Top 10 Friday funnies EVER

Every Friday on my Facebook page, I do a funny. Well when I say funny, more of a terrible, tumbleweeding, shaggy dog of a pun. Yet for some bizarre reason, if I ever miss it, hoards of Facebookers – mostly women I may add – virtually attack me, demanding their weekly groan (oh, err missus).

For newbies, the format’s mind-numbingly consistent. A pun turned into a semi-plausible story. The true joy though is the comments of those who forget it’s Friday and miss that it’s a joke. They often get outraged – even though it’s always obvious as I sign off with: “(sorry). Have a great weekend.”

So as it’s the last Friday of 2011, here’s a final Friday funny treat (and if you can cope do join my Facebook page to get a new one each week).

The top ten Friday funnies ever (by number of likes)

In reverse order, just for suspense you understand…

10. Nasty! Chatting to Johnny Maitland (Tonight & former House of Horrors presenter), he told me once, when hidden camera filming a dodgy gas installer, they watched agog as he peed in the kitchen sink, then took the small family dog & "interfered" with it! They called the police who arrested him. Yet even with footage, the police couldn’t prosecute – apparently he was Corgi-registered!!! (sorry) Have a great weekend

9. Bit disturbed by the police cordon on my local high street. There’s a speciality organic shop there known for large vats you use a huge scoop to get goods out of. An officer told me one of the staff was found dead this morning, head first in a vat of muesli, having effectively drowned in it. They think she was pulled under by a strong current and worse, it,s happened before, it’s a cereal killing. (sorry) Have a great weekend.

8. This is NOT a bargain! Went to this new place that’s trying to compete as a cheaper version of London zoo, that wanted listing on our summer holiday deals page. However when I got there there, outrageously all the cages were empty except for one which just had a small dog in it – it was a Shih-tzu! (sorry) Have a great weekend

7. Bumped into Scott Miller today, the Australian vet who does ITV’s This Morning & often focuses on exotic animals. Was surprised to hear today his phone’s been urgently ringing off the hook asking him to go back asap – even the Oz PM called. I couldn’t quite understand why but then it became clear, he’s the only Aussie who knows how to hold a bat properly! (sorry & YAY ENGLAND) have a great weekend – this was just after the ashes victor

6. Just been nastily insulted at my local supermarket. I was returning a lettuce from two days ago. It’d looked good but had two large caterpillars in it. The manager said, "just take them out and eat it. I know who you are, you probably put them in yourself to get a story." I was fuming: "how dare you, I keep getting dodgy stock from your store, this was just the tip of the iceberg!" (sorry) Have a great Easter .

5. It’s embarrassing, but people need to know this. All my dad’s side blood relations have been struck down at the same time with rather serious diarrhea. We’re all over the world: London (me), Manchester, New Jersey & Miami. No other connection than we’re all called Lewis. We rumbled it after dad talked to my uncle. The doctor’s now confirmed diarrhea is hereditary – it runs in the jeans. (sorry) have a great weekend.

4. I’m in a state of shock with the horrendous behaviour of some of my team today. Just got back to MSE Towers from Radio 2 to find all the doors smashed in and absolutely everything has been nicked. It truly is a shocking disgrace – where’s the respect? What is it with the modern generation – what kind of person does that to an Advent Calender! (Sorry) Have a great weekend – done the first weekend in Dec

3. Lost my rag yesterday! Took my niece to a petting zoo at the local park, there was a lovely African grey parrot, which she started tickling on the tummy. An attendant came up and barked really nastily that she should "only stroke it on the back". I was fuming, and barked back: How on Earth could she be expected to know that, why shout?" It really is polly-tickle correctness gone mad! (sorry) Have a great weekend.

2. What the TV coverage DIDN’T show! Just heard from a royal wedding reporter mate that the director was asked to avoid a disturbance near Hyde Park where, during the wedding, a man was driving a large tractor up and down and yelling through a megaphone, "the end of the world is upon us. The end of the world is nigh!" The police arrested him eventually – turns out it was just Farmer Geddon. (sorry) Have a wonderful weekend

And the most liked…

1. I’m a little shaken. Just driven to a meeting, while parking there was a BANG & the car shook. I got out & to find I’d dislodged a slab of tarmac onto the pavement. As I was by a pub I thought I’d go in to calm down. Then I worried about people tripping, so I hefted the slab up and took it in with me, then said to the barman "I’ll have one for me & one for the road" (sorry) Have a great weekend.

Were the ‘likes’ right? Are these the crème de la crème, or are they the crème at the bottom of the barrel? Your thoughts and even your attempts welcome below – note any good ones WILL be stolen.