why he's looking down at the floor, He is looking at my new boots. What do you say about that Mable?"

Grandma with out missing a beat said, "Monroe maybe you should have bought a HAT!!!! Good night dear"

My favorite dogs are Golden retrievers. They have a very good disposition are great with children and older adults. They are very smart dogs as well. Abagail was very easily trained at commands and also going outside to do her business. The funny thing about Abagail is I bought her to be an inside dog, but the first day I brought her home she demanded to be outside and most of the time that is where she stayed. I would let her in the house when I come home from work in the morning and spend some time with her before going to bed. She is a great dog and I can't wait for her to get a little older I really want to send her to bird school, to be trained to hunt quail, pheasant and some other birds that we hunt in this area. I really don't want her to get involved with ducks because retrievers have such thick coats.

Well Abagail is about 8 months old now and as I said she likes to stay outside and visit with me in the mornings. Monday morning she pulled a good one on me. You see when I get off of work I come home and change into sandals, shorts and a T shirt. I put my uniform on the clothing chair next to the bed but before I do I take my wallet, checkbook and other things out of the pockets and put them on the night stand. I normally cook my supper and take with me since my eating schedule is pretty whacked.....to me supper is around 2:30 or 3:00 am. but not this past Sunday night, I decide I am going to just pick something up in the vending machines at work. I stop by the ATM on the way to work so I had a bunch of quarters, dimes and nickels left over after I had gotten my food and soda. That Monday morning I just take the handful of quarters, dimes and nickels and through them on the night stand in a pile along with some other change that was there.

Abagail comes running in all glad to see me and I am busy hanging my uniform on the chair and I hear cough and gag. I look over and she had both paws up on the night stand and a mouth full quarters, nickles and dimes. I yell at her to spit them out but the pup that is still in her figured that I wanted to play a game of chase. She takes off running through the house and out the doggy door. I am right behind her the more I yell the more she thinks it's a game. I open the door so fast I forget to move and whack myself in the forehead.....son of a b!tch......I finally catch up with her after a good ten minute chase and she is panting I look all over the yard and can't find any of the money so I know she has had to swallow it. Now I get worried because I don't know how many of the coins she has digested. So I go in and call the vet and he said to go ahead and bring her in.

I get there and the first thing he wants to do is X-rays. I figure O.K. at least we can see if she swallowed anything and how many. I wait in the exam room while they haul little Abagail to be X-rayed. 45 minutes later she and the vet comes back and he showed me the film. She had swallowed 5 quarters 6 dimes and 4 nickels. I asked him could this be dangerous and he said that he wanted to keep her overnight to make sure they don't get lodged in the intestine. So I bid my little Abagail farewell and leave her at the vet hospital and go home and go to bed. I get up for work Monday evening and go in put in my 8 hours and come home early Tuesday morning. Well the first Thing I do is call the vet hospital to check on Abagail.

I get a hold of the doctor and ask him how Abagail was doing and he told me.......NO CHANGE YET.!!!!!! ROFLMAO........Enjoy and have a great day....

The Job I had before taking this job was one that set me up pretty well financially. It was a good job, I got to do a lot of traveling to a lot of cities across the country and one of the perks was I got to play golf on some of the best courses across the county. The only thing about my job was I got a lot of ribbing and teasing because I was a sales representative for a major manufacture of Tampons. Giggle and laugh if you must but someone had to do it and it payed very well. One of my trips took me to a large convention in Virginia beach and I had a free day so I went to Kempsville golf course to play a round of golf.

It was a great day to play golf and I had made it to the third hole when I heard someone say "yooh who, sir can you help me." Well I looked up and saw this very pretty blond who was trying to make a shot on the second hole. I asked hee What I could help her with and she said that she was confused at what hole she was at. I told her I was playing the 3rd hole she was one hole behind me so that would make her playing the second hole. She thanked me and I continued on. Well I got to the 7th hole and once again I hear her hollering at me and waving. she said "excuse me sir your going to think I am just stupid but I have forgot what hole I am playing again. I told her I was playing the 7th hole and she was one hole behind me so that would put her at playing the 6th hole. She thanked me once again and I continued to play on.

I get to the 12 hole and wouldn't you know it here she is again wanting me to tell her which hole she was playing so again I told her I am playing the 12th hole your one hole behind me so you are on the 11th hole. I finally get to the 18th hole when she shows up again and says "I hate to be a pest but what hole am I playing?" I told her that I was at the final hole which is the 18th hole and she was one hole behind me so she was playing the 17th and the next hole she would play would be the 18th.

I make my last shot and head to the club house to have a beer and relax, as I am sitting there the young woman comes in. She comes over to where I am setting and asks if she can set down and buy me a drink for being so helpful and not getting aggravated at her while I was playing golf. I told her sure, so she buys me another beer and we start talking. she asked me why I was in town and I told her I had a convention to go to tomorrow. The she asked the dreaded question of what I did for a living. So I told her that I was a sales representative for Tampons. She broke out in laughter which embarrested me. Then I told that there was nothing funny about what I did for a living and that it payed very well.

She regained her composure and said that she was not laughing at what I did for a living she was laughing because she was in town for a convention and she was a sales representative for preparation H......so she was still one hole behind me.

Have you ever had that one friend whom you trust with your life, one that you grew up with and just inseparable? I do his name is Richard were grew up as kids in the cotton fields of Arkansas. When he was about 14 I even taught him to play the banjo and we formed a little group, all through the years we remained best friends. In high school the Seniors all got together for a senior trip, they decided to go to Florida to the beach, well Richard and I decided we were going somewhere different. Richard and I had over the years spent many days and night on the fishing banks in our little area of the world. In 1981 our senior year we decided that we were leaving the state of Arkansas and doing some major fishing in Canada, so we did. This started our yearly tradition of our trip to Moose Jaw Manitoba Canada. Even over the years when we would move away to a different town or state we made that yearly trip together. What fun we had in a tradition lasting over two decades.

Well a couple of years ago, Richard and I got together to take that trip but unlike all the other years he talked me into waiting and going ice fishing. Now I will tell you I have been Ice fishing one time......and that was on that trip. There is just something about being from Arkansas that says it doesn't get that damn cold to freeze ice thick enough that it will not break through on ya......Just a fear I have but anyway. We take from Arkansas in December of the year we went Ice fishing.

We drove through Missouri and got half way through Minnesota when we ran into a freak blizzard in the ruel area of Minnesota where there is no trees or house for at least 40 miles. I tell Richard we need to pull over and wait out the storm. Hell no not him he says Knowlton you worry to much, Hell I been trucking through this kind of stuff for the last 20 years. So we keep going or should I say crawling. The wind is howling and the snow is so thick you cant even see the yellow line or a foot in front of your face. I keep on at him to lets stop and wait out the storm, which he informs me the nearest town is 30 miles up the road. My a$$ was so draw-ed up you couldn't have shoved a pin in it with a 40lb sledge hammer, it was scary.

After going about 2 miles I told him to look off to the left it look like there was a farm house just off the road. I pleaded with him to pull in and see if we could just wait the storm out there. The wind and snow was getting harder and I know that they wouldn't have the snow plow out until the morning. He gave in and we pulled into the front yard and walked in to a screened in front porch and knocked on the door. A young woman in her mid 30's came to the door and asked what we wanted. We told her that we were on our way to Canada to ice fish and got caught in this storm and wondered if we could wait the storm out overnight there.

She said that she was very sorry but, that her husband had recently passed away and it might not look good to the neighbors if she had two men staying there overnight. I told her I understood and respected what she was saying but that we really needed a place to stay. She said that if we had sleeping bags that there was a barn about 50 yards from the house that we could stay in. She said that her husband had built it last summer and put a heating unit in for the thoroughbred horses he raised and sold. We told her that would be just fine. So Richard and I thanked her and went to the Cherokee Jeep to get out sleeping bags and headed through the snow to the barn.

It was one of the most amazing barns I had ever seen. each stall had a heat above it that blew the warm air down on the horses. Needless to say we stayed warm all night and I slept like a baby. I took my sleeping bag over next to the hay stacked near the stall and passed out. The next morning the sun was out and the plows had the road cleared and we went on our way.

We spent a week fishing and camping and having a good time, then we headed back to Arkansas. Well then about nine months later I get a letter in the mail from the lawyer of the woman who let us stay in the barn. I read the letter and said Son of a b1tch you have got to be kidding me. I couldn't believe it so I read it again, Sh1t no f@ckin way. So I get on the phone and I call my best friend Richard. I asked him "Hey buddy do you remember our fishing trip about nine months ago?" He replied that yes he did remember the trip and that he thought it was about the best trip we ever had up there. I then asked him if he remembered us staying in the barn and he replied yes he remembered. I asked him "Richard did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay that young lady a visit?" He said " Well Knowlton I am a little embarrassed but yes I did." Then I asked him another question "Richard when you payed her a visit did you by chance use my name, number and address." He replied "Knowlton man I am so sorry but yes I did. I know it was wrong and again I am real sorry"

Well I had to let him know so I told him "Well I just want you to know that I got a letter from her lawyer today and do you want to know something. SHE DIED AND LEFT THE FARM AND ALL MONEY TO ME!!! THANKS OLE BUDDY!!"

RNN- Redneck News Network Saturday Headline

From the desk of Harry Hangnale

6/12/2010 05:33am

The disaster in the halls of congress has created one of the biggest Bull Sh!t spills in history. The B.S. that is flowing from congress is causing more damage than the oil spill in the gulf. Because of the B.S spewing from Washington we see that more Americans are with out jobs. But congress has promised to try and patch the hole in the political break down. As we Americans sit and watch the many attempts that have been made over the course of several months we see that the Bull Sh1t is growing. At first congress tried the jobs creation bill, which proved not to create as many jobs as promised. This caused the B.S spill to grow creeping across the entire country effecting both coast lines.

secondly they moved to health care where we saw the split widen across America as congress gushed out thousands of gallons of Bull Sh!t in buy off promises to states and behind closed door deals. Sources say that there even maybe thousands of gallons of Bull Sh!t that we are not even aware of. Turning to illegal immigration more B.S. on top of B.S.

All Americans are concerned about the Bull Sh!t spill, all the way down to presidents daughter as she asked her father the question "Daddy have you plug the hole yet." And president Obama in a press meeting today stated that he is tired of the B.S that is flowing uncontrollably from congress and that he would like the run down of where it is coming from so he knows whose a$$ to kick.

I love the weekends it is a time when I don't have to go into work and I can just stay around the house and get some things done. Well this past weekend started out pretty good. I got off of work 7am, I work third shift. Got home around 7:30 checked my answering machine and my girlfriend said that she was coming over to spend the day with me. I thought hell yeah defiantly going to be a great day. So I took a shower, shaved and put on my favorite sleeveless T-shirt, sandals and cut offs. I went outside and took a look at the garden and it really needed to be weeded, but I thought nah it can wait because the girlfriend is coming over a little later.

I turned on the radio to listen to some tunes, when the weather report came on, hot and dry for the day with temps in the lower 90's. So I fix a glass of tea and head to the shade trees where I have my hammock, and I kick back. A few hours go by and here comes the girlfriend, she pulls up in the yard, gets out and comes to greet me. Oh what a greeting, she is such a sweet thing, and not afraid to get a little wild if you know what I mean but that's another story. We sit and talk for a little when then she said Knowlton that garden looks terrible it needs to be weeded. I told her I know, that's what I thought also.

Well she told me to lay back down on my hammock and she would weed the garden, how sweet of her. I was out of tea so I asked her before she started on the garden if she would mind grabbing me a beer and that angel brought me a beer along with the latest edition to Field and Stream to read. I sure enjoyed watching her weed that garden, there is something about dark haired southern girl in tight jean shorts and tan legs that is pleasant to the eye. That girl can bend in incrediable positions.

About 30 minutes later she finished the garden and asked if I wanted another beer, I told yes if it would be no trouble. She brings the beer to me in the hammock. I told her to sit in the shade with me for awhile but she said she needed to trim the hedges, they were starting to get to bushy. God what a woman, and all the time she was trimming the hedges she would check on me and bring me more beer. I thought now that's a woman a man can be proud of. After she finished with the hedges she once again came to check on me. I said "honey the weather man says it is already 92 and the humidity is a 80% why don't you take a break". Her response was oh no she needed mow the yard before it rained, once again she went and brought me a cold beer before starting to mow.

Halfway through the mowing, she looked over at me and I waved the beer can at her; so she stops mowing and goes inside to get me a beer. She comes back out and says honey your out of beer so I will go to the store and get another case for you. I gave her my bandanna to wipe her face with before she left, bless her heart she was sweating like a two dollar whore in a Baptist church. I will say that the low cut top was not bad to watch the sweat glistening on her cleavage. She returned with some Ice cold beer for me and brought the cooler filled with ice out to the hammock under the shade trees and got me all set up, then went back to mowing the lawn.

As she went to the back side of the house to mow, my neighbor who had been nosily watching the morning and early afternoon activities came outside and walked over to me and started chewing my A$$. I was minding my own business not bothering anyone just lying in the shade on my hammock drinking my cold beer when this nosey bitch makes it a point to get in mine and my girlfriends business. She came over and said "you lazy @ssed son of a bitch, you got that girl out there working her @ss off and then waiting hand and foot on you while you lay up there like a fat tick in that hammock.......you lazy bastard you should be HUNG!!!!!!"

In which I replied "It's none of your business but, I AM HUNG!! why do you think she takes such good care of me!!!!!!"

I always try to do the right thing by my fellow man, neighbor or even strangers. Whenever I see someone in need, if I am able I am always willing to lend a helping hand. I found out sometime back that being a good Samaritan doesn't always pay in the end. I found this out a few months back.

My Band "Cherokee Rose" had a one night gig at an Eagles club about 100 miles from where we lived. I called the drummer and asked if he wanted to go over early that Saturday morning with me and set the sound system and instruments up for the show. He said yes he would go with me then we could spend the day checking out some pawn shops and kick back for a few beers before doing the show that night.

The Bass player, the steel guitar player, and my other lead guitar player planned to ride over together later that day. I play fiddle, guitar and do most of the lead singing. The drummer came over early that Saturday morning and off we go. We make it to the Eagle club and it was a cool rainy morning so we parked under the awning to unload the equipment, we get everything set up and do a sound check all sounded good. I told Jimmy my drummer I was going to move the van to the parking lot and he said he would order us a beer, it was close to 11:30 and I am sure 12 o'clock somewhere.

At the bar was myself, Jimmy and the barmaid whom we were well acquainted with because we have played there several years off and on and one other guy at the end of the bar he was slumped over the bar. She was a sweetie, she bought our first round and we sat and talked for awhile. Then we got up to go to the pawn shops. As we got up to leave the barmaid asked if Jimmy and I would give the guy at the end of the bar a ride home. She said he had been there since 7am. I thought, well it is raining outside and it looked like he was in no condition to drive so Jimmy and I said sure no problem.

We go over to the guy and tell him we are going to give him a ride over to his house. He smile and slurd something that kinda sounded like thank you. I set him up on the bar stool and as I started to get him to stand he did a face dive. What the f3ck, so I told Jimmy to get under one arm and we would help him to my van. We get to the door and it is raining moderate and I tell him where we are parked and we get him stable and Bam the f3cker goes down again. I look at Jimmy and said looks like this may turn into a full time baby sitting session. We pick him up and go running through the rain to my van. I tell him he is going to have to stand on his own while I unlock the door so he can get in. He slurs the word no. I said listen man we are trying to help you, come on help us out here Just stand here a second and we will get you in the van. Well I let go and reach in my pocket for my keys, somebitch if he didn't fall again.

We are all water logged by now but we get him into the middle set of seats, then we get in the front seat and I turn around and ask him what his address, he was almost passed out by this time and slurring so badly I though well sh!t. I get back out open the side door in the pouring down rain and go through the guys back pocket for his wallet. Thank god there wasn't a policeman around he would have thought we were mugging the poor guy, who had a little blood from his face drops to the ground and me going through his pockets.

Ah and address so I get him seat belted into the van and off we go to his address, he was slurring and pointing to the right then he would point straight ahead. I guess he was trying to give us directions, which I thought feller in your condition you couldn't find your ass with both hands. We pull up to his house and I asked if he could make from here, he shook his head no and slurred something that sounded like "you son of bitch" . I thought you ungrateful bastard, but trying to do the right thing Jimmy and I get out and try to get him to his house in the pouring rain. He takes two more dives to the ground before we can get him to the door.

Finally here we are all three standing at the door Jimmy on one side, me on the other and the ungrateful drunk in the middle. I ring the doorbell and about 30 seconds later this beautiful woman answers the door. I told her that we had brought her husband home from the Eagles club, she smiled and said "Thank you two sweet men for bringing my husband home, but where is his wheel chair."

Satire--------- Disclaimer: No individuals, drunks or handicapped persons were hurt in the telling of this satire story.

side note: disclaimer meant for Hekofawoman......LOL

Where to start, I have kept this so quiet for so many years. The area of the country that I live in there are still many that are in the closet about this way of life style. I started at a fairly young age and over the years I kept it under control but later on no matter how hard I tried it took control of me. Like any addiction a person thinks they can control it and only do it in moderation but I am here today to tell you that you can't no matter how hard you try. So I confess to all my newsvine friends I AM A RECOVERING SWINGER.

It has cost me several girl friends, two wives because no matter how hard I tried to stop I couldn't and it was something that they didn't feel comfortable doing and I do have to give them credit they tried it a couple of times.We would invite a couple of friends over and do it, sometimes we would just go out and do it with complete strangers but they found out it did nothing for them. I would talk to them and tell them they just had to give it a chance that it would take them high and make them feel in control, but in the end they left because I was addicted. I am not the only one out there, they are thousands that you don't even know about but even though our society is tolerant they are those that will spread hate about SWINGERS. They say it is a dangerous irresponsible life style. Well I tell you they have never experienced going out late at night and doing it. God before I hit rock bottom I would sneak out and do it till the sun come up the next morning, barely making it home in time to get showered and go to work.

It got so bad that I would have my secretary set up fake business meetings in other cities so that I could do it there. One time I even asked her to go with me, I was like a drug dealer on the streets not only was I a full blown swinger I had become a pusher. Pushing became just as bad as doing it. I mean I was pushing complete strangers I didn't even know. The more I pushed the more they got into it, and before long they would become a full blow swingers. The final straw that put me into S. A. SWINGERS ANONYMOUS, I missed out on my youngest son birth, because I was in another town swinging with friends three solid days and didn't even know I had a new son. Then my oldest son came to me when he was 13 and told me that he had an addiction to, No he was not a swinger like me, He was addicted to Merry- go- rounds.

All I want to say is it doesn't matter if it is swings, slides, teeter totters, monkey bars, or merry-go-rounds, there is help out there if you will just admit you have a problem.

From the desk of Harry Hangnale at the Redneck News Network.

News headlines for today 6/5/2010

It is about time the we Americans receive some good news. Over the last few years headlines were filled with appalling news that stretches from political grid lock to world wide natural disasters. But it looks like today that, God, the great cosmic beings, Karma, the universal space alien, great spirit, no spirit or whatever whoever is watching over us decided that it was time for some good news. Good evening I am Harry Hangnale.

Today the republicans and democrats on the senate floor have come to an agreement to work non partisan for the rest of session of congress. To kick this new agreement off, there will be a picnic and tea party at the Independence hall beginning a 5pm. Republicans have personally sent out invitations to all ACORN members. The democrats have planned the entertainment and sources say they have invited Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to lead the seminar on how not to destroy America in three easy lessons. Also there will be an unavailing of the life size statue of Ted Kennedy for his life time of service to the American people.

In more news today President Obama has given a 21% tax refund to help stir the economy and has put a freeze on all Banking firms giving CEO's raises.

Many Americans will be shocked at the lasted in a press release earlier today congress has signed HR bill 4522 That states all Senators and Representatives will provide their own transportation and living expenses private or public and not be billed to the taxpayer. Senator Byrd said it was not fair that the American people should foot the bill and that it really would not effect him much anyway because he's to damn old to go anywhere anyway.

Also in news today leftist liberals and right-wing nut jobs broke the the bickering and stood shoulder to shoulder in helping build a children's shelter for abused and homeless children.

Turning to our boarder states, it was a massive flood today in states like Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada and California as illegal aliens fled back across the boarder to Mexico. Congress announced that free health care, government checks, food stamps and housing for illegal has ended. House speaker Poloski said "The free ride is over!"

Turning to health news. Scientist have made three major discoveries this week. The cure for the common cold. An aids vaccine and a cure for cancer.

In religion today world leader of Christian, Muslims, atheist, Jewish, and other communities has issued this statement. "For the betterment for society and individuals we had decided to leave a persons spirituality up to the individual.

later headline ....No one in American was murdered today......Three hospital closed its doors due to lack of sickness.....Homeless people are down 100% but first a look at our weather here's your meteorologist Airy Breeze.

Thanks Harry well it looks like the weather is taking big dip this June as a cold front from Canada with the front stretching down from Montana, Wyoming all the way into Arizona. In Phoenix today the highs got up to 101. But notice the big change when this cold front moves through Wyoming. In Hell's half acre Temperatures tomorrow will only get up into the lower teens. That's right ladies and Gentleman only in the teens.......I guess hell has frozen over.....Not......... so now back to reality, America as we know it. I am Airy Breeze for Harry Hangnale and all of us at Redneck News Network.....have a good night and try not to kill each other

Photo: Not Available

Description: One bedroom, one bathroom garden level apartment in Aurora. Near large shopping mall filled with people, beauty supply warehouse for all your chemical needs and airport for the motivated person. Faces alley. Not very much of a view, but no view out means no view in either! Cast iron bathtub is handy for trials with chemicals. Kitchen features pullout faucet for easy reach. Private entrance ensures you will never see your neighbors. Laundromat close by for tentative experiments or actual washing and drying of clothes. Dark and dreary apartment. Close to local mosque with fundamentalist imam.

References: Faisal Shahzad, Najbullah Zazi. Both can be reached in federal custody depending on visiting hours of institution.

December 14, 2011 OCE (Obama Care Era): My shoulders are chafed and raw underneath the nylon straps of my camping satchel. I shift the uncomfortable burden and shiver against the bitterly cold gust of wind that comes swirling down the street.

The Taxpayer's Prayer

Our dollar

Who went to China

Borrowed by thy name

My banker's done

Gone and done

Nothing but sit on his fat bum

Give me his ass

It's truly grass

And his first-born son might suffice

As I see the son of a bitch in a vice

And lead us please into temptation

To propose more banks' regulation

For thine is the kingdom, the power and folly

For bankers and lenders

Amen.

Yes, folks, it's true. The nation's trend of beverage-associated political parties continues with our grand introduction of the Pepsi Pary, brought to you here first!

First, I want you all to mail a full can of your favorite Pepsi product to your Representatives and Senators. You heard me right. Why are we doing this? Why, to protest parks of course. As soon as your Congressperson receives his or her can in the mail, he or she is going to know that they are dealing with a serious person who will no longer abide by the blight of a city park.

Here is your to-do list in order to organize an event for the Pepsi Party:

1) Pick your date. We're sure hoping you can do it today because today is Aggie Muster American Quilter's Society Quilt Show Brasília Inaugurated (50th Anniversary). We're pretty sure she quilted in a park.

2) Select your time. Please allow 7-8 hours because everyone is hopped up on caffeine and it could take awhile to get everyone back to earth.

3) Pick your park. That's right, I said pick your park. What better way to get folks to understand how useless parks are?

4) We recommend 5-8 speakers, but who are we kidding? One person is going to hog the microphone for hours.

5) You cannot have polar bears as speakers. They are Coke Party Crashers.

6) Be sure to have a ready supply of SuperSoakers. We fill them with Pepsi and fire them at the crowds to keep them from enjoying the park. Because parks suck.

7) Remember, we are the Pepsi Party Partisans. Say it loud and say it often.

So, who's on board? We're taking names right over here------>. Get your name in now, this is going to be big!

This book opens with an apparent suicide of a wife and mother of two. She was the patient of a local psychiatrist, and when the psychiatrist hears of it, she realizes that the woman was on antidepressants at the time. This alarms her, and she then replaces all of her patients' medication with sugar pills. It doesn't take long before the town is getting into barfights and arguments frequently.

Meanwhile, the nuclear power plant has an undiscovered leak. Radioactive byproducts have been slipping into the ocean, where they waken an ancient creature. He is reptilian; he can move about on land or air. True to his reptile nature, he has two interests when he awakes. Sex and food. He lumbers onto dry land where he can sense warmbloods as a steady food source, and a gasoline tanker for sex. The former ends with a man's disappearance, the latter with an exploded tanker and gas station.

Enter Theodophilus Crowe, who investigates the suicide and the explosion at the Texaco. He is immediately taken off of the suicide case by his superior, the local sheriff. The sheriff also warns Theo to stay away from the ranch. The explosion yields few leads, yet now a local schoolboy is missing. And now the entire town is giving in to some strong, ahem, sexual urges.

While these events are taking place, Molly Michon, a retired B-movie actress, discovers the ancient creature who, wounded, takes up residence next to her trailer. She observes the creature, whom she names Steve, eat the local schoolboy and a couple of other people she lures his way. Molly is the town crazy-woman, so she doubts her own sanity at first when she observes these events.

Why doesn't the sheriff want Theo near the ranch? How long can Molly hide and feed the creature? What brought on the increased libido of every member of the town? Did the wife and mother really commit suicide? The answers can all be found between the front and back cover. And what an enjoyable read it is.

After much soul searching and things going on I've decided to switch my allegiance to the Democratic Party and support Obama.

I am addicted to Christopher Moore's writing style. I admit it. I know there are people who could read his books without being impressed, but I wouldn't understand them. He's just so-funny. I literally could not put this book down. I read it in the parking lot if I was driving somewhere. I lot of times I laughed out loud, causing curious stares from strangers. That in turn would make me feel like a character from the book, which would make me laugh even harder.

Charlie Asher's wife, Rachel, has just given birth to their first child, a baby named Sophie. As he is visiting her in the hospital, Rachel becomes tired so Charlie leaves the room leaving Sophie in her mother's arms to head home. When he reaches the vehicle, meticulous Charlie discovers he has forgotten to leave Rachel with her favorite Sarah McLaughlin CD. He retrives it from the minivan and goes back up to Rachel's room to deliver it. When he arrives, he sees an extremely tall man in minty green attire and Charlie confronts him. Minty Green is upset to learn Charlie can see him. Charlie is upset that Minty is disturbing Rachel's sleep. It is then that Minty informs Charlie that his wife is not sleeping anymore.

Fast forwarding to after her funeral, Charlie is away from his antique store when a package arrives for him. His employee, Lily, receives it. Possessing little respect for others and lots of curiosity, she opens the box to discover a book, "The Great Big Book of Death". Lily assumes the tome is meant for her, but after Charlie is present at a couple of people's homes right before their deaths, she realizes it is meant for Charlie.

Meanwhile, under the sewers, Charlie can hear demonic, female whispers beckoning him and tormenting him as he walks through the city. The voices nickname hime "Meat". Charlie is so confused and scared that he seeks out and finds Minty Fresh, the gentleman present at his wife's deathbed. Minty is once again distressed to see Charlie, as agents of death are not supposed to talk to each other. It tips the balance of good and evil towards the evil side in the world. Minty explains as much as he's able to about what happens when you're death, and warns him to stay away from the voices. He also explains that he will receive correspondence with a given date on it. That means he needs to find and take the soul who is supposed to leave this earthly life on that date or there will be evil consequences. When he takes a soul, he has to put it in an object that the living person loved during life. It turns out that Rachel's soul is on her Sarah McLaughlin CD. This knowledge sends Charlie on a quest to find his wife's soul on her CD.

Meanwhile, little Sophie has been somewhat of a jinx in the home. All pets die very soon, and one day Charlie and Sophie pass a Muslim in a cap on the street. He informs them that they are sinners and must repent. Sophie has learned to talk by this time, and with her chubby little fist points to the Muslim and says, "Kitty!" The man drops dead on the spot. Then three strange, large dogs come to protect little Sophie from the owners of the voices who come to plague her because of her father's unrecognized occupation.

Who do the voices belong to? Why do Sophie's pets die? Will Charlie Asher ever find is wife's soul? The answers are a varied and enthralling read to the finish. I highly recommend you satisfy your curiosity!!

A few weeks ago I had the miserable experience of reading Twilight. A friend bought it for me and I took it with me to read on a long flight from Seattle to Houston. I knew it was going to be crappy, but I thought it would be a guilty pleasure kind of crappy - where you know it's bad but you still get enjoyment out of it. I actually managed to power through around 400 pages until I gave up and started reading Sky Mall. I've been seeing Twilight everywhere lately, especially with New Moon's release, so I thought I'd break down why chicks go ape@!$%# for it.

Thank you for turning in the manuscript so quickly. I thought only Stephen King could crank out 400 pages in four months! Seriously, there's some terrific material here, and all of us at Harper Collins are thrilled to be publishing your life story.

Before we move ahead, the fact-checking department has asked me to pass along a few notes and comments that may require some revisions on your part.

I talked politics with my grandpa as a young teen before he passed away because I was not sure the difference between a Democrat and a Republican. I remember it very clearly, we were sitting on the back porch and he had his pocket knife whittling a piece of wood.

He stopped whittling when I asked him the difference, folded his knife and put it in his overall pocket. Then he took a pack of Kool's from the bib pocket and lite one up. He took a puff and then he said " son it is an interesting question you pose to me. All my life I have worked on a farm until retiring. Your grandma and I have not seen a lot of monetary wealth, but we have always made a way and saw that your dad, uncles and aunts were taken care of.

Now they are those who say that Republicans are for the rich and well to do; big business and the uppity. Others say that the Democrats are for the poor, down trodden and the less fortunate people."

Then he continued, " But son in all my sixty seven years, the one thing I know about Democrats and Republicans is this...(he cleared his throat) walk them up a steep hill throw the Democrat and Republican in a wooden barrel, take a good roofing hammer and nail it shut. After you have done that kick that barrel off to the side and as it rolls down the hill you have a son of a bitch on top all the way to the bottom."

He also told me never trust a politician and if they shake your hand make sure when he is done you still have the ring on your finger and the watch on your wrist.

UPDATE: Truth often has a way of taking on the qualities of fiction. What's scarier is when truth reflects exaggerated satire, as WorldNetDaily, a wingnut website has just done. In an article about the birther movement, WorldNutsDaily makes the following statement:

WND has reported that among the documentation not yet available for Obama includes

his kindergarten records,

Punahou school records, Occidental College records, Columbia University records, Columbia thesis, Harvard Law School records, Harvard Law Review articles, scholarly articles from the University of Chicago, passport, medical records, files from his years as an Illinois state senator, his Illinois State Bar Association records, any baptism records, and his adoption records.

-------------------------------------

President Obama is poised to give a speech Tuesday to our nation's schoolchildren. Many, including a Wall Street Journal editorial, are implying that a "pep-talk" from the first African American President might do some minority children some good.

The American Thinker brings up a brilliant point: do we really want President Obama telling our children how to do well in school? This man has sailed by his life riding the Affirmative Action Express. He did poorly in high school, and somehow got into Columbia. He did poorly at Columbia, and somehow got into Harvard Law School. He did poorly there, and somehow was made the President of the Review! There's fishiness about, you can bet on it.

The American Thinker blog post goes on to suggest that Obama should release his high school transcripts, if high school-ers are to take his advice. That's a step in the right direction, but it's not far enough.

President Obama is talking to Kindergarten-ers as well. Should he not, then, be forced to prove to America that he was a capable kindergarten student? More so than capable, our president should have been an extraordinary kindergarten student. After all, he went to a private school in Hawaii! How did he get into said school?

Is it a good thing for a miscreant outside-the-lines colorer like Obama to be talking to our nation's five-year olds?

Shouldn't he be forced to reveal his Pre-K and K coloring books to prove to us the following:

(a.) Obama did not color outside the lines.
(b.) Obama did not color things inappropriate, illogical, or otherwise misleading colors. For example, he better not have colored an apple blue, or a puppy purple.
(c.) Obama did not draw things on the coloring book / sheet that were not printed there. Only things within the bounds of the line drawings should have been edited, and only then within the rules set forth above.
(d.) Obama's coloring book should have been made in America.
(e.) Obama did not draw or color any logos or propaganda symbols that represent groups, nations, or ideologies contrary to America's interests. If, for example, his coloring book contained any images of a carpenter and/or his tools, and Obama colored in the hammer, he should be impeached. If he also were to find and color in a sickle in the same book, he should be thrown in jail for the rest of his life.

If Confucius were to describe our nation, he would probably describe it as a traditional Scottish menu item, Haggis. Our President is the oatmeal and onions inside of the sheepskin stomach that is the American people. The point is, he's minced. And he is cooked inside of us.

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The American Thinker Article this is an answer to:
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/09/obama_should_release_his_trans.html

I'm through with menopause. Finished. Whew. I had surgically induced menopause ten years ago at age 35. I could not wait for my girl guts to be removed. They had caused me nothing but time, trouble and pain since the advent of my period or as it was once called, aptly for me, the curse.

I knew there were myths about 'the change'. I remember my Grandma and aunts talking about it. I thought we had become more enlightened. It’s the 21st century. I thought that as women we were a sisterhood, we communicated better, had more answers, shared and didn't keep secrets. I was WRONG!!!

Oh, there are lots of cute little jokes about hot flashes or power surges. Night sweats, hair loss and hair growth, skin changes and incontinence. Newsflash! These are just the tip of the iceberg and your post-menopausal friends are hiding the dark secrets of menopause from you. They're hiding their sadistic glee at watching you go through it, this is one of the symptoms.

Hot flashes: Sounds kind of harmless. Heat. Flash. A momentary feeling of being of overheated. Not! A hot flash is walking into 4x4 room with kiln wearing a fur coat while having heart palpitations, the door slamming behind you. Your skin feels like you feel asleep during a heat wave in Death Valley. This can last for several minutes, but it only seems like hours. Oh, and it can happen several times a day. Power surge my ass.

Night sweats: Closer to being apt. However you don't wake up in the morning with damp pajamas and say "Oh my, I must have become a little overheated whilst the sandman was here." Nay, nay. You will wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. You'll think you have suddenly developed malaria. Your light sleeping t-shirt is so wet you could wring it out and water your houseplants. Your hair is plastered to your skin. You are sticky and clammy as are your sheets and your pillow. You dry off, change and cool off, somewhat refreshed. Weary, bleary and confused you return to your slumber. Get your rest! It could happen again. Tonight.

Hair loss/Hair growth: Now gray hair isn't the only issue to be concerned about, the hair can begin to thin OR there is hair loss, on your head! Male pattern baldness (sexist, I know), the color starts to fade. The curtains no longer match the rug. Sometimes. Many women lose hair and gray "down there" as well. Have you had a woman "friend" mention this. Pffft. Then, yes it gets worse. Hair growth. Oh sure, make jokes about the poor guy whose eyebrows, nose hair and ear hair have grown out like kudzu. But be careful. Karma may bite you in the butt. Some men look great with a mustache. Women...not so much. I now have one. On one side. Sparse. But it's there. Bleach products have the effect of battery acid on my face, but feel free to try that. Plucking works, but it is hard to see in the mirror when you're crying. Electrolysis or laser is an option if you have a college fund for your child you want to dip into. I use a razor. Then...you have the wild hairs. We're talking about hair that could be harvested and used in the brushes used to clean barbeques. I have five on my chin and neck. Black as the ace of spades on my fair, aging skin. And nobody tells you about the gray, yes gray, and black hairs that appear around your nipples. Woo hoo! I didn't groom this much when I was twenty. Tweezers are my friend, they are not a tool, an instrument or some kind of handy plucking device. They are literally, my friend.

Skin changes: In the best of times, my skin was never great. After menopause, well some may blame it on aging, BUT remember I went through this at 35. Brown spots. Thickening. Glow? Brightness? Smooth and elastic? Yes! I buy Dutch Boy semi-gloss in nude peach and roll it on everyday. Delightful. Fills in pores and wrinkles, covers spots, evens out skin tone and gives you that youthful glow. Plus you can buy it by the gallon! Oh, and your neck. Remember in grade school when you would take your Elmer's glue and spread a thin coat on your hand and watch it dry and get crinkly and kind of like snake skin. Yeah, well that's what your neck will look like. And there's nothing you can do about it. Deal with it.

Incontinence: You thought you experienced this when you were pregnant. You were told to do Kegels and work those muscles and whip everything back into shape. Well, that is a lie perpetuated by the Kegel Foundation. You're going to work those muscles all right. Holding it in. This particular 'symptom' can develop into a real handicap. You actually have to stop and consider whether you want to sneeze, cough, stand-up, drink coffee - or anything, laugh, fart, bend over, I could go on. Who can control all of that and their bladder? I defy you to do it. Go ahead. Really. Try.

Being a woman is great. I wouldn't have it any other way. I just think it's time for someone to speak up and get these issues out in the open. No more cover-ups. No more illusions. We can handle it. Information is POWER! Sweaty broads with hairy chins UNITE!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to change my underwear. Damned allergies.

They sound the same but they are spelled differently and mean different things. They also confuse the hell out of people and sometimes it's just plain funny.

Homonyms are words that are identical to other words in spelling or pronunciation, or both, while differing from them in meaning and usually in origin. Or something like that.

Mainly, they can befuddle and frustrate. There are some very common ones seen everyday on Newsvine and elsewhere. They are fun to play with in puns and jokes. Here is an idiotic example:

Joe said the little plain landed over their on rode 26. Eye didn't sea it until the toe-truck that picked it up came in too town. I've herd they had engine trouble and landed wear they could, road 26 was the closest thing to a runway. Joe said he saw the hole thing plane as day, he was sure a crash was coming, but their was know place fore them to go. He said that pilot was doing sum quick thinking, people could have been killed or worse.

There, they're and there are commonly misunderstood or misused. One I see a lot is lose and loose. Sometimes a person can be described as a "loose cannon". I would wonder about someone who could lose or misplace a cannon.

This is what I saw on a church marquee yesterday - "Find Piece with Christ"

I think we are all guilty of it at one time or another. Will you admit to it? Do you have a favorite?

After hanging around the third rock from the sun for 45 years I've come to a few conclusions about life and the world. Just my opinion of course. Many I really believe to be true. Many are just questions I have that there are probably no good answers to.

My first bra shopping expedition was with my mom. Ah, a milestone for a twelve year old. From the beginning it was a humiliating experience. When mom announced the reason for the outing, dad said "Why the special trip? All you need is a box of Band-aids." Thanks dad.

We went to a small local department store. I made my way to the lingerie section and furtively perused the selection of flimsy 1970s A-cup bras with the requisite pink bow or yellow rose in the center. Why? I thought. NOBODY was ever going to see my bra. EVER.

After making my choices, I slunk to the dressing room to try them on. While struggling with the mechanics of putting on my first bra, a femalevoice came through the curtain, "Is everything all right in there?"

"Yes," I mumbled. Then the saleslady pulled back the curtain! Are you joking! I'm in a bra! With a pink bow! Already my illusions are shattered. Does this happen to everyone? I turned and covered myself. Now I would have to get the one with the yellow rose.

We purchased two bras that day. I could not look the saleslady in the eye. I knew there would be a photo of me in the next day's paper, 'Budding Pre-Teen Gets First Bra'. She and mom were actually talking about bras. Out loud. In public. Bras, bras, bras. My horror and shame knew no bounds.

It's been over thirty years and a lot has changed.

Those first bras were white. Period. At the time, for girls there were mainly white bras and bras that were white. Now there are more kinds of bras than rednecks at a NASCAR race. A smorgasbord. Myriad. Legions. Masses. Multitudes. A seemingly innumerable selection of fabric and wire breast supports.

And I can't find one that fits. Seriously.

I don't wear an A-cup anymore. Or B. I decided to search the internet for information on how to measure myself for the perfect bra fit.

After visiting several websites I discovered there was a general consensus regarding bra fit and measurement. Great! This was going to be a walk in the park! With bra-fitting wisdom in had, I got my trusty measuring tape out of the sewing box and retired to my bedroom, confident in the knowledge that in minutes I would emerge bearing the elusive combination of letters and numbers that would set my breasts free by properly confining them.

According to the instructions, the first step to finding your correct size is finding your band width. Begin by wearing your best fitting bra. Measure directly under your bust (gently but firmly),expelling air as you do so, you want the measurement to be as small as possible.

Now, if you are sagging in this bra (duh), tighten the straps until the crest of your breasts are approximately half-way between the elbows and shoulder. This is the proper alignment for most breasts (most breasts?), at the same time making sure the tape is level all the way around your body and parallel to the floor. This is critical.

Well, my breastage is so saggy that using the straps on my bra and lifting for proper alignment would be akin to using dental floss to hang a chandelier. My solution was to stand on my head. I nearly suffocated. Then I fell over, cracked my knee on the nightstand and knocked over a lamp. You had to be there. Or not. I decided to do it their way.

So, per instructions, when you take this measurement, round to the closest whole inch, either up or down. For example 29 3/8" would be 30", 30 5/8" would be 31", BUT because band sizes are in even numbers, you must add 4 inches if you have and even number and 5 inches if you have an odd number.

This is when you realized there is a real possibility that alge(bra) can be used in real life.

This process took approximately one hour and ten minutes. I took a nap.

Another method for finding your band sized is to measure around your body, straight across your back and chest, directly above the bust at underarm level. Again, expel air, and keep the tape measure parallel to the floor. Do your best! If this measurement is an odd number, add one inch and the result is your band size. Why didn't I do this in the first place?

This process took about 45 seconds. Had a drink. Or two.

Moving on to cup size. Picture this. Standing straight, with your arms at your sides, measure around your body at the fullest part of your bust. (While wearing the aforementioned crappy bra that doesn't fit). Again, with your bust apex being midway between your elbow and shoulder. How, you ask, do you measure your boobage while you have your arms at your sides? Duct tape. Take a strip of duct tape six to inch inches long and affix it to the center of your measuring tape, then attach it to your back at the bra closure. Level, of course. Bring each end of the measuring tape around to the front and place them in your mouth. With your elbows firmly at your sides, reach up with your hands, (in the manner of a seal) and grab an end of the tape with each hand. Do you follow? Measure across the bustine with the tape just touching, but not binding. Round the resulting measurement up or down to the nearest inch as you did to find the band size.

Now, after I ripped the duct tape off my back, I got my pencil and index card. Per my instructions, I subtracted the band sized measurement from the second measurement, this would give me my cup size. For example, 38" minus 34" would equal a D cup. What could be easier? A cup for every inch. Or is it an inch for every cup?

So, I discovered I am a 36DD not a 42Long. It took only one day, and ice pack, duct tape, a lampshade, three ibuprofen, and half a...well it took some vodka.

The next morning I woke up refreshed and excited, albeit with a slight limp. I prepared to journey to my favorite department store. I put my dingy ill-fitting bra on for the last time and hit the road. The index card with the magical code grasped tightly in my hand. I would soon acquire beautiful, lacy, smooth comfortable bras. I would emerge from the mall, giddy and triumphant!

I arrived at the store and hustled right to the lingerie department and made a beeline for the bras. The choices! I picked out four bras almost immediately. I found a sales person to let me into a dressing room. Normally I detest trying on clothes, particularly bras, not today! This was going to be a revelation!

The first one I tried on seemed a little tight at the apex. Aha, I said to myself, I forgot to bend over and do the ta-ta tango. This is where you lean over and sort of jiggle and settle the girls into the cups and then stand up and pull the straps over your shoulders. So I did. I look in the mirror and discover that I have muffin boob on the left side. Not good. Obviously this is a defective bra. It happens.

Bra number two made me looks as though I was wearing one of those bullet bras from the 50's. The pointy cone ones. I picture Ann-Margret in a tight sweater dancing in an Elvis movie. It looked good on HER. Back THEN. Madonna revived this look. It didn't look good on HER. EVER.

The third one squinched my chest in such a way that it looked like I had four breasts. While in theory the idea of four of them would be nirvana in the opinion of some men, it was decidedly not appealing to me. My eyes began to sting.

I didn't try the fourth one one.

I left the dressing room. Deflated. The sales person asked me if any of the bras worked for me.

"Not really", I said.

"I'm sorry. Would you like me to measure you? Perhaps you're not choosing the right size. You know, sometimes bra fit varies from brand to brand."

"Really? I was kind of hoping for a perfect fit." My knee started to throb. I handed her the bras and headed for the exit.

As I hobbled to the car, crumpling the index card with my carefully written measurements, I wondered if there was any vodka left.

I'm a Liberal because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I'm a Liberal because I love the fact I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.

Washington D.C.(March 11th)- President Barack Obama was charged late last night with conspiracy to commit murder. The charges in question focus on a terrible plot to assassinate Rush Limbaugh. The plot was uncovered by the brave and daring work of the FBI (Freelance Blogging Investigators) done at their own risk. Not surprisingly, they were also the ones who made the charge.

What follows is the exclusive interview of one of the bravest Bloggers, who spoke on condition of anonymity, preferring in stead to be known by the Pseudonym, Shallow Throat. Shallow Throat is best known for his piece, the "Audacity of Dope: Obama's sinister conspiracy to murder Rush Limbaugh."

SuperUnspecial: Shallow Throat, you've been investigating this plot from the beginning. You've described it as Terrible and Audacious. Please start us from the beginning. So that we all can understand the audacity of this plot.

Shallow Throat: Well, let's start with what everyone already knows: Rush Limbaugh, when he has more money spends it.

SuperUnspecial: Oh, OK, well, I guess that sounds reasonable.

SH: Reasonable? Don't you get it? Don't you see what this means? Don't pretend to be so dense?

SU: I assure you I'm not pretending. So, he spends money when he has it, I usually do too.

SH: See, they want Rush out of the picture!

SU: Yeah, I'm sure, that man is a nuisance to everyone, especially his followers. You should try spending an hour with one of them, some of the stuff done to them, just can't be undone.

SH: Ughhhh, so, How do you think you can get Rush more money?

SU: I'm still not following...maybe get him to start his own deodorant line...hey if it works for him there's a gold mine?

SH: That would be one way. But that's not really something at Obama's disposal now is it?

SU: I suppose not, even Obama's hope has it's limits.

SH: And that's not the one he used.

SU: Naturally, Secret Service and all.

SH: Besides, that's not duplicitous either, it's not the way the Messiah works.

SU: You think he's going to come at him from beyond the grave?

SH: No don't be absurd.

SU: OK, Shallow Throat, so far, the story is that Rush spends money when he has it. How do you draw the line from there to conspiracy to commit murder?

SH: What do you think Rush spends money on?

SU: I think I know where you're going now....certainly not Super Sized MacDonald's Bacon Cheddar Cheeseburger meals or Football paraphernalia. You're certainly not alluding to a research team either. Well, tell me, what?

SH: Rush spends money on Drugs, pills, pain pills, oxycodone, you name it, Rush buys it...when he can afford it.

SU: And I'm sure that's all the time.

SH: These drugs aren't cheap man.

SU: He is a millionaire.

SH: Yeah, but he's not that rich. The man weighs 350 lbs.

SU: You mean to say that since he's so fat he can't afford enough drugs.

SH: Look, given the opportunity, Rush would use so much drugs he'd O.D. The fact that he hasn't obviously means that he hasn't had the opportunity. What is the one thing that stops a drug addict from overdosing? Money.

SU: And where does Obama come into play here?

SH: Duh, Rush gets more money, he overdoses, so how do you get him more money? You give him publicity: talk about him in front of News Cameras, send out your surrogates to keep it in the media, play the media like a fiddle. Look at Rush's listener-ship now. It's through the roof. Can't you see the conspiracy. It's so obvious. It's attempted murder and Obama's going to pay.

SU: Hmmm, but there's just one problem with your hypothesis.

SH: I doubt it, my theory is iron clad.

SU: Even iron clad's rust, Rush LImbaugh signed an 8 year contract in 2008 for $300 million. He's no where near a contract year and $300 million will buy enough Oxycodone to make the entire state of Vermont overdose.

SH: That still doesn't prove that these last few weeks aren't a conspiracy to kill LImbaugh. Maybe he...maybe he needs more attention to become suicidal, yeah.

SU: More attention? The man is an attention whore. He's been courting attention for 30 years.

SH: But don't you see, it's the attention that drives him to drugs. I don't want to see Limbaugh dead. I don't trust the President.

SU: If the President wanted him dead wouldn't it be a lot easier to make him choke on his own vomit...wouldn't they want to make it comical too? No need to make hi a martyr. Obama Has a lot more power than a microphone at his disposal and there are much more humorous ways to return God's talent than an Oxycodone over dose....like running himself over because he left a value meal on the hood, or falling down a handicap ramp, or what about choking on an ice cube or getting trapped in a car by "The Club" or getting a staf infection from a Doctor Sholes pad, or they could make it so Rush's car ran out of gas in South Central, make him die of fright. (Pausing for Dramatic affect) You know Shallow Throat the world is a big place, a tough place but a humane place and projecting all of your fears and worries onto plots and conspiracies of those about whom you fear is no way to live. It's not fair to those around you, and it's not fair to yourself.

SH: Oh, now I know.

SU: And knowing is half the battle.

I can't believe that Obama took such a rock solid economy and well managed government and surplus of funds and world status and has ruined it in 50 days. And unions! Man, that was horrible. There are some folks out there that will feed you propoganda that Unions built this nation in the 20th century. Now I like the old Bush plan where it became acceptable to off-shore the civil, structural and MEP engineering of public projects to countries like Pakistan, India, Saudi Arabia, China and other allies. I think its great that these engineers design and hold all information of the strengths and weaknesses of our infrastructure projects. It's such a wonderful thing that Bush did for this nation especially after Clinton had it so screwed up. Oh yes, GHW Bush had us in such fine shape and gotta love the tremendous surpluses we had from Reaganomics. Of course, Carter screwed up the bountiful economy left by the wonderful Mr. Nixon, who some today would classify as a turn and run liberal since he ended the war in Vietnam.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran, said on Friday "Christianity is a religion of peace. They're good people." However, others say he's just being politically correct and attempting to appease the West which has been extremely aggressive and unrepentant in their violence toward civilians of several Muslim nations in the past several years.

"Christianity is a peaceful religion," he went on, "it is only a few Christian extremists who have tarnished it's name with their unprovoked invasions and occupations of a few sovereign nations. Certain people who are critical of the religion are really just acting out of ignorance and hate caused by violent invasion of their homes, killing of their families and attempts to steal their natural resources. They don't know the reality of Christianity, they don't know the kindness that Christians can bring with them to the battlefield."

But one activist, who wished to remain anonymous, called this charge "ridiculous." "I am no bigot, I have several Christian friends. I am simply looking at their actions and analyzing their own book, and it is not peaceful. Just look at the words from their own Bible, Revelation Chapter 19

Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; That ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great.

According to their book, their God will come down and murder and cannibalize all people...even their horses. Their book then implies that the faithful will take part in this cannibalizing. If that is a religion of peace, then clearly I do not know what peace is. Mr. Ahmadinejad is simply trying to be politically correct and appease a dangerous and violent group of Hummer jockeys."

However, said Ahmadinejad "I am not trying to appease anyone. Anyone can cherry pick quotes form any religious book and ignore the message. It is not hard to do, but the teachings of Jesus are of peace, love and tolerance, even if Christian leaders do constantly make war, say hateful things and secretly imprison those they do not like. Clearly Christianity is not to blame nor are all Christians to blame, even if they do invade and occupy sovereign country after sovereign country without provocation. And calling them Hummer jockeys is just hate speech."

I'm Arlen Sphincter, and I wasn't born into this world. I fell out of a Democrat's ass…and I've been leaving a stain wherever I travel since.

I support Porkulus because the law (or the appearance of it) has always been my guide. I eventually became a Republican (in name only) because I thought it was way cool back in the '60s before all the peaceniks came along (or I would have joined them instead). But my real love, above "bi-partisanship," has always been the law. (That's why I toe the line and still French kiss Democrats on so many fronts because I "refuse to criminalize" uproariously fun things to do, like having abortions and letting immigrants stay here and have abortions at your expense.) Long before I was one of the [obligatory gag reflex] most respected members of the U.S. Senate, I was an attorney in private practice. I represented greenie wacko Ira Einhorn, the "Unicorn" killer who is credited with founding Earth Day, thank you very much…who also just happened to kill his girlfriend and stuff her in a closet for a couple years. I got the judge to let him out on ridiculously low bail, and Ira fled to Europe for nearly 20 years, avoiding conviction until 2002. That's just one of my many acts of lavishly spending the taxpayers'…I mean...government's money. Porkulus, you see, is the biggest piece of crap law to come along in the history of mankind. I just couldn't resist the chance to be the vote that makes it all happen. (I also fantasize about starting a Congressional pony farm and decorating the ponies' manes with pink and purple and yellow ribbons, but even Democrats think I'm nutty for it.)

Like. Hi! I'm all excited today! I just started this blog! At 71! Which is so funny, since I'm such a luddite (wow! I didn't even know I knew such big words)...I'm a big fat technophobe. Like. I didn't even start shaving my armpits until my friend showed me how to do that last summer.

Like. I also didn't even google anything until my friend taught me how this past summer…because…well…I'm dumber than Nancy Pelosi!

The FIRST thing I googled was my name! I found some awesome pictures.

Boy: Woof! You sure gotta slip a lot of people some unmarked cash to get into this Capitol Building here in Washington, at least that's what they say about The Chicago Way. But I wonder who that sad crumpled scrap of paper is?

I'm just a Stimulus bill.
Yes, I'm only a big fat pork barrel bill.
And I'm sitting here on The Messiah's Capitol Hill.
Well, it's a long, long journey
To the capital-less shanty.
It's a long, long wait
While I'm in Harry Reid's committee,
But I know I'll be a criminal law someday
At least I hope (and pay off a few moderates) so I will,
But today I'm still just a Stimulus bill.

Boy: Gee, Stimulus, you certainly have a lot of crap heaped on you for something that's supposed pick the country up off the ground.

Evening, Newsvine! If you clicked this article, you likely know that I'm looking for feedback on this. Notes on the voice I used, what works and what falls on its face, murky meanings, that kind of thing would be most helpful to me. Or, if you clicked this in error, I apologize for the inconvenience, but the leftward-pointing arrow on your browser can remedy the situation for you. Thanks!

The Dangers of the Impulsive Buyer

Of all the murderous creatures in the animal world, perhaps the most dangerous is the human sub-species known as the "impulsive buyer" (homo sapiens sapiens consumere-impulsus). They are most easily physically distinguished from other humans by their oversized and awe-struck eyes, determined expression, quick stride, and large mouth. Most have the uncanny ability to speak hurriedly for long periods of time about some product that you may or may not have known ever existed. This animal's violence is caused by a deep-rooted need to possess that product, which can and will vary from case to case or even from day to day in a single impulsive buyer.

It is absolutely vital for the impulsive buyer to be thinking about something else, anything else, when he discovers the product or gizmo that he absolutely must have, which shall henceforth be referred to as the Holy Grail. If he decides he wants an item as a solution to some lack, on the other hand, he may simply file it away on an infinite to-do list. He must discover something shiny and exciting at random to be so deeply moved by its merit, uniqueness, and luster that he cannot bear to exist without one any longer.

Upon making this decision, the impulsive buyer will immediately run to the store, or will do so as soon as he is free from other engagements. He may, on occasion, wait until he has the money for the Holy Grail, but more often he will never consider this facet of the transaction. Once he has traveled to the store, he will immediately attempt to locate the Holy Grail. The impulsive buyer's most unfortunate rival at this point is his competition. If you, whether you be friend or stranger, are foolish enough to find yourself between him and his prize, you will next find yourself looking up at the ceiling, wondering why exactly the floor is so cold. Likewise, if you should discover that you are taking the last of an item and an impulsive buyer is coming down the aisle, it is in your best interest to simply replace the item on its shelf and back away, just in case. After he has walked past you, indicating that either A) he did not see the item or B) this item is not the Holy Grail, it is safe to reclaim it as your own; in either case, you would still be wise to exit the store with your item as quickly as possible.

Once he has lain hands upon the Holy Grail, the impulsive buyer is willing to endure hours-long, tortuous queues to purchase it. He may guard the Holy Grail as if it were a slab of bacon and he a Rottweiler, and therefore may growl at anyone whose eyes linger upon its beauty for too long. It is best not to approach an impulsive buyer in the queue for this reason. If he approaches you, it is of utmost importance that you do not inquire about the Holy Grail. If he wishes to discuss it--which he likely will--he will bring it up in conversation himself, but if he thinks you have displayed undue interest in it, he may see to it that you cannot remember ever seeing it in the first place. Therefore, be polite and simply agree that the Holy Grail is an amazing invention, but do not relax your guard until he has bought it and left your presence.

Seminal purchase made, most often by way of a credit card that is worn at the edges, the impulsive buyer will take his prize home and immediately put it to use. It is at this point that he will normally discover it is not actually all it is cracked up to be and write a scathing product review on the Internet in all caps to this end. He may even fume to those around him (or the air, in the absence of others) about how truly awful an item this was and insist whoever designed such a thing must have surely been sacked, if not drawn and quartered. This deed done, he will return to the home page and notice some new product, the merits of which clearly put the hated device to shame. We shall henceforth refer to this new product as the Holy Grail.

Intercepted en route from Tehran to the White House this very minute and decoded using the new instant record-hacking software (medical, personal, thought, and mind-control!) embedded in the Obama economic stimulus plan!

Dear Mr. b. Hussein Obama:

I just LOVE that your name is Muslim! It gives me great faith in knowing that, if the President of the United States can have a Muslim name, Allah is truly shining his grace and benevolence down on us!

Yes We Can!

view link

It's a less Mad world. Starting with issue no. 500, to be released in April, the monthly satirical publication will become a quarterly, though it will expand to 56 pages from 48.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – An aging nation got really friggin' old today, as Washington lawmakers proposed banning the pagan practice of having children.

Speaker of the House Nancy Palooza boldly proclaimed that adding birth control funding to President Barrack Obama's economic stimulating package "will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government."

It will save billions, she said. "Just think of the productivity that will go up when mothers, who would normally be taking 6 weeks off for maternity leave actually WORK! their lazy asses off during those 6 weeks," Palooza said. "And how many fathers will stay late for work if they don't have to rush off to coach baseball or watch a swim meet? This is the greatest pork barrel add on to any piece of legislation in the history of Conjunction Junction!"

http://feedyouradhd.blogspot.com/2009/01/breaking-news-lalapalooza-says-babies.html

Welcome to my Obama bunker. I've been stocking this thing…oh… for about 2 years, ever since b. Hussein entered the race. We all knew it was coming to this…even if no one wanted to say it aloud…and I just had to make sure I was ready for whatever comes my way.

Watch your step. It's a little cluttered down here. I have so many supplies I can barely get back to the Reliance Luggable Loo (So handy, so convenient you might find yourself saying, "Luggable Loo, I love you!"). And that's the most important part of any bunker.

On your right, there, witness 782 cases of homebrewed beer (I gave the other 218 to Amy Winehouse for Christmas).

I am Boy George, and I'm a friggin' walking circus. I've got a Star of David tattooed on my head, I look better in makeup than Angelina Jolie, and I like to whip my boys with chains.

Give me a needle and a spoon, and I'll show you a culture club you've never seen before.

http://feedyouradhd.blogspot.com/2009/01/i-am-boy-george.html

It's awful when you're down and out, but even the late late late night advertising stars suffer in this crappy economy.

Take Vince. Once the popular shill of sponge cloth for insomniacs, poor Vince has fallen on hard times. Really friggin' hard times. Now that paper towels are cheaper than Shamwow! Vince has been forced to sell the next best thing to toilet paper: Newspapers.

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WASHINGTON--True to the spirit of the economic times, Theoretically-still-President Bush has been using his last days in office to plead with his subjects to bail out his image.

After spending much of his presidency insisting that he would be finally vindicated in the annals of history, which would cause most of us to sound like a kid on the playground shouting "someday you'll see!" to the laughing masses, Bush has finally succumbed to the feeling of the day.

"If the, um, the current general feelings towards me are, um, allowed, to, you know, continue," he told a Steve House News Wire reporter, "I'm afraid I'll go down as a poor leader, and that's just, that's just not true."

"You know how much I hate detruthified stuff," he went on to insist.

The theoretically-still-President has spent a good deal of the past few weeks trying to bolster his image, but it would seem he's given up on this task. His newest persona seems to suggest "that guy who tried his hardest, made some mistakes, and would do a way better job if you gave him another chance." He has even admitted that the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner was a bad idea.

Rumors that the theoretically-still-President is actively seeking a Congressional bailout of his job are as yet unconfirmed. Said one highly-placed source on the possibility, "of course it's completely unconstitutional, but since when do great leaders let adversity stand in their way?"